[Host segments continued from Malice] Anyhow, speaking of ideas
that sound great in theory, this horror flick we have coming up right now
is called "Sleepstalker: The Sandman's Last Rites," where they were trying
to create a Freddy Krueger guy called "The Sandman"--woooooooo! But they
hired some French intellectuals to direct it or something--I don't quite
get it. Anyhow, it's about this guy who goes around slaughtering families
that have seven-year-old kids. It reminds me a little of that Wes Craven
movie, "Shocker." Same idea. Guy dies in the gas chamber, but his SOUL
stays alive, in limbo, and he goes morphin around the countryside, changin
into sand, changin back into human form, spoutin nursery rhymes and
stranglin people. You'll see. Let's look at those drive-in totals.
Eleven dead bodies. Lips sewn shut by strict parents.
Quicksand scene. One motor vehicle chase. One great explosion.
I'm gonna give it . . . two and a half stars. Check it out, and
I'll be hangin out here with you.
[fading] You know what I think
the problem here is? It's one of those guys who gets hired to make a
horror movie, but all the time he's making it he's saying "It's not REALLY
a horror movie. It's NOT just a slasher film. It's a psychological
thriller." Makes you wanna puke, doesn't it?
"SLEEPSTALKER" Commercial Break #1
Okay, so the creepy black
priest shows up and tells the Sandman he's got to go back and kill the guy
he FORGOT to kill 17 years ago, and he's got three days to do it, and he
can now do cool stuff with sand and make his hand bleed and gross out the
guards. Does that about sum it up? I wonder how many meetings in Hollywood
start out with, "We've got the next Freddy Krueger here--wait'll you read
THIS"? "He's a serial killer, who preys on children, and you can't kill
him, and if you go to sleep he gets you, and he has REALLY BAD SKIN." I
mean, what were they THINKING? Okay, roll it.
[fading] I mean, this
was 10, 12 years after Nightmare on Elm Street. They should hire ME to
go to those meetings. "Uh-uh, sorry, that story was done in 1957 by Roger
Corman." Of course, a lot of em, if you say that, they go, "It WAS? ALL
RIGHT! Must be a good one. I'll TAKE IT!" Plagiarism is not really a crime
in Hollywood. It's about as serious as, oh, double-parking. In a Mexican
border town. During a riot.
"SLEEPSTALKER" Commercial Break #2
See, that's not scary.
The Sandman stands on a hill. You see all these artsy-fartsy images of a
skeleton sand person. He's scarred-up, strange-lookin, and then he
explodes into sand. But it's like Jean-Luc Godard filmed it or something.
Weird dreamy art-film stuff. Not good for a horror film. You know what I
do love, though? I love it when they play mumbledy-peg in the movies.
Cause you can't fake that. I admire any filmmaker who's willing to risk
the actual loss of fingers to GET THAT MOVIE MADE. Now THAT is an artist.
Back to the movie.
[fading] Did you like the way I said that?
"Jean-Luc Godard." See, I keep up with the film festivals. Jean-Luc
Godard--he made a lot of famous films. "Breathless." "Contempt." The
second sequel to "Porky's." Famous guy in France.
"SLEEPSTALKER" Commercial Break #3
He's dead--and he has
SAND in his eyes. Woooooooooo. Here's what I don't understand, though. If
the Sandman is one of those guys who jumps into your dreams, like Freddy
Krueger, then why would he have to go to Griffin's beer-drinking,
mumbledy-peg-playing FRIEND and kill him so he can find out where Griffin
is? Why wouldn't he just wait till Griffin fell asleep? So apparently the
Sandman can do three things--he can change into sand whenever he feels
like it, AND he inhabits your dreams, AND he just uses his bare hands and
chokes people. They need to get these rules straight, you know? I hate it
when you don't know the RULES for the monster. He's going around like Sam
Spade, saying "Where can I find Griffin?," but he's, like, supernatural
EVIL. You'll never catch Jason or Michael Meyers ASKING DIRECTIONS. You
know? Am I being too picky? All right, all right, I'll get off it. Back to
the flick.
[fading] I know I'm gonna get letters. "But, Joe Bob,
you don't understand--he's SAND, but he's HUMAN. He's half-sand,
half-human." I get that. I just don't think SAND is that scary. Call me
crazy. Call me old-fashioned. Call me a guy who sleeps in his underwear. I
don't think so.
