Halloween 5 (1989)

Donald Pleasence still believes that a good strong program of psychotherapy will work on this guy

All the other actors in Five are eminently killable. They've got that California Yupster aren't-we-all-cute jive, and they all have terminal bubblyness. My only regret is that Michael never gets a chance to scissor off a few more body parts--he's too busy searching for little Jamie, the gal they picked up in "Halloween 4" to be the "niece" of Jamie Lee Curtis. The ORIGINAL Jamie survived both One and Two, then didn't show up for Three.

Five will also be remembered for a few other things:

1) The "bad kids" have safe sex! They still get killed by the maniac while they're having sex, but at least they don't get AIDS right before they die, and, more important, they don't kill any 20-second-old fetuses.

2) The kid who buys all the beer without an I.D. is the first kid to go. This shows you what happens when you don't obey our new juvenile drinking laws. A pasty-face zombie comes to your house and rams a cleaver through your clavicle.

3) Michael Myers takes off his mask and sheds a tear. Then he remembers those box-office figures on "Halloween 3" and decides to start slashing again.

4) A new maniac, some guy in steel-tipped cowboy boots, comes to Haddonfield and springs Michael out of prison. This guy's obviously the star of "Halloween 6."
I swear I didn't do it.

Twenty-one dead bodies.
No nekkid breasts.
Bathtub stabbing.
Hacking.
Hanging.
Cleaving.
Gratuitous mutilation of a convertible with a fresh wax job.
Packing-crate spike Fu.
Pitchfork-through-the-back Fu.
Drive-In Academy Award nominations for Danielle Harris, as Jamie, for having great epileptic fits when Michael Myers bombards her brain with "rage waves";
Ellie Cornell, as Rachel, for threatening to fall out of her dress in every scene;
Wendy Kaplan, as Tina, for throwing herself on Michael Myers and not living to tell about it;
and, of course, Donald Pleasence, as the crazy Dr. Loomis, for saying "I prayed that he would burn in hell, but in my heart I knew that hell would not have him" and
"Michael, it will destroy you, too, one day, this rage that drives you. You have to fight it in the place where it's strongest. Michael, go home. Go home."
Four stars. Still the best series. Joe Bob says check it out.

Dear Joe Bob,
This movie I'm about to describe to you has haunted me for years. I don't remember much, but I do remember enough to wonder whether it was ever for real or a product of the hallucinogenic sixties. I think it did come out in the late sixties and I think it was called "The Cube."

It's about some guy that's in a totally white room devoid of furniture or doors. The wild part is, everybody can go in and out but him. A bizarre parade of people and events happen to torment this poor guy, then he gets in some kind of scrap with someone or something and he bleeds . . . STRAWBERRY JAM! (Look out, Mr. Spock!)
Anyway, in the end I think he finds out it's some kind of weirdo psycho experiment and is allowed to walk out with the doctors. As he's saying how relieved he is not to be nutso everybody and everything melts away and there he is back in the "cube" again.
No bare breasts but I believe there might have been a body or two because of the "Jam" incident.
Fact or fiction, Joe Bob?? HELP!
Judy Brink
Virginia Beach, Va.

Dear Judy:
Haven't heard of "The Cube," but what you're describing could have been about 20 LSD movies that came out in the late sixties. Best one was "The Trip," where Jack Nicholson trips out while Bruce Dern stands by saying "Trust me, I'll talk you through it," but usually Bruce Dern was the acid-head ("Psych-Out"). There WAS a flick called "The Big Cube," where Lana Turner drops acid and goes bonkers, or you might be talking about "The Weird World of LSD" or "Hallucination Generation" or Timothy Leary's movie, "Turn On, Tune In, Drop Out." Actually, since I saw all these movies in the sixties, I'm a little fuzzy on just exactly which ones, and where, and--wow, man! you ever notice how the little curlicues on these typewritter letters look like parakeets?

Dear Joe Bob:
We were considering naming our first-born Billy Bob Buck Ace Beau but changed our minds. Did we make a mistake? We named the baby Robert Fielding Abbott instead.
Joe & Ann Abbott
Santa Cruz, Calif.

Dear Joe and Ann:
Sure it's a cute name NOW. Just don't expect anybody to take "Robert" seriously when he's 50 years old. I guess you didn't think about THAT, did you?

Joe Bob,
Why don't you see men's winkies in the movies as often as you see breasts?
Cathy Sears
Newark, Calif.

Dear Cathy:
Winkies?
Men's WINKIES?
ave you people in California been inventin new stuff in the bedroom again?
You know that's how diseases start, don't you?

Joe Bob--
I wanna know how to get along with my parents. I'd appreciate your help b'cuz I'm a confused 14-year-old.
Thanx,
Alex Berge
Owego, N.Y.

Dear Alex:
I would suggest questioning them in great detail about every aspect of their personal lives. Most parents believe this is the best way to have a great relationship with their 14-year-old. They already do it to you, right? See, they'll LOVE it.

Dear Joe Bob,
What's wrong with your football team out there? Will they win a game this season? They used to be my favorite team as a child, but now, they're hopeless wonders! What's your predictions for the Super Bowl? My prediction--Cleveland Browns vs. the L.A. Rams. Score: Cleveland 17, Los Angeles 34.
Your only fan,
Ryan Wong
Castro Valley, Calif.

Dear Ryan:
You refer, of course, to the Dallas Cowgirls. New management, so nobody around here gives a flip. On Thursday afternoons, everbody goes down to the Cowboys office and begs people not to buy tickets so we can be CERTAIN the game will be blacked out on TV. Very pitiful.