Where you're going with JC: Sushi Bar. Pay careful attention to what you eat. Don't play when it comes to raw food. If you're like me there's to be no kissing on this date. "You put raw fish and seaweed on your tongue and you wanna put it in my mouth? I don sink so senor." Bring freshener, you're gonna smell like fish no matter how hard you try.
Where you're going with Joey: Bonanza's All You Can Eat Buffet. Limit him to three trips to the dessert bar and watch to avoid having him slip food into his pockets. Slip Gas-X in his Pepsi. You'll thank me for that one. Avoid the mystery meat from the hot bar, and keep away from tacos and spaghetti. You may actually meet someone hot that you want to make a good impression on.
Where you're going with Chris: Sloppy Joe's Barbeque Pit. Invest in a bib. Get him two. Don't make eye contact with the other patrons. Refrain from eating anything listed on the menu as "Suprise" eg: Vegetable SURPRISE, Pork SURPRISE. Bring wet ones for his goatee. It's NOT a snack saver.
Where you're going with Lance: The Family Diner (Bass Family). Dress appropriately. Chances are, his mother will be joining you. Or she'll be cooking, and the REST of his family will be in attendance. I suggest your church dress. Brush up on Southern Etiquette. You're required to know how to clean a plate with your only utensils being fingers and cornbread. You have to manage to do that and STILL LOOK CLASSY.
Where you're going with Justin: Snake Eyes Tap Room and Pool Hall. The seediest dive in the very worst ghetto of ::snickers:: Memphis. Now you can insist that you aren't hungry and send him in alone. Barring that, go in but the BBQ Pit eye contact rule still applies. Order the fastest thing on the menu. I suggest bread and water, you'll fit right in. Ask for a doggy bag BEFORE your food arrives. As Juju eats, pick up any of the five plates he isn't yet eating from and begin loading the doggy bags. Insist that you cannot wait to get him alone. Don't allow him to expose every credit card or bill in his wallet, and where possible, have him pay with SMALL BILLS. Leave a tip an average 20% LARGER THAN THE CHECK.
// NEXT STOP! //
Where you're going with JC: Hotel Paradise BABAY! And just when you think you're IN, he'll fill you in on the accomodations at your disposal while he takes a nap. You don't mind do you? I suggest the bar. Put it on his tab. If the bartender is cute, put another room on his tab too. Not a total loss.
Where you're going with Joey: Debbi's House of Hoes. He will insist that you'll enjoy yourself. YES the sign does say 'Female Revue', but the bartenders and waiters are all in tiny tight shorts. He'll forget to mention that the guys are all gay. Take his wallet away at the door and use it to call a cab. Then treat yourself to a new outfit before heading home.
Where you're going with Chris: You're headed straight to the Puppy Pen Warehouse. Don't let him buy the ugliest mutt in there, and restrain him from buying in bulk. Insist that the weasily lookin little anklebiter that's baring sharp fangs IS NOT the pup for you. Question. Do you mind a tongue in your mouth that has been shared with a cage full of pups who've been licking each other's behinds? Add to that the fact that he smells like a kennel and it looks like you're going solo in a cab home, if you're smart.
Where you're going with Lance: You're seeing a theatre production of Seven Brides for Seven Brothers. Pay attention. Be the shoulder he cries on when he gets homesick. Bring Kleenex, there are several horses in that one. Everytime they say "Toby", give his hand a squeeze to reassure him that you care and whatever you do...DO NOT LAUGH. If you make a sympathy play, you might get laid. YOU WANT THIS. (See: Lance *NBed)
Where you're going with Justin: SHOPPIN CENTRAL GIRL! But don't get too excited. He's treating you to a bag of Gummi Bears and a BOP featuring himself for that lonely five hours outside of the Tommy dressing room. Don't get too angry when you won't fit in the car with his shopping bags, cause he'll come back for you...just as soon as he finishes showing Mom and Brit all his fly new gear...
My advice would be simply to find yourself a nice nerdy guy with alot of money and a future on Wall Street. Money can in fact be alot warmer than a man's ego...and that's another uselful tip from Tabz. Don't forget me in the Thank You's.
