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Arnold Schwarzenegger like you’ve never seen him before
Arnold Strong (aka Schwarzenegger) as Hercules journeys to Earth from Mount Olympus in 1969 and gets mixed up with mobsters & pro-wrestling promoters in New York. Arnold the Barbarian did all his own lines, but then the producers decided his accent was too thick, so they got the bright idea to badly-dub all his lines. His sidekick, for no apparent reason, is goofball Arnold Stang, as a pretzel vender.
91 minutes, rated G. Later reissued as “Hercules, The Movie” at 82 minutes, “Hercules Goes Bananas” at 75 minutes, and then released on TV with a new three-minute prologue tacked on. The movie was apparently never seen in theaters under any title until 1983.
Arnold himself claims that Pumping Iron (1977) was his first film and doesn’t even mention this one. Conan The Barbarian came out in 1982, and that’s when they decided to cash in by releasing this one to anyone that would broadcast it, the following year. Arnold was already a millionaire by 1983 from all his body-building businesses when “Conan” kick-started his movie career.
“Hercules In New York,” last seen on MonsterVision 11-1-97.
Joe Bob says that next week we have “Twilight Zone, The Movie” followed by “the most under-rated movie John Carpenter ever made, They Live (1988) starring Rowdy Roddy Piper.”
Alright, here’s Joe Bob Briggs with those drive-in totals:
2 dead bodies 1 dead bear Multiple bimbos in togas Arnold floating outside an airplane 3 gang fights, Hercules against all comers Taxi toppling Grizzly Bear kung fu And scintillating dialogue like, “Once, I strangled two serpents in my cradle.” Gratuitous weight lifting One motor vehicle chase, with chariot and motorcycle crash And gratuitous wannabe Jerry Lewis burlesque comic sidekick I give it one and a half stars, Camp value. Oh, watch in one of the early scenes: I can’t decide for sure, but I think you’re gonna see John Candy begging Arnold Schwarzenegger not to beat him up. It’s the scene on board a ship where Hercules is bashing all these sailers. Tell me if that’s not John Candy. And we’ll have Joe Bob’s Advice to the Hopeless, with Reno the Mail Girl.
"Hercules In New York" is available on video and on DVD from Amazon.com
I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Conan” came out in 1982. Then “Hercules In New York” came out the following year. Did anyone else try to jump on the Scwarzenegger/Hercules bandwagon? Why sointenly! None other than The Hulk himself starred in yet another Hercules movie in 1983. Herewith be Joe Bob’s review of that one:
Hercules
(1983)
Lou Ferrigno like you’ve never seen him before
Original “tnt.turner.com/monstervision” archives have been erased. Mis-spellings in above restored transcription can be blamed on Bill Laidlaw, email me if you would like for me to post the rest of host segments for “Hercules Goes To New York”
Lou Ferrigno, he of the cinder-block face and the road-map arm
veins, was the Herc of choice for Israeli film mogul Menahem Golan when he
attempted to revive the Italian B-movie business in the eighties. Plenty
of arrows in the back and spears through the stomach, but no
manacle-whirling, no rubber-crocodile-wrestling, and no pole-ax wrestling
scenes. Instead, they oil up Ferrigno and have him pin eight skinny guys
against a wall with a log and push till their chests crack up into brisket
dinners. They also added a bunch of el cheapo space-laser effects, so that
Herc has to fight mechanical katydids that look like they came out of
Junior Bodine's erector set. (Lou kills em with a stick.) The love
interest is redhead Ingrid Anderson, who wears little Chinese hats on her
garbonzas, and Sybil Danning is the evil queen who can't get Herc to drink
the spiked wine.