(From Joe Bob's Ultimate B Movie Guide) |
Call it "Nukes in Toyland," outstanding eighties paranoia. There we are,
minding our own business, when Communist SWAT teams parachute onto the
elementary school playground and start blowing away safety-patrol
officers. After eight or ten second-graders get sprayed with automatic
weapons fire, the adolescent survivors go down to the Stop-n-Go and load
up some Cokes and Twinkies and head off into the mountains to hide. It
turns out that the Commie SWAT team leader is a Meskin who's been down in
Salvador City shotgunning the peasants and kissing Fidel's hiney. He lands
his copter in a small Colorado town and tells his men to get all the
gun-registration records. See what happens when you don't listen to
Charlton Heston? The high school kids make each other drink deer blood out
of Dixie cups until they get tired of Beenie Weenies and go back to town
for some Kennel Ration. But the Communists have taken over by then and
sent everybody over to the drive-in (!) for "re-education." All day long
they keep the parents penned up while they spout propaganda slogans like
"America is a whorehouse" on the drive-in speakers, so the high school
kids go back up into the mountains to make a plan, only on the way they
stop at Ben Johnson's house and pick up two bimbos he's been hiding under
his kitchen floor. Ben tells these guys he doesn't want his granddaughters
getting raped by the Communists, so the guys take em along to kill some
Russkies. Then the bimbos refuse to wash dishes like they're told, so they
tell em at least they can make themselves useful and hide bombs in their
bras or something, so they do start helping to annihilate the enemy. Next,
a Russian tank blows away 20 red-blooded Americans WHILE they're singing
"America." I do believe it's time for Kung Fu City. Kids start popping out
of wheatfields to blow away pinkos, planting bombs in Commie trucks, and
fighting heat-seeking Soviet missile launchers with single-shot deer
rifles. They get some help when Powers Boothe gets shot down in his F-15
and tells em how Omaha, Washington and Kansas City got nuked, but
fortunately nothing important was damaged. Then he gets em all together
and they go attack the drive-in and play some touch football, and then
they fight some Russian tanks, and then some Blue Thunder copters come and
try to destroy the kids, resulting in: 104 dead bodies, which was a drive-in record breaker in 1984 Two gallons of blood A little kung fu Two motor vehicle chases. One drive-in demolition derby. Four crash-and-burns. Three tons of twisted metal. With the great Ron O'Neal, better known as Superfly, as the Commie Meskin leader. Check it out before this happens in your town. Stars Patrick Swayze, with Jennifer Grey (the same two who later did some Dirty Dancing). Additional cast included Lea Thompson of Back To The Future, Ben Johnson of Mystery Science Theater 3000's "Being From Another Planet," MonsterVision favorite Harry Dean Stanton, and Charlie Sheen of The Wraith. Directed by John Milius of Conan The Barbarian fame. |