"Hidden II" Intro [host segments continued from House 4]
"Now it's time for "Hidden II," about a bad-guy alien who likes to
party in a BIG way, and a good-guy alien who's afraid of having too much
sex, and the blonde chiquita who makes him makes him say aw what the heck.
See, the aliens are actually these slimy scorpions who get into your body
through your mouth and make your face look it's been engraved. Don't worry
if you didn't see "Hidden 1," cause practically the whole first half of
the movie is a flashback. Let's do the drive-in totals and get it started.
We have:
22 dead bodies. One dead dog. No breasts.
Pipe impaling. Head-butting. Flame-throwing. Sandwich
stealing. Stun-gun to the heart. Multiple slimy-alien ingestion.
Gratuitous disco dancing. Disco aardvarking. Space-gun Fu.
I give it about three stars. Check it out, and we'll be here to
make sure you get the full Valentine's Day "MonsterVision"
treatment.
[fading] It's officially Valentine's Day, right? The
full Valentine's Day "MonsterVision" treatment consists of me promising
that I'll remember to get you flowers NEXT year, offering to give you the
new rebuilt catalytic-converter I bought on the way home for the pick-up,
and sleeping in the dog house. Okay, now that we've got THAT outta the way
. . ."
"Hidden II" Commercial Break #1
"So do you get what
happened in "Hidden 1"? Twenty minutes of flashback, and it's still
confusing. See, Kyle MacLachlan--of "Showgirls" fame--was an alien cop who
paired up with human cop Michael Nouri--of "Flashdance" fame--to kill the
bad alien who was in the OTHER cop's body before he transferred himself to
the Senator. The Senator, whose eloquent speech was made up of the one
sentence "I want to be President." I think that guy was in serious need of
a spin doctor, what do you think? Anyhoo, Kyle MacLachlan killed the alien
with his special ray-gun, but the dog ate part of it and spawned the slimy
scorpion, and then Kyle MacLachlan breathed some light into Michael
Nouri's mouth, and then Michael Nouri transmutated into an actor who
wasn't too big to do a sequel. Okay, are we clear now? Roll
it.
[fading] What is the past-tense of "breathe"? "Breathed"
doesn't sound right. Is it "brothe"? He brothe some light into his mouth?
"Brathe"? No, that's not right."
"Hidden II" Commercial Break #2
"That's Raphael Sbarge as
the good cop, the guy who can tell if you're human or not by smelling your
blood. You know, there's no way to say "Sbarge" without sounding like you
started saying the wrong name and corrected yourself half-way through.
Sbarge. Anyhow, his big credit is "Risky Business," and I think he's
pretty good in this movie, for a good guy. Okay, let's get back to the
flick.
[fading] Sbarge . . . Remember when your mom yelled for you,
how she'd go through all your sisters' and brothers' names before she got
to yours? "Ra-Lou-SueEl-Joe Bob?!" And then you'd go "Ra-Lou-SueEl-Ma!"
and she'd smack you upside the head? No? Huh."
"Hidden II" Commercial Break #3
"So it's smart when you're
trying to catch evil incarnate on an alien planet that you drag some skirt
around with you as your back-up. That's Kate Hodge as the skirt. She, of
course, of "Silk Stalkings" and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre III. Course,
if we're talking "Chainsaw" sequels, I prefer part two, but that's just
me. I'm a "Chainsaw" connoisseur.
So we're at a rave now. You guys know what a rave is, right?
That's where you have to call a secret phone number the night of the party
to find out where it is, and then do copious amounts of Ecstasy and green
acid and crystal meth and dance till the cops start throwin people into
jail at dawn. But let me just say for TNT Standards and Practices: I do
not condone the use of recreational drugs. Okay, that said, raves sound
kinda fun, don't they? Especially if I get to do what's coming up now,
which I'll just tell you the Latin name for, and that's Aardvarkus
Publicus. Roll it.
[fading] See, all the people who don't speak
Latin don't know what I'm talking about. You shoulda gone to
class."
"Hidden II" Commercial Break #4
"I'm not even gonna bother
to kill you, cause you're not worthy of being killed, and besides, then
the movie would be over." That was the subtext of that scene, wasn't it?
