Sometimes a man has to take the law into his own mouth.
Ed Cannon as the "Vampire Cop"
"Joe Bob Goes to the Drive-In" for 11/30/90
By Joe Bob Briggs
Drive-In Movie Critic of Grapevine, Texas
My close friend Rhett Beavers got called up for Desert Shield duty--he's in the 365th Latrine Maintenance Division, part of a National Guard unit stationed at Fort Gutbucket, Kentucky--and so he showed up at my trailer house at 3 a.m., shaking like a deer on the first day of season.
"What do you think, Joe Bob? Can I be a conscientious defector?"
And I told Rhett, "It's conscientious-OBJECTOR, goat-brain! Besides, you're the only person that ever joined the National Guard for the dental benefits. They're not gonna believe you're INTELLIGENT enough to be a conscientious objector."
"What if I got really drunk before we go into battle?"
"No alcohol in Saudi Arabia. It's a rule Muhammad made up. Not even beer. Not even light beer. Not even non-alcoholic beer, like Lowenbrau."
"What if I started drinkin right now?"
"Rhett?"
"What?"
"Did your mama do a lot of heroin right before you were born?"
And that was the last I saw Rhett for three weeks--until yesterday, when he came back to the house, IN UNIFORM, with bandages all over his arms. Not only that, he was TWICE AS BIG as when he left!
"Rhett, you doing steroids?"
"No way, Jose. How do you like these pecs?"
And he rips off his shirt, and he's got these humongous bulging hamhocks dangling off his chest. And I said, "Rhett, how many times in your life have you been inside a gym?"
And he said, "Counting that time I did three full minutes on the Exercycle?"
"Yes."
"And then barfed on the rowing machine?"
"Yes."
"While the guy was still rowing?"
"HOW MANY TIMES, RHETT!"
"Twice."
"You've been to the gym TWICE? And you have a chest three times bigger than Arnold Schwarzenegger's?"
"Well, see, I met this girl in Matamoros . . ." And then Rhett launches into this story about how he went down to Mexico to get wasted before he had to ship out, and he met a female lab technician for "one of the best plastic surgeons in Juarez," and then he drove all night with this bimbo to get SURGICAL BREAST IMPLANTS ...
And I said, "Rhett! Those things are for women! To pump up their Fujiyamas! They're not for ARMY GUYS!"
And Rhett explained how there's this new procedure where they stick "pectoral implants" under your nipple--they take this bag of silicone and make a whole in your armpit and then ...
And I'm going "Shut up! Stop! Please! Don't say anything else!"
But Rhett keeps telling me the whole grisly story--only in America, you can only get a two-pound pec implant, but if you go to Mexico, you can get FIFTY pounds put in, for HALF the money.
"So who could resist it?" he told me, squeezing his fists together like a gay East German shot-putter.
"Rhett?"
"Yes, Joe Bob?" he said, arching his back like a poodle dog that's been goosed with a Slim Jim.
"You're still an idiot."
"Don't you think those Iraqis will think twice before they . . ."
"Before they shoot a walking balloon in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade?"
"Yeah, I guess so."
"I've changed my mind, Rhett. Go down there and register as a conscientious defector."
"Really?"
"We wouldn't want you to become the first 'latrine maintenance expert' in history that lost a war."
"I never thought of that."
"I'm sure you didn't."
Speaking of government employees who should be offered early retirement, the new movie "Vampire Cop" is about a police officer in Pensacola, Florida, who decides to "take the law into his own mouth." Unfortunately, it's impossible to tell how he became a vampire, why he became a vampire, whether he's a good guy or a bad guy, or, when he fangs somebody, whether it kills em or just turns em into another vampire.
Fortunately, we don't care, because this flick is wall-to-wall nekkid women.
Melissa Moore, who already popped her top this year in "The Invisible Maniac" and Fatal Skies, is a TV reporter who will do anything to get that fast-breaking story about hookers being murdered by a huge bullet-proof man with fangs. In fact, she's so anxious to get the story that she walks off the evening newscast twenty minutes early so she can GET BUSY. In fact, she's SOOOOO anxious to get the story that she invites the vampire cop to her beach house and has ten minutes of slow-motion vampire sex with him, then hunts him down in the red-light district to say "So, last night didn't mean ANYTHING?"
In other words, absolutely no plot to get in the way of the story. I'm gonna add one star to the rating, though, just for the advertising: "VAMPIRE COP! The most action-packed, effects-filled crime-fighting story since Batman!"
The special effects consist of about ten seconds of a drug dealer's face turning into Silly Putty and getting fried off in the sun. My kind of promotion!
Twelve breasts. Twelve dead bodies. Multiple neck-fanging. Wrist-cracking. Double vampire sex in a bathtub. (Don't ask--you don't wanna do it.) Flesh-burning. Co-anchor bashing. Kung Fu. Fang Fu. Fe-Fi-Fo Fu. Gratuitous "Hot Bod" bikini contest. Drive-In Academy Award nominations for Melissa Moore, for ripping off her blouse at every opportunity, and for saying "Quite a night owl, aren't we?"; Ed Cannon, in the title role, for blubbering "You don't know what it's like!"; and for Mal Arnold, the star of the classic Blood Feast, the first gore film in history when it was made in 1963. Mal played Fuad Ramses, maniac Egyptian caterer, in the 1963 film, and he makes his comeback in this movie, as a police lieutenant who gets tied up and tortured with a chainsaw. I know these things.