"SLEEPSTALKER" Commercial Break #4
I'm really sorry to see
Dana go, you know? Kathleen McMartin is the name of that
actress--best-lookin girl in the cast. A victim of the Sandman in the
fourth reel. And now, since the movie's gotten so slow and weird and
confusing, with all that stuff about pentagrams and Wicca symbols and dead
chickens and the weird old Spanish woman and the black preacher who sits
on his throne and utters death threats, until you don't know WHAT'S going
on, this might be a good time to read a little mail from our incarcerated
viewers, in the feature we call [enters] "Joe Bob's Jail Break." And to
help us out is the best-lookin girl on OUR show, in fact, she's the ONLY
girl on our show--Rusty, the TNT Mail Girl. I hope you didn't take that
wrong way.
MAIL GIRL: One thing I don't suffer from around you is a
lack of self-esteem.
Good. I wish I could say the same. I did have
a date last night, though.
MAIL GIRL: You did? That's great. With
who?
Gal I met down at the Piggly Wiggly.
MAIL GIRL: Does
she work there?
Yes.
MAIL GIRL: Cause I know most of girls
who work there. I mean no. She used to work there.
MAIL GIRL:
What's her name?
Enid.
MAIL GIRL: Enid. What an
old-fashioned name. How old is she?
Never mind how old she is. You
got a letter for me?
MAIL GIRL: Wait a sec, I thought you told me
you watched TV last night?
I watched TV AFTER the date. [beat]
Look, you gotta get to the diner by six if you want the Early Bird
Special, okay?
MAIL GIRL: The SENIOR'S Early Bird Special? Are you
talking about Enid who RETIRED from the Piggly Wiggly? Isn't she, like,
80?
She's a VERY nice woman. And that discount is worth gettin old
for, lemme tell you. Can I have a letter now?
MAIL GIRL: All right.
This is an e-mail from the Fayette County Public Defender's Office in West
Virginia.
Ooh, a letter from the law.
"Dear Joe
Bob,
"We here at the Fayette County Public Defender's Office (WV)
are great fans of your show. We used to really enjoy the 'Jail Break'
segment. Unfortunately, you seemed to have scripted that out of the
program. Please return that segment to the show and read a letter from a
West Virginia penitentiary, and perhaps it will be one of our former
clients.
"Thank you, "Greg Hurley, Fayetteville, West
Virginia."
Greg, are you saying that all your former clients end up
in the West Virginia penitentiary? I THOUGHT so. Well, as you can see,
"Jail Break" is alive and well. Evidently they don't have much cable in
the West Virginia pokeys, though, cause we don't get much propaganda from
your neck of the woods. If any of you guys--and gals--down there in the
Blue Ridge pens are watchin the show right now, write in and let me know.
Especially you three-strikers. Do they have the three-strike law in West
Virginia? Anyhow, we love a captive audience. But Greg, try to keep those
boys from spending TOO much time in there, okay? [to Rusty] What're YOU
smiling at?
MAIL GIRL: I'm just wondering how you and Enid ended
your date.
I dropped her off, loaded her into her walker, and went
home, so you can wipe that smirk off your face.
[Mail Girl
continues to smile]
We met on the Internet. The description was
different.
"SLEEPSTALKER" Commercial Break #5
Okay, what's going on? I
totally lost it here. First of all, we don't know the RULES for the
Sandman. He likes air conditioning vents and keyholes and stuff sand can
go through, but how does he get from one place to another? And then how
does he go from sand to human and human to sand? Freddy Krueger becomes
human when you DREAM about him, but this guy just kinda does it whenever
they need to kill somebody off. And why is Griffin in a strait-jacket? Do
you know the answers to these questions? Why am I asking you guys? You're
not even watching the movie. All right, back to the flick, maybe they'll
explain it.
[fading] What do I pay you guys for? Oh yeah, to
operate the camera. . . . Yeah, but whoever's talkin to you on those
headphones you're wearing--THEY should be paying attention to the movie.
They should be TELLING you through those headphones. "Tell Joe Bob that
the Sandman is based on ancient Egyptian sand cults. He is the Egyptian
god Osiris Akenahten-tahten." Or I could just watch the movie closer. One
or the other.
"SLEEPSTALKER" Commercial Break #6
They're havin FLASHBACKS
this late in the movie? GolDANG it, I hate that. So Griffin is the BROTHER
of the Sandman, and he must "sever your mortal link." What does that mean?
