Monstervision's Joe Bob Briggs Looks At
Hellbound (1994)
Chuck Norris is the first guy in the history of the movies to try using kung fu on the devil
"Joe Bob Goes to the Drive-In" for
4/15/94
By Joe Bob Briggs
Drive-In Movie Critic of Grapevine, Texas
They've been doing these surveys on crime--everybody's number one bitch topic--and they found out something very interesting:
The people that are MOST AFRAID OF CRIME live in places where there's NO CRIME.
The people that are NOT afraid of crime live in the Most-Likely-To-Be-Murdered capitals of America.
Do you get this? I don't get this. They found out that people in affluent Kansas City suburbs and cutesy-pie Orange County neighborhoods and trendy Tampa condos are spending BILLIONS of dollars a year on private security. In a lot of these places, the budget for private security guards is larger than the budget for the local police department. And these are places where they have a murder about once every 97 years. They have burglaries--kids ripping off stereos, stuff like that--but if somebody gets murdered, they usually get killed by somebody they're married to, around four in the morning, after that ninth Jack-Daniels-and-Coke.
Also, if you study which Congressmen are the get-tough-on-crime guys, it's the guys who LIVE IN THE SAFEST NEIGHBORHOODS.
Meanwhile, we've got guys bopping around the South Bronx and South Central El Lay and the South Side of Chicago and South Dallas (why are these places always in the SOUTH?) who DON'T GIVE A FLIP ABOUT CRIME. You ask em on a survey, "What do you want the government to do about your neighborhood?," and they say, "Put some goldang jobs in here." Fighting crime, adding police, adding security--this stuff ranks about 347th on their list of priorities.
Another interesting result:
People who have NEVER been the victim of a crime are often the most TERRIFIED of criminals. Maybe this means they've bought so many locks for their apartment door that they've AVOIDED criminals all their lives, I don't know.
But my question is this. If half the country is living in places where the crime rate is low, and yet they wanna pass tougher laws, and the other half is living in places where the crime rate is high, and they don't give a flip, why don't we just have em all CHANGE PLACES? Then the people who WANT to worry would have something REAL to worry about, and the ones who DON'T wanna worry won't get killed this year.
This would work, right?
No charge
Speaking of effective crime-fighting techniques, Chuck Norris is back as a Chicago cop who likes to enforce the law by threatening to kill drug dealers until they reveal their supplier. Chuck and his wise-cracking black partner, Calvin Levels, get sent to Israel to apprehend a 700-year-old demon who's going all over the world, killing holy men, so he can reassemble the ancient Crown of the Scepter of Prosatanos (don't ask), and then sacrifice an airhead bimbo so he can open the gates to hell.
Sheree J. Wilson, a graduate of the Ethan Allen School of Acting, moons around the fringes of the plot long enough to be strapped to a concrete slab by the demon, but before the satanic high priest can plunge the dagger into her heart, Big Chuck sails into the room and starts using kung-fu on him. The devil is ready. He has a whole army of hooded kung-fu monks.
At this point, I have a question:
Since bullets have never worked on any devil or demon in any movie in history, why in heck do they think KUNG FU would work?
Anyhow, most of the movie is just Norris and Levels wandering around Israel, karate-chopping an occasional felon while breaking various Israeli laws and hassling antiques dealers.
Evidently Chuck got tired of rescuing Missing In Action prisoners from Vietnam, so he's trying to go supernatural on us.
It's not working, Chuck. Sorry.
Nineteen dead bodies.
Two breasts.
Attempted baby sacrifice.
Arm through the chest.
Crossbow through the heart.
Heart-ripping.
Hooker thrown out of a fifth-story window.
Metal-spike impalement.
Gratuitous ancient legend.
Five Kung Fu scenes.
Drive-In Academy Award nominations for Calvin Levels, as the smart-mouth sidekick, for looking out the window of their Israeli hotel room, seeing the local market, and saying "We're in the middle of a damn swap meet";
Christopher Neame, as the archeology professor who has a secret life as a demon, for calling everyone "babbling morons" and saying "I'm Prosatanos, your passage to eternity!";
and Sheree J. Wilson, as the furniture love interest (you ever notice how Chuck never even KISSES the love interest?), for getting offered up for demonic sacrifice while spread-eagled on a giant rock, and for saying "That which he covets will prove to be his demise!"
Two and a half stars.
Joe Bob says check it out.
JOE BOB'S ADVICE TO THE HOPELESS
Fascist Alert! The Fremont Drive-In in Fremont, O., has been closed permanently. Reason: the local police disapproved of the "unruly behavior" there, and called it a haven for underage drinking. Altogether now: "Oooooooooooo." Terry Maher of Stow and Michelle Destatte of Fremont remind us that, without eternal vigilance, it can happen here. To discuss the meaning of life with Joe Bob, or to get free junk in the mail and a copy of the world-famous newsletter, "The Joe Bob Report," write to Joe Bob Briggs, P.O. Box 2002, Dallas, TX 75221. Joe Bob's Fax line is always open: 214-368-2310
Joe Bob!