Two stars. Joe Bob says check it out.
Not to be confused with RoboCop, that's on a different page altogether.
Republican Alert! The Skyview Drive-In in Belleville, Ill., last surviving theater of the once powerful 75-year-old Bloomer Amusement Co., met the wrecking ball so that the world can have one more shopping center. Richard T. Smith of University City, Mo., reminds us that, without eternal vigilance, it can happen here.
To discuss the meaning of life with Joe Bob, or to get free junk in the mail and his world-famous "We Are The Weird" newsletter, write P.O. Box 2002, Dallas, TX 75221, or leave your name and address on his comedy line, 1-900-4-JOEBOB ($1.50 first minute, 75 cents each additional). Joe Bob's Fax: 214-368-2310.
Dear Joe Bob:
I am a graduate student in physics. Your article on the Supercollider was great. Did you ever write anything about the telescope project being held up by environmentalists (on the side of the red squirrels)? Or about the Hubble Space Telescope?
"On rocketship earth
"We navigate space-time
"But we cannot see."
Pete Kernan
Columbus, O.
Dear Pete:
Yes, I wrote an extensive piece for Scientific American on how the red squirrels should be protected from the telescope, especially if it was gonna be trained on the squirrels during mating season. It may seem like a small thing to you or me, but a telescope that powerful, used to humiliate a tiny creature, could stop the reproductive process altogether. Don't you agree?
Dear Joe Bob,
They are running a commercial here for Huggies baby diapers where they put a blue balloon with water in it and a slow leak in the diaper. Then they put the whole thing on a silk pillow. They come back in an hour and open the diaper. If you've ever been near one of those rug rats, you know it ain't no slow leak, and it ain't water that comes out.
Let them open one of those things and have some reality.
Love and kisses,
Sherry Ann Krystyniak
Buffalo, N.Y.
Dear Sherry Ann:
I would be in favor of showing actual used Huggies on TV, especially on so-called "family" sitcoms.
The little tow-headed two-year-old doesn't look quite so CUTE now, does he?
Dear Joe Bob,
Since you are the only person in the western world that has seen more movies than myself, maybe you can settle for once and for all the question that will effect (or is that affect?) civilization as we know it. Is Bettie Page in Roberta and Michael Findlay's "The Body of a Female"? Does this movie even exist? Did the Findley's make it? Also who is really Jean Arliss in "Homicidal"? Enough of these questions or pretty soon I won't believe you're really Joe Bob Briggs (shudder).
Take care,
Barbara Jarvis
Alexandria, Va.
Dear Barbara:
Betty Page, the first great female exploitation star, was retiring to her farm in Tennessee about the time "The Body of a Female" came out (early sixties), and, as far as I know, Betty only appeared in stag flicks, never in a full-length movie.
Yes, "The Body of a Female" was made by the husband-wife exploitation team of Michael and Roberta Findlay, but they changed Roberta's name in the credits. The bosomy dark-haired one called "Anna Riva" is Roberta.
Jean Arless, the transvestite star of "Homicidal," never made another movie after that stunning performance as a wife AND the husband.
Yo Joe Bob,
I am deeply concerned about a topic that I think is very important to you also. I have a friend who is very old and very wise. I believe she speaks to the unseen, the spirits of the dead and the messengers of good and evil. She says there is a time coming soon when the earth will take revenge on its enemies. All creatures known and unknown, demons and changelings will carry out this philosophy. So my word of advice to you is Don't Fill any Wet-lands or we are all f-----. Mark my words. Joe Bob Briggs, mark my words. We are not the f----- (yet) Ahooooooooooooooooooooooooo
WE ARE THE WEIRD
Ha Ha Ho Ho Hee Hee
Thank you for your time,
Sincerely,
Mike Helfman
Menamonie, Wis.
Dear Mike:
I wouldn't dream of filling your friend's wetlands.
Dear Joe Bob,
I want to thank you for your recent article about stray animals and animal shelters. It was well written, and very sad in it's truthfulness. Especially about dogs looking for faces they know. This is an issue that is screaming for action, and obviously people in the media can have a big influence. Treating animals like they were a head of cabbage is not right. In a world where most people have the "ignore it, just be happy" attitude (which is a depressingly brainless attitude), articles like yours are an inspiration.
Sincerely,
John Hennessey
Dallas
Dear John:
If there was such a thing as "stray dolphins," maybe we'd get more done.
There was also "Psycho Cop," not to be confused with Psycho Scarecrow or Maniac Cop (both are Joe Bob reviews) or RoboCop, and the two recent unrelated "American Psycho" movies. And of course Joe Bob has a review of "Psycho 3" on the Psycho movies page itself.
"Vampire Cop" is not available to buy or rent, 
There was also "Psycho Cop," not to be confused with Psycho Scarecrow or Maniac Cop (both are Joe Bob reviews) or RoboCop, and the two recent unrelated "American Psycho" movies. And of course Joe Bob has a review of "Psycho 3" on the Psycho movies page itself.