The thought that got away...
He's thinking, "I shouldn't have had that last drink..."
- Skye's Rugrats toothpaste is flavored Blue Fruit. Have you ever seen a blue fruit? Is there one? Tastes pretty nasty.
- I refrain from buying a certain shampoo that claims to "liven up your hair". Hair is dead as soon as it comes out of your scalp. Would you take a shampoo to the graveyard and try to liven up great-grandma? No I don't think you would. And if you would, there's a descriptive four letter word for you.
- I have alot to say about Pond's Pore Strips. They piss me off. What clever genius created this? Once you buy one, you have to use them every week for the rest of your life. Wanna know why? Your pores are clogged. Wanna know with what? The friggin glue from the previous pore strip. It's toxic and permanent. And they tell you to smooth out all air bubbles. That's like ironing one side of a shirt, turning it over, ironing, turning it over, and having the previous side be wrinkled again. And what moron decided not to market the facial strips in my area? All we have is the kind that's shaped for your nose. So I have to cut them up and paste them all over my face and play "Pond's Monster" for 20 minutes. Ok I think I'm done. Except to say that this racket is almost as huge as the *NSYNC merchandise marketing, and I want stock.
- I use Noxema and it rocks. But someone will always come over when my face is covered in it, and I look like I've gone haywire with a can of mousse.
- I'm tired of going to the movies. Sugar and Spice was so not worth the money for it's two really funny moments. "I'm gonna be somebody's bald bitch!" That's one of them. Sorry I just ruined it for ya. But I saved you seven bucks.
- Just once, don't ya wanna hear the rabbit say, "Gimme the damned Trix or I'm gonna gnaw your friggin eyeballls out."?
- Speaking of cereal, I get a weird craving for Reese's Puffs everytime I work on the site. WTF is up with that?
- Speaking of movies, two words are currently making me a headcase. Totally mental. Chicken Run. British chickens with teeth. Nuff said.
- "My neighbor with a daughter had a fever so I gave her just a little kiss...like this." Yup, that's a workout for the rewind button. If Britnerd wasn't standing right next to him, it's be perfection.
- You ever have a real REAL conversation with a college grad? Someone with an intelligent major that is. I wanna know, at what point in the college career does random factual knowledge overtake and remove all common sense?
- My brother is making a career out of Wal-Mart overnight stocking. But he's still not stupid enough to give me the 1000 dollar ring he bought for the girlfriend he just broke up with. I gotta keep working on that one.
- Dad came running downstairs to tell me that they announced on ET that Britney Spears got her nipples pierced. How exactly does one come upon this information? How do you throw that one into a conversation? "Hey, I got my nipples pierced and my boobs didn't deflate. Told ya'll they wasn't fake."
- People like my dad are fun. He's not a college grad, and he likes to use big words. Problem is, he's got an intelligent daughter. I happen to know that most of the time he's using words totally out of context. For the dummies out there, the words he uses don't mean what he thinks they mean, thereby changing the meaning of the whole statement. No clue what he's really saying but he thinks he sounds impressive. It's a laugh riot.
- Don't tease your parents. Something bad will happen that enables them to say, "I told you so, but you don't listen to me." Do your parents give you that "Why do you have to learn everything the hard way" speech? How do you answer that? "Cause I'm a putz."
- I like work because I have my own office. I don't even have my own bedroom. It's quiet there.
- I cleaned the house for eight and a half hours on Saturday. Why? I'm addicted to diet pills that jazz you up like speed. On Sunday, the house was trashed again by my oh so considerate family. Next time I'll jog around the block. Ingrates.
- I asked the little stupid dog, Baby, (I shall hereby refer to as "midget moron") if she wanted to go for a ride. All I needed to do was go to the store for soda so I wasn't getting dressed. She got in the car, got excited, and pissed in my lap. Moral of the story? Don't be lazy, just get dressed from the start. Or, kill the dog and save yourself the mental anguish.
- The midget moron needed a haircut. Now she looks like she has cancer. Mah bad.
- We have a big dumb shepard that knocks everything over with her tail, barks at the wind, and tries to bite everyone who comes thru the door. She cowers and shakes when I stand up though. Dunno why. I only kicked her that once.
- I hate Joey. With a passion. "They have to put a turkey on stage to get Joey to run." Did that not confirm what we've been saying about the twinkie thief for two years? I hate Joey. Ugh. Pig.
- Did anyone see the making the halftime show? Didn't it sound painful when Justin hit Chris on the stage? I wanted to see him get up. They changed scenes. It sucked.
- Speaking of which, I'd be totally jazzed if someone could explain the sweatsock on Britnerd's arm? I missed something.