Have we covered subtext here? Subtext is like if two characters are
arguing about a turkey sandwich, but what's really going on is that one of
em cheated on the other one, and even though they worked it out in couples
therapy, she still holds it against him. Or a guy orders a turkey
sandwich, and before he can take a bite out of it he drops it on the
floor, and then he throws it against the wall--not because he's mad at the
sandwich, but because he just got fired from his job. That's the subtext.
So you have text--turkey sandwich; subtext--whatever's REALLY goin on. And
by the way, the turkey sandwich parable goes back to the Ancient Greeks,
first appearing in Plato's Symposium. Okay, let's go back to the
flick.
[fading] In Plato's Symposium, of course, the text was a
bunch of men sittin around eating turkey sandwiches, and the subtext was
how many of the men had slept with each other. Ancient Greece was all just
one big closet, you know what I'm sayin?"
"Hidden II" Commercial Break #5
"How come Raphael Sbarge
just got really stupid all of a sudden? "You went to school HERE? On this
keychain? Well, I'll be." One minute he's Andy Griffith, and the next he's
Gomer Pyle. And he's gettin romantic with the gal. Yuk. Hasn't she seen
any sci-fi movies? He's an ALIEN. Underneath the skin of a human in a coma
is a nine-inch slime-monster that fits in a drawer. Course, now that I
think about it, sometimes gals prefer that. But let's not go there. Okay,
back to the flick.
[fading] I'm not telling you anything you don't
know. Sometimes people like to simplify for the night, that's all. I don't
take it personal."
"Hidden II" Commercial Break #6
You're telling me that
Raphael Sbarge doesn't know what school is, doesn't know how to use a
toothbrush, but he makes the sign of the double-humped whale like he's
been through every Catholic school gal in Brooklyn? Course, we were spared
the gruesome details of their love-making by the considerate TNT Standards
and Practices, so even though they were fully-clothed the whole time, we
didn't really get the musical homage to "Risky Business" while they were
doin it. Okay, I'm anxious to get to the full-on Alien Fu, so let's get to
the exciting conclusion of "Hidden II." Go.
[fading] I have to say,
before we go, that I was a little upset about that guy turning off the
country-and-western station. City people never give country music its due.
I hate when people get all snobby and think, like, opera is better than
country. I like opera. AND country. In fact, if I could get a fat German
lady singin in Eyetalian about how her husband dumped her with six kids to
feed, I'd be right there in the front row. I'd eat it up."
"Hidden II" Outro
"So are they sayin that the gal's father
WAS a serial killer? That he turned evil and killed a bunch of people and
cut out newspaper articles about it? I'm confused. Anyhow, it's over, and
ras bedoin, whatever that means.
Okay, I wanna remind you that next
week . . .
And that's it for me, Joe Bob Briggs, reminding you that
there's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an
idiot.
Did you guys hear the one about the couple who's been
married for 60 years, who started having problems remembering things? So
they go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing's wrong
with em. They explain to the doctor about their problems with their
memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells em that they're
physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down and
making notes to help them remember things. Later that night while they're
watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair, and his wife says, "Where
are you going?" The old guy says, "To the kitchen." The wife says, "Will
you get me a bowl of ice cream?" Guy says sure. Then she says, "Don't you
think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He says, "No, I
can remember that." And she says, "Well, I'd also like some strawberries
on top. You'd better write that down, cause I know you'll forget that."
The guy says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with
strawberries." The wife says, "Well, I'd also like whipped cream on top.
I'll know you'll forget that, so you better write it down." The guy's
irritated by now, and he says, "I don't need to write that down--I can
remember that," and he goes into the kitchen. About 20 minutes later he
comes back from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs. She
stares at the plate for a minute and then says, "You forgot my
toast."
Joe Bob Briggs, wishing you a Happy Valentine's Day, and
reminding you that the drive-in will never die.
[fading] A man and
a woman who've never met before find themselves in the same sleeping
compartment of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage
to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man in the lower bunk. In
the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to
bother you, but I'm awfully cold, and I was wondering if you could
possibly pass me another blanket." The man leans out and says with a glint
in his eye, "I've got a better idea. Let's pretend we're married." The
woman says, "Okay, why not?" And the man says, "Good. Get your own
blanket."
22 dead bodies.