I have a slight problem. See, there comes a time in every man's life when she er...I mean when HE needs to prove his masculinity and prove that he's "one of the guys!" But gee golly, Alli, I'm having one heck of a time proving it to my fellow "homeboys." They only ask me for advice when it comes to hair gel and chap stick- that reminds me, I need to pick up another tube of Creamy Beige Foundation later- and they always hound me about my beanie baby collection. I am perfectly comfortable with my manhood, but how can I get my chums to accept me as real man? Toodles for now, Alli!
Signed
- Poofulicious
Dear Poofu,
Okay, the first thing you have to do is get rid of all of the Avon catalogs and such. It might beyour passion, but if you're serious about showing your friends how "manly" you are, that's what you'll have to do.
I'm normally an advocate of being yourself, so if you want to wear the make-up, go for it. Be your true self, but if you are dead set on becoming one of the guys. Here is a simple check list of what you should and shouldn't do.
I hope you find this helpful, if not feel free to write again. I hope I can be of service.
--Alli
1. Drink Beer.
2. Scratch yourself.
3. Comment on the size of girls' boobs and asses.
4. Watch, comment on, and play all sports.
5. Do NOT check out the other guys' asses.
6. Do NOT comment on how much better you could have done their make-up.
I need your help. I'm a really famous pop star who sings in this really huge popular band, but I need to keep a low prof on my identity. Here's my prob. I'm dating a gold digging whore who looks like Mr. Ed, I go on these crazy dope illy fresh crack binges, I'm trying to grow my hair out like the cowardly lion from The Wizard of Oz, and if that's not weak enough, *whispers* my package don't fit into my pants! I keep losin' weight because of the lines that I snort and my people keep cuttin' down my size 27 to a size 24! Who's dick can fit in a 24, Alli? Not mine! This is bananas. Help a fool out here!
Signed
-Don't tell nobody that I'm JC from *NSYNC
Dear Someone Other Than JC from *NSYNC,
I've looked over your letter several times, but I think I've finally come up to help you out in your many problems. You need to dump the chick. If she's a gold digger, then she don't love you. She loves your money. And if you're worried about the ass that you will no longer be getting if you dump her. Go look in the mirror. If you even resemble JC Chasez, whom you are not. Then you shouldn't have any problem getting some quality ass.
Next, the drug issue. Just quit. I know that sounds hard, but if it's affecting you sexually, what the hell is your problem. If your dick doesn't fit in your pants, gain some weight, so your pants'll be bigger. Then lose the weight again, and keep the bigger pants. Problem solved.
And keep the hair. I like long hair *wink*
--Alli
I have a very severe problem. Here's my story: Recently my long-time boyfriend and I broke up because he got drunk and got some girl pregnant. Now all during the pregancy we were still "together" (if you understand me...) but now that she's had the baby he wants nothing to do with me. I'm so confused. We used to be so close. We did everything together; traveled, cuddled and even worked together. And not only that Allison, I've been "developing" a lot lately... let's say coming out of a bad phase, and now I think i'm starting to like girls. My boyfriend and I used to go to a lot of clubs and stuff, and I would dance with the girls but now i'm starting to enjoy it! Now I don't know whether I like girls or still want to be with my ex despite the fact that he has a child. What should I do...
Sincerely,
Confused in Mississippi
Dear Mississipi,
You need to move on. He has a family now. You can't take that away from him. You say that you are starting to feel for girls. That's something really good. Try it out for a little white. See how you like it. New experiences are always overwhelming at first, but with time, you fully discover whether you will grow accostumed to it or not.
I wish you all the luck in the world with your new lifestyle, and personally hope that it works out for you. It'll take a little while to get used to, but sooner or later you will, and you'll be happy you let that other guy go.
--Alli
Well that's all for this week, I have a huge mail bag full of letters, so I'll give you another installment as soon as I can get advice that will suit the problems of my readers.
-Alli
