A lot of you been asking me about it. You been wonderin why I didn't review it when it came out last October. And the answer is "I forgot." But now we're gonna do it cause it's the only thing out there that don't have "indoor-bull-stuff" written all over it. I'm talkin about the stupidest name of the year, the only hero named after a bedpan. I'm talkin Remo.Now you may be thinkin to yourself, "What is a Remo?"
Remo is the guy that played Gus Grissom in The Right Stuff, only now Fred Ward's a cop who gets shoved into the East River by a CIA bulldozer and fished out by skin-divers so he can have his face changed by surgically removing a mustache. Once we can't recognize him, he gets bossed around by Wilford Brimley of Cocoon and becomes the Super Scum Scooper, working for the last secret agency on Earth that still believes in good honest police work, like blowing up evil businessmen and making it look like they had a little accident with their Powerlift Skil Saw. But you can't start wasting Lockheed executives your very first day, so Remo gets sent to Joel Grey, who's been freeze-dried and kept in a Korean missile silo ever since "Cabaret," and now he's trained his body to dodge bullets and slice corned beef without a knife. He spends most of his time putting Remo up on 30-story ledges and taking him to Coney Island and climbing up and down the Statue of Liberty while three goonies crack lug wrenches on his skull to he can learn to "forget fear." After he learns Kung Fu, karate, ninjitsu, and tofu, Joel Grey teaches Remo how to run across wet cement.
He's ready to go run around missile factories with a bimbo Army major who wears high heels and says "I'm gonna file a sixteen-eleven" a lot. Remo bristles at the bimbo command, but still manages to kill the meanie, shut the Major up, save her life, keep her from getting a rip in her stocking, fight off three killer dogs, dodge automatic machine gun fire, and blow up half of West Virginia.
No breasts.
Ten dead bodies.
Two pints blood.
Three motor vehicle chases.
Exploding truck.
Drowned patrol car.
Exploding factory.
Exploding Jeep.
Dead Jeep.
Gratuitous exploding Army recruit.
Walking on water.
Mad-dog attack.
Mad-rat attack.
Dog tightrope-walking.
Log avalanche.
[Matrix-type] bullet-dodging.
Kung fu.
Sinanju.
Tofu.
Bulldozer fu.
Gas chamber fu.
Statue-of-Liberty fu.
Chopsocky City.
Drive-In Academy Award nominations for Fred Ward, the only actor capable of fulfilling the name "Remo";
his sidekick J.A. Preston, for saying "Remember--in and out, like a duck mating";
the 108-year-old Joel Grey, for saying, "You move like a pregnant yak";
and Guy Hamilton, the director, who ain't made anything this decent since 007 classic "Goldfinger." Joe Bob says check it out.
JOE BOB'S ADVICE TO THE HOPELESS
New Line Cinema in New York City finally called up to explain why Heather Langenkamp, the new Jamie Lee Curtis scream queen, was not re-signed for Nightmare On Elm Street Part 2. These guys claim Heather ran off and got married to Bob Dylan's keyboard player and hasn't been seen since. Can it be? Am I supposed to believe this? One day she's a drive-in star and the next day she's layin cross a big brass bed with some piano player? Remember, without eternal vigilance, it can happen to your mother.
Dear Joe Bob:
Two questions: 1) What are you on? and 2) Can I have some?
I'm from South Texas and down here we spell it MESCUN not MESKIN.
Charlene Hudson
Sequin, TEX.
Dear Charlene:
I'm on somethin they bring up from Mesko.