Grim (1995)

And speaking of Domino's, we've got a pepperoni-faced Bigfoot coming up and he lives in a cave that's way too dark for the 16-millimeter camera they're using to photograph him.
And the basic plot is that, if you mess around with a Ouji board, and you concentrate REAL hard, you'll get sucked through stone walls, stripped down to your lingerie, and chained up like a wild animal, while the beast with a face like a Fiesta Mexicana plate makes kung pao chicken out of human organs. Let's do the drive-in totals and get it started:

Thirteen dead bodies.
No breasts.
Face chewing.
Stabbing.
Skull crushing.
Liver cleaving.
Monster-cam.
Gratuitous rekindled romance.
One and a half stars. Check it out, and I'll be here as your spelunker.

[fading] I'll explain that at the first break. We have ways of making you watch.

"GRIM" Commercial Break #1

I just hate when that happens. You're doing your toenails, and the monster comes and drags you through the floor and eats you. How about those opening titles? The movie stars Emmanuel Xuereb. X-U-E-R-E-B. Now I'm not saying Emmanuel has sub-standard representation, but somebody should have said, "Emmanuel, that X-U sound is not really movie-star material. A screen name that sounds like an Aztec demon is not what we're going for in leading men these days." Not to mention Nesba Crenshaw, Jules de Jongh, Nadia de Lemeny, Peter Tregloan and the actress known only as Kadamba. We'll talk about her later, but at this point my only point is, you know, you can go to Walgreen's and get one of those books of baby names. Do we have baby names on tnt.turner.com/joebob? Anyhow, it's not like this is something that's too weird to figure out. Did they cast this thing at an Esperanto convention or what? Actually, this movie's about four years old and very little is known about it except that it was made over in the Clearwell Caves of Gloucestershire, England. Where many smelly hairy flesh-eating anthropoids HAVE been discovered. When you think about it, why DON'T they make more horror movies in England? England is just not scary, for some reason. Trainspotting -- that was scary. Anyway, let's see where this thing is going.

[fading] "Shakespeare in Love" -- that was VERY scary.

"GRIM" Commercial Break #2

So now we know that Bigfoot is a part lion, part gorilla, who can walk through walls and LIKES THE LADIES. And speaking of the ladies, I think we all know who our favorite SPELUNKER is. Katie, right? We'd all like to do a little spelunking with Katie. That's Kadamba Simmons, whose screen name was simply Kadamba, and I say "was" because, sadly, she was killed last year by her jealous ex-boyfriend. Only 24 years old. For those of you who followed Kadamba's career, it wasn't the guy from the band Oasis, Liam Gallagher. He was a different ex-boyfriend. And not Prince Naseem, the boxer. He was also a different ex-boyfriend. And not Nellee Hooper, Madonna and Bjork's record producer. HE goes all the way back to when Kadamba was 19. The gal was popular, wasn't she? No, the jerk who killed her was Yaniv Malka, former Israeli soldier turned mobile-sandwich-stand manager, who strangled her and then strung her nekkid body up by a shower rod. In court he claimed that it was a botched double suicide. He claimed that they agreed that she had witches inside her and so she wanted to end it all. And he produced evidence that he tried to kill himself, apparently by taking a butter knife to his wrists and drinking a little bleach cocktail. Well, now that we're all CHEERED UP, let's watch some commercials.

[fading] You know what I say about that story? Whoa. That's all. Whoa.

"GRIM" Commercial Break #3

Well, I don't wanna say this movie is slow, but my sisters can raise children in less time than it takes that toothy skanky muscle-face monster with the huge ugly feet to walk across that cave. You know what? Looks like they got the same cameraman who did the immortal "Howling VII." The guy's made a whole career out of that red-filter monster's-eye view. Although, actually, the cameraman may very well be one of the actors, because most of the scenes look like they locked the camera down, turned it on, and then ran out in front of it to do their lines. Okay, let's see what the monster's gonna do to our friend Trish.

[fading] I love a good spelunking movie. Spelunker, meaning one whose hobby is speleology. Speleology, from the Greek spelaion: or, a cave. Therefore, speleology is the science of exploring caves inhabited by monsters that smell bad and pull babes through their suburban shag carpeting while they're giving themselves pedicures. Why is a person who makes a hobby of speleology called a spelunker and not a speleologist? This and other questions will be explored as we attempt to get through this flick. The Greek for cave is "spelaion," but the Latin for cave is "spelunca." Coincidence? Or an attempt to confuse? Who can say?

