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One Million Years B.C.
Intro"One million years ago, a cavebunny in a fur bikini invented mascara and changed human history forever, and I, Joe Bob Briggs, will bring you that story tonight with our first "MonsterVision" feature, the great "One Million Years B.C.," which had its world premiere in 1966 at the late great Gemini Drive-In in Dallas, and we're gonna follow that up with yet another classic of primitive urges, "King Kong Lives," the Linda Hamilton sequel about giant monkey sex. All right [turning to chart], you are definitely gonna need some information about our prehistoric origins, so pay attention. We have four eras of history in this ole Mother Earth. Pre-Cambrian, Paleozoic, Mesozoic, and Cenozoic. Tonight we will be concerned with what is, in geological terms, a mere weekend ago--the Mesozoic and Cenozoic. Of course, the Mesozoic is divided into the Triassic, Jurassic and Cretaceous. And the Cenozoic consists of the Tertiary and Quaternary, which are words that come in handy at conventions of rock collectors. Also, the Quaternary period is divided into two epochs: the Pleistocene and the Holocene, or recent epoch, from the Latin "holo" and "cene," meaning "the whole scene" ending YAY. So what's the one word you recognized in all that? Jurassic, right? Dinosaurs. Where was that? 155 million years ago. What's the name of tonight's movie? "One Million Years B.C." Are there dinosaurs in tonight's movie? Yes. How can we explain this? Because look where 1 million is. Way up here in the Pleistocene. And look back here at Cretaceous. Dinosaurs are extinct here. 120 million. UNTIL this movie came out. I wasn't kidding when I said it was ground-breaking. This movie located eight surviving dinosaurs, 119 million years AFTER we thought the last one was wiped out. And what was their diet of choice? I can tell you what, it wasn't Caesar salad. No, it was the Hominid. What is the Hominid? Class? About seven million years ago, some of the African apes got kinky and we ended up with Early Man. He looked basically like one of my cousins from Appalachia. Remember Lucy, the 3-million-year-old Lady Monkey they discovered? Australopithecus afarensis. Ape Woman. Then two million years ago our brains got a little bigger and we became Homo Habilis. "Homo" as in "human" and "habilis" as in "better dressed." One million years ago, our brains got even bigger and we became Homo Erectus. And, of course, we all know what that means. Every Homo has been Erectus ever since. Of course, then 50,000 years ago, our brains got really really big and we called ourselves Homo Sapiens, meaning "the wise Homo." So the question is: what exactly did we LOOK LIKE one million years ago? Basically, as near as we can tell from recent excavations in the region of Ur, the ancient city believed to be the site of the first human habitation, we THINK man looked like [revealing photo of Raquel Welch] this. Yes, sir, I got your Homo Erectus right here. Yummy. "One Million Years B.C.," the sensitive tale of a guy who gets kicked out of his evil dark-haired tribe, meets a civilized blonde-haired Aryan tribe, gets romantic with Raquel Welch and fights a whole lotta giant iguanas and animated dinosaurs. 
