"MY BOYFRIEND'S BACK" Intro
Okay, who else just stood in line for three hours at the late-night post office so they could get their taxes in on time? I hate April 15th. But we've got the goofy teen horror-comedy "My Boyfriend's Back" to cheer you up.
I'm Joe Bob Briggs, and I don't know how to do this money management thing. I've tried credit cards. I can't do it. I get a little surprise in the mail every month, and when I open it, I go, "I did NOT spend 700 bucks on phone sex. I know it wasn't a penny over 650."
I've tried checking accounts. After one week, I have stuff in the check register like "Shirley, 2 hubcaps, $30.74," only I can't tell if the 3 might really be an 8, and so I have to remember, "Did I pay 30 bucks for hubcaps, or EIGHTY?" And then, has this ever happened to you? You go to write down check number 1674 in the register, and the last check you've written down in there is check number 1669?
No way. I can't do it. I've tried travelers checks. I lost the travelers checks AND the little doohickey that proves I BOUGHT the travelers checks. Let's hear Karl Malden explain THAT ONE. There's only one person I know who has the whole money thing figured out. She's, how shall we say, a dancer, of the exotic kind. Every buck she makes comes in cash. Everything she buys, she pays cash. If she needs a new car, she just whips out a big roll of hunnerd-dollar bills she's been keeping in a cigar box somewhere. I'm in awe of this woman. Why don't we all just do this? Really. Let's drive the IRS crazy. Don't even TAKE checks. Musicians do this. When they finish the gig, they have the promoter dole out a few Ben Franklins. They stuff em in their guitar case. And they're gone. All that credit card interest -- you can't even take that off your taxes anymore. All those charges for checking accounts. I know this gal who got "lifetime free checking" at a bank in Dallas when she was a teenager. It was a big promotion they were having at the bank. Last year they TOOK IT AWAY FROM HER. After, like, 30 years, they nuked her free checking.
I'm serious. I'm going greenback. Let's all do it. If you wanna earn interest on your savings, carry the cash down to the bank, or get a money order and send it in to a money market fund. That's different. When they're gonna pay YOU money for USING your money, then go ahead and let em do the paperwork. But when you're buying and selling and carrying every day, get rid of the cards and the checkbooks. And watch the money world get real simple. I've already started. It's making me REAL happy.

Okay, let's watch "My Boyfriend's Back." Nerdy guy comes back from the dead so he can keep his prom date. Co-starring the older brother from "Party of Five." I thought you gals might appreciate that. Roll it.
[fading] Go ahead. Audit me. Make my day. Of course, the first thing I have to do is ACQUIRE some actual greenbacks. But I'll figure that out later.

"MY BOYFRIEND'S BACK" Commercial Break #1
Well, once again we find ourselves in one of those towns that only exist in the movies. Towns where people actually USE the sidewalks. At first you think, well, maybe it's the fifties, but then you notice the students wearing Levi's. They didn't wear Levi's in the fifties. They didn't go to school with their shirt-tails out in the fifties. They didn't have those "serve yourself" refrigerators in convenience stores. Hell, they really didn't even have convenience stores. So is it the fifties or is it now, or what? This stuff drives me crazy. Anyway, it's another flick directed by Bob Balaban. We had "Parents" on the show, Bob's black comedy about cannibalism, starring Mary Beth Hurt as the mom, and here she is AGAIN as the mom. For some reason, Bob doesn't like to admit that he directed this one, even though it was PRODUCED by the great Sean Cunningham, of Friday the 13th fame. Bob's got a reputation to protect. He's a pretty recognizable character actor. Had a big part in "Deconstructing Harry;" he's the guy who dies in Woody Allen's car, if I remember right. You'd know him if you saw him. Okay, I was too far into financial shock to do the drive-in totals before the movie, so here they are:
Three dead bodies.
One undead body.
Arm biting.
Ear biting.
Skin peeling.
Nose rolls.
Arm rolls.
Leg rolls.
Whangdoodle rolls.
Ax to the head.
Stomach eating.
Redneck eating.
Multiple bullets to the chest.
Tabasco to the head.
Three stars. Okay, check out who plays one of the obnoxious guys in the movie theater, coming up after the commercials.
[fading] Bob Balaban and Francois Truffaut both had roles in "Close Encounters of the Third Kind." That's when Truffaut told Balaban that, as a director, it's better to focus on the things that really interest you, and all that mattered to Truffaut was the relationship between men, women and children. Herewith, Bob Balaban's zombie high school comedy, "My Boyfriend's Back."

