Mystery Science Theater 3000 presents: #808: The She Creature
Filmed in Depress-o-vision, this talkie follows the exploits of the wholly unappealing, ineffective psychic, Dr. Carlo Lombardi, who has been dipped in oil. Lombardi uses his vanishingly small talents to hypnotize a woman into conjuring a feminine lobster creature from out of the sea to kill people who annoy him. It doesn't make any more sense when you see the film, trust me. Lance Fuller is the only one who can rescue Lombardi's Trilby, a sock-eyed woman named Andrea, who, inexplicably, falls for the sack-of-doorknobs that is Lance. Eventually, the full-figured crawfish creature kills Lombardi and returns to the sea to spawn, or something.
Prologue: Crow learns how painful it can be to confuse a Thawmaster and a Thighmaster. The audience learns just how far we'll go for stupid wordplay.
Segment One: Things with the Observers have deteriorated, what with Pearl in prison and Bobo about to be dissected. Pearl asks Mike for a distraction, which the Nanites provide, and takes one of the Observers' brains hostage. Mike blows up the Observers world, upping his planet destruction count to 2.
Segment Two: Crow makes a Tickle Me Carlo Lombardi doll, based on a saggy, lubricious character from this week's film, The She Creature. It attacks Mike, naturally.
Segment Three: Pearl has escaped the Observer's planet with Bobo and one of the Brain Guys in tow. She tries to get them to sing a round of Row Row Row Your Boat, but finds out that Bobo is too stupid. They get a flat and Bobo jumps out, falling to the surface of a new planet below.
Segment Four: Mike tries out his Lance Fuller acting technique, based on the non-acting of the lead character of The She Creature. This makes sense when you see the film and realize that Lance Fuller is a horrible, horrible actor.
Segment Five: Mike and the 'Bots try to guess what the question mark at the end of the film stood for. Meanwhile, Pearl taunts Mike because she's got the Observer on her side, an all-powerful being who, for some reason, obeys her every command.
Unfortunately, many of my memories of past movies are swamped by ill feelings toward its actors. Did funny or interesting things happen during the filming of She Creature? I couldn't tell you - I was busy hating Lance Fuller. Any on-set shenanigans? Don't know - I was calling a contract hit on Dr. Carlo Lombardi.
I do remember feeling unmitigated joy at finishing my final shot as the Observer. No more clown white, an evil invention. It takes roughly 1300 scrubbings with Lava soap to get the stuff out of your skin. By the time you're done, your skin isn't so much red as it is gone. You can see the musculature that covers your face. You must go into hiding for weeks until new flesh begins to grow and fill in. There are many good reasons not to become a clown (i.e., they're evil, wholly unfunny creatures in league with the Man-goat), and clown white is at the top of the list.
- Michael J. Nelson
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