"GRIM" Commercial Break #4

Just some torches and skeletons and a Lazy Boy recliner -- let's go down there! Not a lot of plot twists in this flick, are there? Yuppies go into cave. Yuppies go deeper into cave. Yuppies see torches and go even DEEPER into cave. But Tres Hanley gives a heck of a performance, doesn't she? She plays Penny, the blonde in the red jumpsuit. Not really the best look for her. Because I'm sure you recognize her -- as a former Miss New Jersey -The one who got second runner-up in Miss America, so what's she doing wearing a red jumpsuit, is my question. Tres is a BIG star over in England. Okay, maybe not a  BIG STAR, but she is well known and has firmly established herself as an actress. She has a burgeoning career. Hey! What are you doing in this? Okay, back in a bit.

[fading] I guess most folks recognize her as Drucilla "Huggy" Rumplemeyer on "One Life to Live." Everyone remembers Huggy Rumplemeyer, right? Remember when her evil twin was sleeping with her husband while she had amnesia from the car accident? I couldn't tear myself away from the TV.

"GRIM" Commercial Break #5

So, wait, Steve is possessed by the monster, too? Do we know what the rules are here? I don't think they've properly established the rules here. Steve and Katie and Wendy and some other guy -- Biffy or Boffy or something -- had a little seance and woke up a rock that turned into a monster, and Wendy got sucked into the ground, and Katie got possessed, but now Steve is also possessed. What happened to Biffy? Where is he? And Rob did something bad to Penny when they were dating, but he's the consummate professional spelunker, so he's led them all into the bowels of Woodland Hills, Virginia, where he and Penny share soda pop while the monster shoves styrofoam boulders around and eats people's faces off. Actually, he eats SOME people's faces off -- the cute ones he just chains up. Well, maybe it'll get clearer.

[fading] No it won't. Why do I even say that? These people are all acting in different movies, aren't they? They got PAID to make us suffer, didn't they? I want them all eaten. And quickly.

"GRIM" Commercial Break #6

All right, what does that MEAN? "It's still alive. It's in my head." It's a Bigfoot with telepathic powers? Who worships the devil. We got the pentagrams now. And does anyone besides me want everyone to take off those dang helmets? I'm over the helmets. Good screaming in that part, though. Kadamba Simmons and Tres Hanley are a couple a great screamers. Definitely one of the finest horror movies ever made in Gloucestershire. Gloucestershire, home of . . . the Duke of Gloucester. All right, let's do the ads and get back to the thrilling climax of "Grim."

[fading] Once you get outside London, I'm lost. Gloucestershire, Worcestershire, Twickham. Actually, once you get outside Heathrow, I'm lost. Every time I'm over there, they put me on these BBC radio stations. "Joebub Briggs." But they've NEVER mentioned this movie, come to think of it. Why? Because they sent it over here for a REASON.

"GRIM" Outro

Wait a minute. The way you kill the monster is you SHINE YOUR FLASHLIGHT IN HIS EYES? That's it? Didn't he strangle that gal Trish while the light on her helmet was shining right in his face? Suddenly they apply vampire rules to him? See, you gotta set up the rules EARLY, and then STICK TO EM. How many times do I have to say this? And are we supposed to be happy or scared that ole Mary in the teddy is still chained up down there?
I don't know.
Anyway, I wanna remind you that we're not here next week, but in TWO weeks, the gracious and gorgeous Tippi Hedren will be joining us while we watch her fight off nature gone awry in the great Alfred Hitchcock flick, The Birds.

That's it for me, Joe Bob Briggs, reminding you that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.

How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb? Seven: one to install the new bulb, and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years.
Joe Bob Briggs, reminding you that the drive-in will never die.

[fading] How many frat boys does it take to change a light bulb? Five:
one to hold the bulb, and four to guzzle beer until the room spins.
How many lesbians does it take to change a light bulb?
Three: one to screw it in, and two to talk about how much better it is without a man.
How many Christian Scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
None, but it takes at least one to sit and pray for the old one to go back on.
How many Zen masters does it take to change a light bulb?
A tree in a golden forest.
How many straight San Franciscans does it take to change a light bulb?
Both of them.
How many software designers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, that's a hardware problem.
How many hardware designers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, that's a software problem.
How many believable, competent, "just-right-for-the-job" Presidential candidates does it take to change a light bulb?
It's gonna be a dark four years, isn't it?