"MY BOYFRIEND'S BACK" Commercial Break #2
I love the premise of this movie. Kill the hero. Bring him back as a zombie. Make him visible to everybody. And the whole cast kinda GETS USED TO IT. Very underrated movie. "You know son, your mother and I, and the ambulance driver, and the coroner, and the embalmer, were all pretty much convinced that you were dead." Great line delivered by Edward Herrman as the dad. He hasn't done many movies since goin' to work as a host on the History channel. Did you guys catch Matthew McConaughey as one of the bad-mannered youths at the movie theater? Matt's an Austin boy, which is where is they shot this flick. And, of course, that's Matthew Fox from "Party of Five" as Buck, the jerky boyfriend. Hardly recognized him without that 3-day stubble that drives the gals crazy. This movie holds the honor of being Matthew Fox's sole feature-film credit. He was pretty much right off the ranch in Wyoming at the time. Actually, he did go to prep school for a year back East, where he was voted "Most Likely to Appear on 'Hee Haw.'" Okay, commercials and then back to the flick.
[fading] Partygoers, they call em, right? The fans of the show? Eight million adolescent girls whose hormones rage every Tuesday night. They shoulda voted him "Most Likely to Make Teenage Girls Go Blind," if you know what I mean and I think you do. Oh, girls do it, too!

"MY BOYFRIEND'S BACK" Commercial Break #3
"Back off, dead boy." I think the best of part of this flick is the dialogue. "It's because I'm dead, isn't it?" "You know, colleges look at this sort of thing." (My favorite line in the movie.) The reviewers panned this thing for the most part. Variety called it "the nadir of the summer season." "Nadir," meaning "when you think you can't go any lower, and then you manage to pull it off." The L.A. Times said it was "an awful teen horror comedy, hits a new low in high concepts." Come on, it's not that bad, is it? Or is it that it's 2 a.m. and the only other thing on is "Supermarket Sweep" and reruns of "The Waltons"? Okay, the great Philip Seymour Hoffman just put an axe in his own head and got his stomach eaten by Johnny the dead guy. This is obviously one of the roles that helped make Phil Hoffman one of the hottest character actors around. Played the guy in "Boogie Nights" who kisses Mark Wahlenberg, remember that? And he was the nurse in "Magnolia"--I don't know if you guys saw that. Right now he's in a big Sam Shepard play on Broadway with John C. Reilly, who's also in both those flicks. But never mind that, cause we've got zombie flesh-eating going on! in the cutesy Disney comedy, "My Boyfriend's Back." And WE'LL be back, after the commercials.
[fading] "Supermarket Sweep" isn't really on right now. If it was, I'd be watching it. I love when the husbands team up with the wives, and they sprint down the aisles in their matching sweatshirts, yelling, "Velveeta Cheese Dip! It's Velveeta Cheese Dip!" If that's not the ultimate in trailer trash, I don't know what is. Makes me a little homesick just thinkin about it.

"MY BOYFRIEND'S BACK" Commercial Break #4
That was probably the funniest sequence in the whole damn movie, with the Big Chuck vigilantes going after Johnny. And one of those vigilantes was Edwin Neal. Maybe a few eagle-eyed horror film fans noticed him. He played one of the most famous roles in horror history, as the creepy hitchhiker in the original "Texas Chain Saw Massacre." Still lives down there in Austin, where this movie was made. And that was a great scene with Cloris Leachman as the old zombie's widow. "If only I had a dollar for every friend my husband ate." "Then you'd have . . . twelve dollars." Did you guys know Cloris Leachman was Miss Chicago 1945? I think it was 1945. If anyone out there knows the exact year, e-mail me at joebob@turner.com. The president of the Cloris Leachman fan club or whoever. Or you can send me snail-mail care of TNT, 1010 Techwood Drive, Atlanta, Georgia 30318. Anyhoo, she WAS in the Miss America pageant in 1946--I do know that. Ole Cloris was quite a looker in her youth. I guess I should point out that that's Andrew Lowry as Johnny Dingle. He's only the lead, for gosh sakes. You may remember him from the "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" movie, which we showed here recently. I'm still reeling from all that "Buffy" trivia. Okay, commercials, and then back to movie. And we'll get the Mail Girl out here next break.
[fading] What kind of a name is "Cloris," by the way? Doesn't that sound like a mouthwash? Or, I guess, it could be something really hot. "Touch my Cloris."