The black preacher on the throne says the guy has to "sever your mortal
link." KILL him, right? Is that what that means? He has to kill him. I
don't know. I give up. Roll it.
[fading] This is the Cat-And-Mouse
part of the story. Cat-And-Mouse is where the killer and the would-be
killee run around in a warehouse, and you don't know who can see who, and
it's supposed to be real scary and it never is. I hate Cat-And-Mouse. You
know who could do Cat-And-Mouse scenes? Mannix. Remember "Mannix"? Mike
Connors running through abandoned warehouses in thousand-dollar suits? Now
THAT was some serious Cat-And-Mouse. This is horror-flick Cat-And-Mouse.
"I hope the mean guy can't see me behind this big box."
"SLEEPSTALKER" Commercial Break #7
I do want to commend the
TNT censors for leaving in that scene where the Sandman kills Sanchez and
Sanchez's head turns to goo. That was very gross, and we do appreciate
getting the full goo-head effect. But correct me if I'm wrong--did the
HERO of this movie just die? Did they just kill off the only guy we cared
about? Maybe not. Maybe he's just WOUNDED by the Sandman sticking his hand
all the way through his stomach. Anyhow, I'd also like to commend the TNT
EDITORS for interrupting the movie right in the middle of a chase scene.
This causes people to be HACKED OFF because they're waiting to see what
happens and I'm talkin and they write letters to me saying "Shut up, Joe
Bob, you ignorant yahoo." So THANK YOU VERY MUCH for that excellent
customer-relations move, let's get back to the movie, all
right?
[fading] Do I have to explain everything around this place?
Don't these guys go to the Wharton Business School or something? They
should know this. You don't put five minutes of commercials in the middle
of a chase scene. You put TEN minutes of commercials at the END of the
chase scene.
"SLEEPSTALKER" Outro
They DID kill him off, didn't they?
They killed off the hero of the movie. They let the girl live, but they
kill off the guy who's gone his WHOLE life runnin away from this Sandman
character, and now, when they finally kill the Sandman, they ALSO kill the
guy? Come on! Doesn't this violate some horror movie rule or something?
You can't do that! Griffin was the main character. Megan was just the GIRL
FRIEND. That really BOTHERED me when he died. "Sleepstalker."
All
right, I wanna remind you that next week IS Motor Oil Night here on the
show, and to celebrate, we've got the movie that keeps John DeLorean from
fading into obscurity, Back to the Future, along with Stephen King's
first and last directorial attempt, Maximum Overdrive, where Emilio
Estevez tries to stop all the machines of the world from bludgeoning
people with Diet Cokes. With no Anne Bancroft cameos.
That's it for
me, Joe Bob Briggs, reminding you that the best aphrodisiac is still a
nekkid woman.
You guys hear the one about the bishop of the
cathedral of Notre Dame who sends word that a new bellringer is needed?
The bishop decides he'll conduct the interviews personally and goes up
into the belfry to start the screening process. After several applicants
demonstrate their skills, he decides to call it a day, when a lone,
armless man comes up to him and says that he's there to apply for the
bellringers job. The bishop says, "But you have no arms!" Man says, "No
matter. Observe!" Then he starts striking the bells with his face, making
a beautiful melody. The bishop listens in astonishment, convinced that
he's found a replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, rushing forward to
strike one of the bells, the armless guy trips and plunges out of the
belfry window to his death in the street below. The bishop rushes down the
stairs. When he gets to the street, a crowd has gathered around the
armless guy, drawn by the beautiful music they'd heard from the bells. As
they let the bishop through, one of em asks, "Bishop, who was this man?"
Bishop says, "I don't know his name, but his face rings a
bell."
Joe Bob Briggs, reminding you that the drive-in will never
die.
[fading] Did you think that joke was over? That joke's not
over. The next day, the bishop continues his interviews for the bellringer
of Notre Dame. The first man to apply says to the bishop, "Your
excellency, I am the brother of the poor, armless wretch that fell to his
death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by
allowing me to replace him in this duty." The bishop agrees to give the
man an audition, and as the guy stoops to pick up a mallet to strike the
first bell, he groans, clutches his chest and dies on the spot. Two monks
hear the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, and they rush up
the stairs to his side. The monks say, "What happened? Who is this man?"
Bishop says, "I don't know his name, but he's a dead ringer for his
brother."
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