Every once in a while one of my girls gets a little down, and I always send them these one liners to get a laugh out of them. I didn't write them, but they're great for profiles and siggies. ~ Tabz
See, they think it's funny.
One Liners
There is an angel inside of me whom I am constantly shocking.
I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.
I have no problem with you talking to yourself, just as long as it doesn't turn into an argument.
I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
I am the one your parents warned you about.
Fear not my insanity, fear the mind it protects.
I live in my own little world, but it's ok, they know me here.
In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
I am the world's greatest authority on my own opinion.
I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add.
All right! I know I'm in there! If I don't come out with my hands up, I'm coming in after me!
That which does not kill me... will be the basis for my revenge.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
Of course I'm arrogant. The best usually are.
I'll listen to logic and reason when it comes out on CD.
The trouble with life is, you're half way through it before you realize it's a 'do it yourself' thing.
To err is human, to forgive... unlikely.
"I like to tell people I have the heart of a small boy. Then I say it's in a jar on my desk." - Stephen King
"I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada." - Britney Spears
Tourist: Someone who goes 3,000 miles to get a picture in front of his car.
Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny.
Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
Baby-sitter: A teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers
Politics: From the words 'poly' meaning 'many' and 'ticks' as in 'small, blood-sucking parasites'.
Hoochie: Anyone in the first 5 rows at a boyband concert.
I brake for hallucinations.
I want to die in my sleep like grandpa, not terrified and screaming like his passengers.
My kid was Prisoner of the Month at Orange County Jail.
i souport publik edekasion.
Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly.
Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
Drugs cause amnesia and other things I can't remember...
Horn broken, watch for finger.
You are depriving some poor village of its idiot.
There are two kinds of pedestrians - the quick and the dead.
Don't piss me off - I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. - Henny Youngman
I have a drink to celebrate the little things. Like Tuesdays - we only have one of those a week!
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. - Dean Martin
Don't Annoy The Crazy Person
The opinions expressed herein are not necessarily those of my employer, not necessarily mine, and probably not necessary.
None of the ideas expressed above are actually mine. They are told to me by Luthor and Ferdinand, the five inch tall space aliens who live under my desk. In return for these ideas, I have given them permission to eat any dust bunnies they may find under there.
Lucifer Speaking. Who in hell do you want?
Hi, we are probably at home we are just screening our call to avoid someone we don't like, leave a message and if we don't call back it was you!
Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried slamming a revolving door.
If you blow in a dog's face-he'll get mad at you, but take him for a ride in the car - the first thing he does is stick his head out of the window
The more you cry, the less you have to pee.
In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, people take prozac to make it normal.
A rumour without a leg to stand on will get around some other way.
Man is a peculiar creature. He spends a fortune making his home insect-proof and air-conditioned, and then eats in the yard.
If tomorrow never comes, then, you're dead.
If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing in the store is free yet?
Rehab is for quitters
It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
Don't trust reality. After all, it's only a collective hunch.
'I feel like I should have a great idea right now. But I don't.' - Noam
Love your enemies just in case your friends turn out to be a bunch of bastards
Please don't throw your toothpicks in our toilets, our crabs have learned to pole vault.
I used to drive down the long highways, throwing tomatoes out the window yelling, 'Hooray for the spicy chipmunk!'
I can bend minds with my spoon.
If you're flying down the highway, and your wings fall off your boat how many pancakes can you stack on top of a green doghouse?
If Train A leave San Francisco at 8:30am EST travelling 25mph and Train B leaves Chicago at 1:30pm MST travelling at 40mph, and they're 3000 miles apart when they start, what is the capitol of Bulgaria?
Hope is NOT a thing with feathers, the thing with feathers is my nephew, and I have to take him to a specialist in Zurich. - Woody Allen
A corpse is a corpse, of course, of course, and no-one can talk to a corpse, of course. That is, of course, unless the corpse is the famous Mr. Dead!
Some of my colleagues think that the chemicals we are experimenting with could potentially cause brain damage, however I think that fish crunchy bits of salami my new red hippie noodle. Naked pool frogs?
If a chicken and a half can lay an egg and a half in a minute and a half, how long would it take a monkey with a wooden leg to kick all the seeds out of a dill pickle?
How mad would a wood chuck get if a big neon pink Koala bear named Ishtar ran into the woods and chucked all the wood before the woodchuck could?