"MY BOYFRIEND'S BACK" Commercial Break #5
J.B.: My, my, Traci Lind is a cute little thing, isn't she? With her two enormous talents displayed in that cute little red and white checked brassiere. And speaking of cute, Rusty the TNT Mail Girl is here with a cute story.
RUSTY: It's not cute, it's embarrassing!
J.B.: Not for you, it isn't.
RUSTY: Well, it is for the guy.
J.B.: Come on, honey, I want people to know I'm not the only dufus out there.
RUSTY: Oh, okay. Well, this guy I know had asked me out about twenty times, so I finally felt sorry for him and took him to a party a friend of mine had last night.
J.B.: Twenty times, huh? I like how you're leaving out the embarrassing parts to spare the guy's reputation.
RUSTY: You TOLD me to tell the story!
J.B.: Okay, I'll shut up.
RUSTY: So we're dancing, and all my friends are there, and this guy starts doing the FUNKY CHICKEN.
J.B.: And.
RUSTY: And what?
J.B.: Show em, like you showed me.
RUSTY: [getting up] He just kept doing this. [does Funky Chicken]
J.B.: My self-esteem improves every time you do that, Rusty.
RUSTY: [sits] What do I say next time he asks me out?
J.B.: For some reason, I don't think you have to worry about that now. You got a letter for me?
RUSTY: Yep, this is from Don Miller, from somewhere in Texas.
Okay, never mind specifics.
"Dear Joe Bob,
"This is not a college prank, or sick joke. This is a real funeral home in Longview, Texas. As an astute observer (as yourself) can easily tell the building used to be a TACO BELL! There is a Chinese restaurant right next door and these guys advertise on late night television. Truth is stranger than fiction. By the way, there is also a nursing home in Longview called CARRION. I'm not sure of the right spelling of the name, but it still sounds like they're talking about buzzard meat.
"Don Miller, Somewhere in Texas."
Can we get a shot of these? [close-up] Thanks for the photos, Don. Those are outstanding! The funeral home is hysterical. I'll have to get these up on the website, so you guys can check em out. The website's at tnt.turner.com/ joebob. Okay, Rus, do the Funky Chicken one more time.
RUSTY: Haven't you had enough of that?
J.B.: Come on. [she does a little Funky Chicken] It'll be a long time before I get enough of that.

"MY BOYFRIEND'S BACK" Commercial Break #6
Okay, so we got rabid hillbillies chasing a dead guy because he ate one of their boys, a sheriff who wants his daughter to go to the prom with a guy who's actually alive, and a mom who brings home corpses for her son to snack on. See, it really is just about the relationships between men, women and children--you can clearly see the influence of Truffaut. Paul Dooley--that's the head hillbilly--he specializes in dads, especially redneck dads. He was the dad in "Breaking Away," the dad in "Sixteen Candles"--another classic flick with roots in the French cinema. And my favorite performance is Austin Pendleton, as the wacko doctor. All right, what do you say we wrap this baby up. The Disneyesque conclusion of "My Boyfriend's Back," after the ads.
[fading] I mean, the funeral scene was an unmistakable homage to "The Man Who Loved Women." Anybody who can't see that obviously needs to brush up on their international film studies. By the way, I'm putting together a field trip to the Cannes Film Festival next month. I'm gettin a group rate at the Riviera Motel 6. Plus, ladies get half-price if you tell em you're with Joe Bob. Actually in France it's a Motel Five. That's a Motel 6 without the amenities.

"MY BOYFRIEND'S BACK" Commercial Break #7
Who could NOT love that movie? The critics just jumped all over it, I don't know why. The screenplay was by Dean Lorey, and I'm telling you, that's a dang near perfect screenplay. All right, next week on the show, we'll be watching Body Armor, the low-budget "Outbreak" rip-off with an all-star cast, including Ron Perlman, Morgan Brittany, Carol Alt, the great Clint Howard, and more.
That's it for me, Joe Bob Briggs, reminding you to not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside, me, either. Just leave me the heck alone.
You guys hear the one about the man who goes into his wife's room one day and says, "Honey, if I were, say, disfigured, would you still love me?" His wife says, "Darling, I'll always love you." Guy says, "How about if I became crippled and couldn't make love to you any more?" Wife says, "Don't worry, darling, I'll always love you." Guy says, "Well, how about if I lost my job as vice president? If I weren't pulling in six figures any more. Would you still love me then?" The woman looks at her husband and says, "Frank, I'll always love you. But most of all, I'll miss you."
Joe Bob Briggs, reminding you that the drive-in will never die.
[fading] You guys know what it's called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down? Marriage.

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