There ain't no drive-ins in Central Iowa. This sucks! But we do have Tom and Roseanne Arnold. Maybe they could show a movie on their asses!
Spydee Lenger
Marion, Ia.
Dear Spydee:
They don't make movies in Cinemascope anymore.
Dear Joe Bob,
Did you see "Nurses" January 9th? Course you didn't. Hope the enclosed copy of my letter to NBC helps you to sort it out.
[To whom it may concern,
NBC's "Nurses" proves that discrimination is still okay, as long as it is against America's most maligned group, the white male.
. The January 9 episode concerned four female nurses and a calendar of nude male behinds. The four ladies went to great lengths to try to determine if one of the bottoms was that of a co-worker, eventually pressuring him to drop his trousers so they could see for themselves. One of the four females was the male nurse's supervisor.
. I can just imagine the uproar that would be caused had all the genders been reversed. A show devoted to four men trying to see a female co-worker's bottom would never make it to the air in politically-correct 1993 America. Women's groups would boycott and hound advertisers to pull their sponsorship. That show, had it been produced, would have undoubtedly dealt with the woman's sexual harassment suit.
. I enjoy "Nurses," and it is the only show I watch on Saturday night. While this episode was not one of the best, I will continue to watch the show each week. I thought the premise was valid, and I was not offended by it. What offends me is America's special interest group attitude that no one should be made fun of, except white males, that is. Unfortunately, "Nurses" fell prey to this attitude.]
Sincerely,
Kevin Lassiter
Carrollton, Tex.
Dear Kevin:
Don't you think we should all quit dividing up into teams? I'm REAL sick of it.
Dear Mr. Briggs,
Hello! I'd like to tell you about a convenient new technology that air travelers can enjoy on USAir. In-Flight Phone Corp. has been awarded a contract to install its FlightLink telephone, information and entertainment system aboard 402 USAir aircraft. The system has been tested (and is currently operational) on USAir Boeing 757s.
By the end of this year, your readers may encounter FlightLink when they fly on USAir, since more than 100 planes are scheduled for installation by the end of '93, with the rest scheduled for 1994.
FlightLink is the world's first digital air-to-ground telephone system. Besides static-and fade-free telephone calls, the system offers video games, stock quote retrieval, Fax and laptop computer data transmission, flower and gift ordering, and soon connecting gate information, a city guide, reservations, airport layout, ground-to-air passenger paging, and a 12-channel live radio service.
I'm enclosing a photograph of FlightLink installed in a B757. You'll notice that the system is installed at each seat. A credit card reader has been installed in each handset to make paying for the services easy and convenient. The handset also functions as a game controller and a typewriter keyboard.
Interestingly, In-Flight Phone Corp. was founded by John D. "Jack" Goeken, who also founded MCI, the FTD Mercury Network, and Airfone.
I'd love to tell you more about FlightLink. Please feel free to contact me directly.
Sincerely,
Darren S. Leno
Director of Communications
In-Flight Phone Corp.
Oakbrook Terrace, Ill.
Dear Darren:
You think a mention in MY column can help you sell stuff to Yuppies who talk on the phone while they're flying around?
You gotta update that media list, fellow.
Say it ain't so, Joe Bob!
Tell me you were kidnapped by the communists, and the get-a-hooker article (with nary a mention of the REAL peril involved) was some scum-sucking communist plot to pollute American boys with AIDS! Not the work of America's preeminent moral philosopher!
Heartbroken and disillusioned,
G.J. Leonard
Redwood City, Calif.
Dear G.J.:
I don't know how things are out there in California, but in Texas we don't have anybody who's NOT carrying condoms. We have condoms available at Chuck E. Cheese.
There hasn't been a hooker who doesn't REQUIRE a condom in at least ten years.
I'm sorry I have to EXPLAIN these things to you guys.
Joe Bob,
Some friends of mine run the Strawberry Music Festival in Yosemite. Amy Airheart runs a cafe during the festival called Amy's Orchid Cafe. In the first part of the movie "Blood Games" there's a guy wearing an Orchid Cafe t-shirt. It's black with pink lettering. Amy feels kinda famous.
If you ever see the all-girl cowgirl group The Dixie Chicks, I built the cactus-shaped bass. They're mighty pretty.
Bass wishes,
Robert Lee
Santa Rosa, Calif.
Dear Robert:
Phantom cafes, cactus basses, blood on the strawberries . . . yall never DID tear up those Polio Weed patches up there, did you?
© 1994 Joe Bob Briggs All Rights Reserved
For more of Joe Bob's pre-TNT reviews in Grapevine, Texas, go to his Drive-In Reviews Archive over yonder at www.Joe Bob Briggs.com
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