Let's do the drive-in totals and get it started. We
have: 24 dead bodies. No breasts. One Big Bang. One food fight. 12 giant prehistoric monsters. One bitch-slapping cat fight. Prehistoric professional rassling. Prehistoric exotic dancing. Simultaneous volcano and earthquake. Dinosaur-impaling. Rock-clubbing. Stick-clubbing. Hand-biting. Torch Fu. Animal Pelt Fu. Three stars. Check it out, and we'll be here all night to trace the historical accuracy of what we're seeing. [fading] What do you think they made that bra out of? I'm saying prehistoric deer-skin. With pterodactyl ligaments to create that push-up effect. There are some movies where the wardrobe mistress is the true AUTEUR, you know what I'm saying here? Whoa." One Million Years B.C. Commercial Break #1 "The world premiere of "One Million Years B.C.," as I mentioned, was right here in Dallas at Gordon McLendon's fabled Gemini Drive-In Theater, currently the site of a used-car lot, because some people just don't understand HISTORICAL PRESERVATION. This flick was the first BIG-BUDGET Hammer film. Before this they were strictly low-budget, mostly horror films, and this movie was still low-budget by most standards. We haven't seen Raquel yet--I think they wanted to heighten her entrance by putting it off slightly. But we DO have the very hot Martine Beswicke as Nupondi, the catty brunette cavewoman, star of other Hammer favorites like Doctor Jekyll and Sister Hyde. Martine was Miss Jamaica of 1961, even though she doesn't look very JAMAICAN to me. What do you think, MON? Then Martine made two James Bond movies and did a special Bond photo shoot for "Playboy," which is where writer/producer Michael Carreras spotted her. He was reading it for the articles, I'm sure. Anyhow, he cast her in "One Million Years B.C." She did another cavebunny role as the evil queen who worships the sacred white rhino in "Prehistoric Women." And then for a while she was out of the business. She was waiting tables for a while. She made "The Happy Hooker Goes Hollywood"--best of the Happy Hooker sequels, by the way. She did commercials for Sambo's. Martine, if you're watching, where are you, honey? Give us a call. We need to have you on the show. Okay, before we go back to the flick, let's check our charts here. Within the Pleistocene, or Glacial Epoch, we've got the Upper, Middle and Lower Paleolithic. A million years ago was the Lower Paleolithic. Let's see, we had barbecued warthog in that last part. Evidence of animal bones which appear to have been deliberately burnt are dated at over one million years ago. So they did get something right. Animal skin clothing wasn't invented till the Upper Paleolithic, though, so this movie should've been done nekkid. Ask me if I'm happy about THAT. Okay, let's get back to it. [fading] These guys did a better job on historical accuracy than they did in the original "One Million B.C." in 1940. The girls wore high-heels with ankle straps in that one. Course, the best of both worlds woulda been nekkid WITH high-heels. That doesn't appear on our charts till some time later, unfortunately. That would be the Ordovician Ginger Lynn Period, I believe." One Million Years B.C. Commercial Break #2 "That's John Richardson as Tumak, the dehydrated caveman fighting off giant iguanas, tarantulas and ape men. I love him in "She," the great Ursula Andress Hammer picture. He did all kinds of Eyetalian B-movies in the seventies, and then he basically disappeared for 20 years. The last thing he did was an American movie called "Broadcast Bombshells" in 95, and then I kinda lose track of him again. Speaking of Eyetalians, have you noticed the music in this thing? It's by a composer named Mario Nascimbene, and he used all kinds of crazy things to make the sounds--rocks, sticks, and the jawbone of an ass. Okay, time for some serious fur bikini action. Roll it. [fading] The great thing about Mario Nascimbene music is that you can take a really stupid actor, who can't deliver lines, and just have him look into the horizon, and you'll THINK something just happened because of the music. Watch this. [stares stupidly off-camera, with a Mario Nascimbene fanfare playing as he does it] You know what I was thinking about? Nachos. Now watch this. [stares stupidly off-camera, with another Mario Nascimbene fanfare from the movie] Bugs Bunny. You can't beat Mario Nascimbene." One Million Years B.C. Commercial Break #3 "O-KAY, let's talk about Raquel Welch. First of all, horn-blowing was not her greatest skill. But let's assume she was traumatized by the giant-turtle attack. Born in Chicago, grew up in San Diego. Married at 16, two kids, and divorced by the age of 21. She kept that a secret for a while, cause potential