Monstervision Host Segments for
Look Who's Talking Too
(1990)
"LOOK WHO'S TALKING TOO" Intro
Well, we're not supposed to use the word FAT anymore.
Sorry, I couldn't help it. So it was a little strange when this new study came out from the National Center for Health Statistics, announcing that ONE-THIRD of everybody in America is . . . okay, I won't say it. Paunchy, obese, rotund, pot-bellied, oversized, elephantine, roly-poly, massive, gigantic, blubbery, TUBS OF LARD. There, that's better.
Oh, almost forgot. I'm Joe Bob Briggs, and get out your barf-bags, cause we got one of the scariest movies we've ever shown here. Just the title alone is enough to make me hide under the covers for WEEKS, but I gotta say it eventually: it's "Look Who's Talking Too." Horrifying, isn't it? And then after we've recovered from THAT, we'll watch Christopher Lambert wield a sword and pick up chicks for 400 years in the cult classic Highlander.
Okay, listen to this. The official definition of being a Land Whale is 20 percent or more ABOVE your correct weight, which means we got a whole lot of Flesh Monsters that didn't get counted cause they just missed the cut-off. Not only did they find out that there's, like, 80 MILLION Chunkmeisters out there, but it's getting worse every year. We have 31 percent MORE Walking Office Buildings than we had 10 years ago. We've got people up there in Missouri putting stress fractures in the foundations of their tract homes, you know what I mean? We've got Lard-Ladling old people that spend $40,000 a year on six-dollar all-you-can-eat Holiday Inn buffet dinners. And listen to this part of it. You know how it's always the men who are accused of being couch potatoes, sitting around watchin football, nursin their beer bellies? Well, it turns out that women are WORSE. Only 31 percent of the guys are overweight, but 35 percent of the gals. We might be couch potatoes, but some of these women have butts that look like squids seen through the glass at the aquarium.
And then the government tries to figure out WHY everybody is turning into Cheese Whoppers with arms, and their conclusion is . . . "low physical activity level." Well, no kiddin, Mr. Surgeon General. Some of these people can't even see their feet without doing three hours on a Thighmaster first. But the funny thing was, the media tried to report this whole story without ever using the word "fat." I think this might be WHY we have so many Aunt Jemima Frozen Waffle People. Because nobody ever uses this WORD around em. Maybe what they really need is somebody to get in their face and say, "You're FAT. You're, like, REALLY, REALLY FAT." And maybe SOME of em would go, "Oh, OK, yeah, when you put it like that," and lose some weight. But if we don't ever say FAT, they might just think their shoes are on too tight or something. Does this make sense to you?
And speaking of stuff that doesn't make a lick of sense, even though last time I complained through the whole thing, TNT's makin me show "Look Who's Talking Too" again, the pathetic sequel to the big box-office hit, starring John Travolta and Kirstie Alley as quarrelling parents trying to deal with two little rug rats in the house. Also starring the two-foot tall monster Lorne Sussman, with Bruce Willis dubbing his voice. Absolutely no plot to get in the way of the story. So why don't we just eliminate some of the pain here and get right to it. We have:
Closeup sperm micro-photography. (El Yukko.)
One training potty.
One training-potty SONG.
Sixty-seven training-potty JOKES.
Liquid Paper to the shoes.
One rabid mother-in-law.
Multiple screaming matches.
Stuffed-penguin mutilation.
Pants-wetting.
Gratuitous Mel Brooks, as the voice of Mr. Toilet Man.
Gratuitous Paul Shaffer.
Kung Fu.
Caesarean Fu.
Syringe Fu.
With Roseanne Barr as the voice of Mikey's baby sister Julie, and Damon Wayans as the voice of Mikey's friend at the Baby Gym, Eddie.
Zero stars. I'll be here, even if YOU'RE not. Roll it.
[fading] You have to push me pretty dang hard to get me to utter the words "zero stars." I mean, I didn't even give zero stars to Superbeast. I TRY to be a nice guy, but these programming guys, sometimes they just push TOO hard.
"LOOK WHO'S TALKING TOO" Commercial Break #1
You know, we're exactly 23 minutes into this movie, and I'm already getting that gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach, that feeling that says "Run for your life." They made this one year after the original "Look Who's Talking," which was supposed to just be a little movie, but anything with babies in it in the late eighties became a hit. Women were domino-ing like crazy, they were spitting out those rug rats faster than the maternity wards could deal with em, and so suddenly these cutesy family comedies--which you couldn't GIVE AWAY in the seventies, early eighties, film studios would kick you off the lot if you even SUGGESTED making one of these--suddenly these things were packing em in at the mall multiplexes. The original "Look Who's Talking" was written and directed by Amy Heckerling, the gal who made "Fast Times at Ridgemont High." And the sequel, that we're watching now, was written--written very FAST, evidently--by her and her husband, Neal Israel, who's also a pretty well known screenwriter. I don't know if they have kids, but apparently ANYTHING with the words "potty," "doo-doo" or "poo-poo" in it is hysterically funny to them. And so is the voice of Roseanne, who won an award for this performance, by the way. She won the 1991 Worst Actress Award from the Razzies, those anti-Oscar awards they give out every year in Hollywood. There's just something that doesn't feel right about the flick, like they didn't have a script but they thought "Oh what the hell, who cares?" I'm a big Paul Shaffer fan, for example, but I hated that scene where he's the angry man in the cab. And what's the point of the scene anyhow? Okay, enough ranting. Let's see if we can salvage something here. There are a few good comic moments--let's get out a magnifying glass and see if we can find em, okay? Roll it.