- I can solve heartache. OU is pronounced OW as in "out" and "about" right? So take that and put it into YOU. "I love yow" takes all the romance right outta that statement. End of problem.
- Mandee will sit at her computer while falling asleep. Is it that addicting? Have you ever sat and stared at the blank screen and wonder what you wanted to do online? What the hell are we waiting for? Internet fairies? The lottery? Read a book.
- Why will MTV replay every old ass *NSYNC appearance that you already have taped, and NEVER rerun the funny ones, like Top 40 Unedited, that so few people have seen?
- Will there ever be a taped performance that doesn't focus thirty percent of their time on the half naked children in the audience? What purpose does that serve?
- Why do I always get really great job offers two weeks into a new job that I'm too grateful for to quit?
- Why does the dryer eat one of my socks from every load of clothes? Where do they go? Are they happier there? Singles Sock Conventions. What a thought.
- My son will get sick EVERYTIME I absolutely need to be at work. Like today, when Jackie's going on vacation and we need to get caught up, and keep up while she's gone. The daycare will inevitably say, he can't come back without a doctors note. The doctor will inevitably say, he can't get an appointment for three days. Just fire me now.
- Men suck. I'd gratefully be a lesbian if I could, but I'm not. That sucks sometimes. *LOL* I'm an honorary lesbian. Men suck but I'm not attracted to women. Oh wait, that's a nun.
- My 18 year old brother has hand cuffs, a porn mag, and hot lotion under his bed. The mental imagery is far too funkin hilarious to be explainable to you younger readers.
- Wade has got it hot for Britnerd. I find that funny. Justin pays him to keep him close.
- We're lazy ass people. You can do everything with a remote now, and nothing with the actual electronic device. My VCR is stuck on slow play, and I can't find the remote which means I get two hours to a tape, so if it's two hours and ten minutes, you've sat thru a movie that in the future will have no ending. Inevitably, you will forget this, as with "True Lies" And I can't remember how it ended, so now I'm pissed.
- I finally saw Britnerd's "Dawn Paslowski" skit from Saturday Night Live. Frickin hilarious. "She's all like huh, and I'm like what, and she's like uh-uh, and I'm like oh no you didn't." Comedy.
- I'm tired. And I'm wired too. Make sense? No of course not. It's like being on bad drugs.
- Michael Jackson is odd. His songs are so easy to parody that it's a waste of time. "Beat It"? I mean come on.
- I wanna see "Monkey Bone" It's the new Brendan Fraser movie and he's hot. His acting is irrelevant. Although I hear he's pretty good. I hadn't noticed. But I liked him in "George Of The Jungle". He's money in a 'butt flap'.
- Things that suck: Egotistical men, moronic dogs, that song about being like a bird by that girl I wanna murder violently, Valentine's day candy, VH1 reruns, Carson Daly, Adam Sandler's limited amount of time in the halftime show, Sarah Jessica Parker, the news, cop shows, westerns.
- "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" rocks. I've seen it like 200 times. And that makes me a rookie compared to die hard fans. Know what movies I love? "Cool As Ice", yup and Vanilla Ice is the star. That soundtrack is so on. "Say Anything". "The Lost Boys". Have you seen "Dogma" yet? You have to. Ignoring the obvious hottay presence of Ben Affleck and Matt Damon, it's sugar cane comedy. The kind that hurts you inside. Alanis Morrisette plays God. Chris Rock stars. Nuff said. "The Breakfast Club" and "St. Elmo's Fire" are two of my favorites. Don't watch the TNT versions, they suck.
- Shakespears Sister did a song called "STAY". It's tough as hell and if you can find it, you'll love it. No matter what you listen to. It's almost violently awesome. I felt like Wayne for a minute. SHWING.
- I like Britney's cds, aside from the fact that the beats are repetitive. I sat thru her Honolulu concert yelling at the t.v. "Sing something live, cause I KNOW you can sing!". Then she did my favorite song, "Don't Let Me Be The Last To Know" and she sang it live. The next few minutes found me screaming at the television, "USE THE BACKTRACK, YOU'RE RUINING MY SONG!" Moral of the story, be careful what you wish for.
- The new Book Of Pooh with the puppets as opposed to animation sucks. Those are some scary looking creatures.
- I could live the rest of my life with potato skins and cheddar cheese as my only source of nourishment.
- Speaking of which, I can drink pretty well I think. Grape juice just has it out for me. No matter how well I seem to be handling my cup, grape juice will jump from my hand and stain what I'm wearing. Every damned time.
- I had a phone argument with my friend Michael tonight over whether or not polish makes your nails stronger. I say it does. He insists that he knows it doesn't because he paints his aunt's nails all the time. I don't know what worries me more, that he paints his aunt's nails, or that he would actually start an argument about it.