sex-goddesses don't have kids. After working as a cocktail waitress at a Dallas hotel, she moved to Hollywood, and met manager and husband number two Patrick Curtis in a coffee shop. They formed a company and carefully planned out Raquel's career, which started with the Deb Star Ball, a beauty pageant for neophyte actresses. They put her in a white dress to show off that tawny complexion of hers, cut slits on each side, and rehearsed her walk for hours to get that sensual look. Well, it paid off, and pretty soon she had the likes of Cary Grant and Elvis Presley asking her on dates. She said no, of course. She got her first lead that year doin a strip tease in a musical called "A Swingin Summer," which led to the sci-fi hit Fantastic Voyage, which led to "One Million Years B.C." She was the most-photographed woman of 1966, featured on the covers of 92 European magazines and 16 American ones. Which made her a MAJOR sex-symbol, but it kinda set her up for failure as an actress. She was suddenly under a microscope, and a lot of people didn't think she had the stuff. Her movies kept tanking, so she started doing nightclubs and TV shows. She hardly did a THING in the 80s except a couple TV disease-of-the-week flicks. In the 90s, she started making exercise videos and infomercials, and in '95, she was cast in the failing TV show "Central Park West," but couldn't save it. And last year she took over for Julie Andrews in the troubled Broadway show "Victor/Victoria," and she couldn't save that either. So she stole Cathy Moriarty's boyfriend and married him this August. 20 years younger than her--a struggling actor who Moriarty plucked from obscurity in Queens and set up in El Lay as her partner in her very successful pizza places. How mad do you think SHE is? Okay, back to the flick. [fading] I almost forgot to do the numbers. You ready? 37-221/2-351/2. Ms. Welch says her best assets are her back, teeth, hands, and feet, in that order. I might disagree with that. Raquel, if you're watchin tonight, WE think you're a success, honey. A big, huge, don't-even-talk-to-me-about-it success. Poor baby." One Million Years B.C. Commercial Break #4 "Have you noticed that all the red-haired tribe does all day is sharpen their spears? Not that all cavemen shouldn't be in touch with their spears. But you know what? Invention of the spear--Upper Paleolithic. [back to chart] We're not even in Homo Erectus territory up here, we're on to Homo Sapiens. Language in the Lower Paleolithic was a combo of words and signs, so that's pretty accurate. Now, the allosaurus--brilliantly animated by Ray Harryhausen, inventor of Dynamation--way down here in the Mesozoic Era. Even if we give em the benefit of the doubt and say the allosaurus is from the END of the dinosaur period, that would still be the Cretaceous period, 120 million years off. But that scene where John Richardson kills the dinosaur by letting it charge him and impaling it on his spear is, in most people's opinion, the best dinosaur sequence in the flick. Harryhausen was a MAJOR player in special effects in the fifties and sixties. He did the sequel to this one, "When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth," which I think is better than this one. "It Came From Beneath the Sea," "20 Million Miles to Earth," "The 7th Voyage of Sinbad" and a couple sequels. "Jason and the Argonauts," "The Valley of Gwangi." He directed the scenes the creatures would be in so he could control the actors' sightlines, and then worked alone on a one-man stop-action assembly-line. Man was a legend. All right, that's enough technical talk. Let's go back to the flick.  [fading]
And speaking of special effects, Raquel's bikini--they got some kind of
cantilever-construction thing going here. The chamois it's made out of
isn't even big enough to wash my windshield. And yet somehow it manages to
still lift AND support."One Million Years B.C. Commercial Break #5 "Aw, isn't that sweet? Loana and Tumak cuddle. And speaking of people I'd like to cuddle with, it's time for our weekly installment of "Joe Bob's Advice to the Hopeless," with help from Rusty, our lovable TNT Mail Girl. [enters] Do you ever wonder what sex was like in caveman times, Rusty? MAIL GIRL: I can't say that I've really wondered about that, Joe Bob. I mean, you gotta figure once they hit puberty, it was pretty much an all-out orgy. With all those hormones raging, no social constraints--just one big urge to perpetuate the species. MAIL GIRL: If you're planning to proposition me, I believe in negative population growth. You're not gonna have kids? MAIL GIRL: Not with you. Here's a letter from Tony R. in South Gate, California. You couldn't even tease me a little before shooting me