[fading] Did I see Olympia Dukakis in this movie? Olympia Dukakis turns up in the WEIRDEST places. I like her, but she takes STRANGE parts. Did you know her regular job is running a theater in Montclair, New Jersey? Yeah, she's number one on that Montclair theater scene. She's also the only Oscar-winning actress whose name sounds like a European basketball team.
"LOOK WHO'S TALKING TOO" Commercial Break #2
That was, of course, Mel Brooks as "Mr. Toilet Man." Because, if you're gonna DO a whole movie of toilet jokes, you've gotta hire Mel Brooks, right? And that's Damon Wayans as the voice of Eddie, Mikey's streetwise friend on the playground. Damon Wayans, star of "In Living Color," later star for the WB Network. Or is it the UPM Network? Guys? One of those networks uses ALL the Wayans Brothers. Every Wayans Brother has his own show. Some of the Wayans Brothers have their own night. They do six shows in a row, one right after the other. Okay, important trivia question: who can NAME the Wayans Brothers? Keenen Ivory Wayans--everybody knows that. Damon. You don't know the rest of em, do you? How about the Wayans SISTER? Kim Wayans. Then there's Shawn Wayans. And who's the Wayans Brother named after a Method actor? MARLON Wayans. How can you forget him? Marlon is kind of the Zeppo Marx of the family. Okay, I think we've killed enough time to make it APPEAR like this movie is gonna go somewhere. How bout some more arguments between John Travolta and Kirstie Alley? That'd be fun, wouldn't it? Roll it.
[fading] Two Scientologists, going at it. Do Scientologists believe in arguing? I think so, because have you noticed the way they react if you say ANYTHING negative about em. Good GRIEF. Right now--I haven't even SAID anything negative yet--they're ALREADY thinking about writing me a letter. They're creating the computer file at this very moment. "What's his name? Joe Bob Griggs? I don't think he likes Scientology." I LOVE Scientology. L. Ron Hubbard. "Dianetics." I especially like all the books he wrote after he was dead. Self-actualization. I know what that is. It means: ME. I'm actual. Myself. Actually . . . selfish. It's a religion of . . . ME. I get it.
"LOOK WHO'S TALKING TOO" Commercial Break #3
[yawning] All right. "Look Who's Talking Too." With Twink Caplan as the nutty friend Rona. Great. Okay, why don't we read a little viewer mail? And to help us out, as usual, is the lovely and talented TNT Mail Girl, [enters] Rusty. Rusty, do you like kids?
MAIL GIRL: Yeah, I actually do like kids.
I like kids, too. I can talk to kids. What I don't like is parents who do nothing but TALK ABOUT THEIR KIDS. They DO tell you stuff about potty training. Kids don't talk about that. Kids don't tell you stuff about their PARENTS.
MAIL GIRL: Is this movie upsetting you?
No, I'm okay. Just, if I ever decide to have kids, and you catch me talking like that, slap me, okay?
MAIL GIRL: TNT doesn't like slapping.
No, they don't like men slapping women. I don't think they'd mind if you slapped me.
MAIL GIRL: I don't know, I think they'd mind.
Then throw a glass of water in my face or something. But don't ever let me turn into one of those people. I gotta change the subject--you got a letter for me?
MAIL GIRL: Yes, I do. It's from Brock of Pioneertown, California.
Brock?! From The Howling VII?? The big guy with the glasses who hangs out at the bar? Last week we had someone else from Pioneertown write in. But BROCK wrote in?
MAIL GIRL: Yes. Are you gonna open it, or are you just gonna hold it?
Hang on, I'm savoring the moment. You know what his famous line of the movie is, right? When they're out huntin the werewolf?
JOE BOB & MAIL GIRL: "We're wasting valuable drinking time."
Brock rocks! Look, the address is "General Delivery, Pioneertown, California."
MAIL GIRL: Would you open the letter?
All right, already.
"Joe Bob,
"Would you ask Rusty if she wants to go out for a drink with me. I know the nicest little saloon here in the desert.
"Cheers,
"Brock."
MAIL GIRL: Oh, isn't that sweet.
You've been asked out by Brock!
MAIL GIRL: Next time I'm out your way, Brock, I'll look you up and you can buy me that drink.
What do you mean, "out your way"? Nobody every just HAPPENS TO BE IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD. The place is in the middle of the desert--a particularly unpopular part of the desert. There are prairie dogs that can't find that place. And you know what you gotta do if you go there, don't you?