Small, green leafy bodies, long tongues drooling over sharp incisors, they weren't human, they were brussel sprouts... killer brussel sprouts.
Ladies and gentleman, hoboes and tramps, cross-eyed mosquitoes, and bowlegged ants. I stand here before you, not behind you, to tell you something I know nothing about. Last night about 6:00 this morning, an empty truck loaded with bricks almost killed my dead cat. We rushed him to the hospital, slow as we could, only to find King Arthur, sitting at the fourth corner of the round table eating vinegar with a fork.
Life's short and hard, kind of like a bodybuilding elf.
Give a man a match and he'll be warm for an hour... Set him on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Sanity is not my strong point. -Pelican Bob
Sometimes I have a difficult time handling myself in social situations. I just start scampering around neurotically, frantically jumping all over guests. I think it all goes back to when I was raised in the wild by miniature schnauzers.
In space, no one can hear your teddy bear scream.
I know exactly what I think about all this, but I can never find words to put it in. Maybe if I get a little drunk I could dance it for you.
I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.
I'm lost. I've gone to look for myself, so if I get back before I return, please ask me to wait.
When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?
I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
I figure I'm pretty good with the B.S. but I love listening to an expert. Keep talking
I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that it can't be blamed on somebody else.
I think, therefore, I am... not related to you.
You know, you could have been prevented for a quarter.
The wheel is still spinning, but the hamster is dead...
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
Hey! Quit hogging all the ugly!
Everyone is entitled to be stupid but you're abusing the privilege.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Don't worry, I'm fluent in weirdo.
I'd like to see things your way, but I'm not sure if I can stick my head that far up my ass.
If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
You couldn't get a clue during the clue mating season in a field full of horny clues if you smeared your body with clue musk and did the clue mating dance
Try not to let your mind wander. It is too small to be out by itself. - L. Atkinson
He gave her a piece of his mind, and couldn't get by on what was left.
Why are you here, and what can I do to change that?
Hey, I don't know if you're aware but, there are these two things you can put together and use everyday to make people around you smile... they're called, SOAP AND WATER!
Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, you might leave a stain.
The proctologist called... they found your head.
I read your mind, and trust me, it was a short story...
Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, God made me pretty, what happened to you?
I heard you had an idea once, but it died of loneliness.
If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
Your sister didn't get beat with the ugly stick. The whole tree fell on her!
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.
The average woman prefers beauty over brains because the average man can see better than he can think.
Grow your own Dope. Plant a man.
All men are idiots... I think I married their king.
'Here's to the men that we love,
and here's to the men that love us,
But the men that we love,
Aren't the men that love us,
So to hell with the men.
Here's to us!
First, God created man. Then he had a better idea.
A man is like a fine wine. He starts out raw as grapes and it's a woman's job to stomp on him and keep him in the dark until he matures into something she'd like to have dinner with.
Single Women Can't fart, They Don't get Assholes till they Marry.
There are easier things in life than finding a good man... like nailing jello to a tree, for instance.
Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy. - Henry Kissinger
Never chase after a man or a train - another one will always come along.
Sometimes I think that if there were a third sex, men wouldn't get so much as a glance from me.
Cabbage: A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head.
Girls will be girls, boys will be toys.
I haven't found Mr Right, but I have found Mr Cheap, Mr Sleazy and Mr Wrong.
I believe in dragons, good men, and other fantasy creatures.
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "I was a fool when I married you." she replied "yes dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
It begins when you sink into his arms and ends with your arms in the sink.
If a man says something in the middle of a forest and there isn't a woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
A woman who strives to be equal to a man lacks ambition.
If they can send a man to the moon, why can't they send all of 'em?
Men! They sweep you off your feet then try to hand you the broom!
For every girl with a curve there are several men with angles.
Women do come with instructions. Just ask them.
Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.
If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them.
Profanity: The linguistic crutch of inarticulate bastards
Frisbeetarianism: The belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
Conscience: That part of the psyche that dissolves in alcohol.
School: Place where people learn how to copy textbooks, for that common situation in later life when the photocopier breaks and you really need part of a book you aren't allowed to borrow.
Diplomacy: The ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way he looks forward to the trip.
Stress: The confusion created when ones mind overrides the body's basic desire to choke the living crap out of some butthead who desperately needs it.
Reality: A crutch for people who can't face drugs.