down? "Mr. Joe Bob Briggs, "My name is Tony R. I am in the tenth grade at South Gate High School, and I watch your show when I can! I think your show rules! I think you should run for President because I would vote for you. And, I think your jokes are the coolest. It's weak the way you try to teach people a little science and ever one looks at you stupidly just because they think you're a moron. But you're not a moron. You're cool. I wish you would rule the world! "Sincerely, Tony R., South Gate, California." I love when people compliment you by saying "Everyone else in the world thinks you're a stupid moron, but I think you're great." Well, thanks, Tony. In fact, both the Democratic Party AND the Republican Party have approached me to run for President in the year 2K. Apparently they know I'm someone women CAN say no to. And I'm glad you appreciate our science lessons--it took me and the crack TNT research department just... minutes upon MINUTES to put together tonight's show. I tell you what, when I rule the world, you can be my V.P. Okay, let's get back to "One Million Years B.C." Rusty, I thought we talked about you wearing a doeskin bikini to celebrate the movie. MAIL GIRL: I believe YOU talked about that. I don't believe I talked about it at all. You know what I love about these cavegirls? MAIL GIRL: Tell me. They have MASCARA. Think how many DAYS and WEEKS it must have taken to find the perfect rocks, pound them into fine granuals, mix them with pure spring water, and churn it into mascara. That's the problem with modern women. They just don't wanna work that hard anymore. MAIL GIRL: You're such an expert on modern women. And cave women. MAIL GIRL: All women. I'm glad you feel that way. MAIL GIRL: And you're so sensitive. You always pick up on sarcasm, no matter how subtle it is. Thank you." One Million Years B.C. Commercial Break #6  "Now we're gettin
into the real Super-Panamation. Ray Harryhausen, the special effects guy,
got criticized for using real lizards and insects in the first few scenes.
The giant iguana, the giant tarantula. The giant sea turtle was a model
done with stop-motion animation, though. A lot of people thought that was
a real turtle photographed the same way they did the other two, which
Harryhausen took as a compliment. The brontosaurus that was in the
background towards the beginning was supposed to attack the people later
in the flick, but to do another animated scene would've put the movie
three or four months over-schedule, so they just stuck him in as
atmosphere. It really gets me the way they make the dinosaurs die, all
that screaming and roaring. You know, we're all jaded now cause of
Jurassic Park, but you gotta give these guys their due credit. Okay,
let's roll it.[fading] You know, I mentioned the cavegirl mascara once before, but I noticed in that big emotional scene with Raquel that it was also WATERPROOF mascara. And I didn't think waterproof mascara showed up until [referring to chart], let's see, the Holocene Epoch. Other than that, the movie is TOTALLY historically accurate." One Million Years B.C. Commercial Break #7 "By the way, we checked with a professor at the Harvard Institute of Pre-History, and that scene WAS totally historically accurate. That's exactly how man invented skinny-dipping. Boy, which tribe would YOU rather live with, the Shell People, who've already invented blow-dryers, or the Rock People, who've never even taken a bath? The old guy who plays Akhoba the ousted leader, by the way, is Robert Brown. He played "M" in most of the James Bond flicks of the 80s. Two of the Roger Moore ones, and both of the Timothy Daltons. After that, they made "M" into a woman. I think they shoulda given it to Martine Beswicke--it woulda been a nice bookend--but they gave it to Judi Dench. As usual, nobody listens to ME. Okay, the pterodactyl wanted to feel Raquel Welch to her young, but Raquel AND her two enormous talents have escaped. She now lies wounded somewhere in the Canary Islands, where they shot this thing, so let's get back to the stunning conclusion of "One Million Years B.C." [fading] I don't think I've ever figured out what the big deal is about that warthog tusk-thing that Martine Beswicke is so obsessed over. But I'm just gonna let it go. I'm gonna apply the 16th Century Zen koan: When the bodies are hot, who needs plot?" Host segments for tonight continue on King Kong Lives MonsterVision pageYou thought King Kong died when they shot him off the World Trade Center twin towers in 1976 but no,his heart is still goin' ka-thumpa ka-thumpa... "One Million Years BC" is available only on video, and other Raquel Welch movies are available on DVD
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