MAIL GIRL: Are you going to tell me?
I hope you know how to linedance, cause that's what they do in Pioneertown.
MAIL GIRL: I don't know how, but I'm sure Brock can teach me.
Yeah, I can see him out there doin the tush push. You've been asked out by Brock from "Howling VII"!
MAIL GIRL: Okay, okay.
They're comin out of the woodwork. We're gonna have to do a cast reunion here on the show. Hey, you guys, BROCK asked Rusty out on a--
MAIL GIRL: [picking up beer] Do you WANT to get wet?
No. Spoil all my fun.
"LOOK WHO'S TALKING TOO" Commercial Break #4
Well, we're an hour into the movie now, and I think MAYBE they're gonna start the plot. First, though, I think we need to run those pee-pee potty jokes into the ground a few more times. Anyway, after seeing this thing, it's hard to believe that they actually made a THIRD one in 1993: "Look Who's Talking Now." How could the series survive THIS one, that's what I wanna know. Even WITH John Travolta. "Look Who's Talking" is the movie that got John Travolta's career turned around and put him back on the road to superstardom, so that today he earns $15 million and more every time he makes a movie. He made "Look Who's Talking" in 1989. Then this sequel in 1990. He married Kelly Preston in 1991. Actually, he married her twice, because his first marriage, by a French Scientologist minister, was ruled invalid and they had to do it over. Their son was born in 1992. In 1994 he was nominated for the Oscar for "Pulp Fiction." Then he did "Get Shorty." He made "Broken Arrow" for John Woo, followed that up with "Face/Off." Now he's in every other thing that comes out. You know, everybody makes a big deal about how Hollywood turned its back on John Travolta in the eighties, but that's not REALLY true. He was offered the leads in "Days of Heaven," "American Gigolo," and "An Officer and a Gentleman," but he turned all those roles down--and the roles went to Richard Gere, in each case. Richard Gere was the guy you hired WHEN YOU COULDN'T GET TRAVOLTA! Can you believe that? Okay, let's watch the man work, as "Look Who's Talking Too" continues.
[fading] Have you noticed that this is one of those movies where they made it in Vancouver, but they want us to THINK it's New York? Can't you tell immediately that it's TOO DAMN CLEAN? Go down to 42nd Street, where Disney is buying up all the property and cleaning it up. Nobody in the WORLD is cleaner than Disney. If you want something clean, ask Disney to clean it, right? It's still not as clean as this movie. If something ever BECOMES clean in New York, it makes a New Yorker nervous, so he'll knock over a trash can, just to make himself feel better. I'm surprised Amy Heckerling doesn't know this--she was born there.
"LOOK WHO'S TALKING TOO" Commercial Break #5
You know, in real life John Travolta really is a pilot. You wouldn't know it from this movie, would you? But he flies all kinds of jet aircraft. In fact, about five years ago, he was flying a Gulfstream IIB, had total electrical failure, and still landed that baby, at Washington National Airport, in icy conditions. Okay, Mommy and Daddy are back together, because Mommy took a cab to the airport and went into hysterics in Daddy's cockpit. So what's left? I have no idea, but let's find out so we can go home. Herewith, the conclusion of "Look Who's Talking Too."
[fading] John Travolta just doesn't dance enough anymore, does he? We think of him now as a Serious Actor, but he's really just a high-school drop-out hoofer. Right? Like you catch "Grease" on cable and you go, "Why doesn't Travolta put on those Capezios and DANCE anymore?" I mean, he did "Saturday Night Fever," "Staying Alive," "Urban Cowboy." He even did aerobics with Jamie Lee Curtis in that flick "Perfect." You know what, let's all write to John and tell him we want more dance numbers. How many people woulda gone to see "Mad City" if they threw in a John Travolta tap number? Still only two or three, huh?
"LOOK WHO'S TALKING TOO" Outro
Did I just see what I think I saw? Did they put a burglar and a fire in the last six minutes of the movie to make us think those kids were in danger? The whole plot of the movie is those six minutes, right? And then did they end the whole thing with Sonny and Cher's I Got You, Babe playing over the credits? Can we execute these people?
All right, let's talk about ANYTHING ELSE, please. Oh! next week is the start of Joe Bob's Summer School! Eight weeks I get to hold a pointer in my hand and pretend I know what I'm talking about. Last year's Summer School was so popular we almost did a spin-off, but Valerie Harper wasn't available, so we blew if off. Anyhow, next Saturday we're featuring a couple of great westerns, "High Plains Drifter," starring Clint Eastwood, and "The Long Riders," starring everybody and his brother. Literally. The Carradines, the Quaids, the Keaches--they're all in there.
OK, so much for "Look Who's Talking Too," the second in the series. There couldn't be any more sequels, right? Well, how about one with talking dogs? I kid you not...
Click here to continue Joe Bob's painful visit to the Look Who's Talking series
with number three,
Look Who's Talking Now
which he actually liked more, or
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Host segment transcript for 6/26/99 broadcast ©1999 Turner Network Television. A Time Warner Company. All Rights Reserved
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