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Bill O'Reilly v. Bill Clinton:
Stamps of Disapproval
New 33˘ Stamps for Fox News'
The O'Reilly Factor
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"Clinton & The Constitution" is the first U.S. stamp to feature a living President.
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If you watched The O'Reilly Factor on Jan. 20, '99, you know Bill got some grief about the outdated stamp on his address graphic.
To keep Bill up-to-date, I'm offering selections from the Postal Services' new line of 33˘ stamps, each with a "Special Bill Clinton Theme." This will remind future generations why William Jefferson Clinton isn't worthy of a stamp bearing his name and likeness.
Bill O'Reilly is one the toughest and most articulate commentators in television today. So don't nag him -- just let him know which stamp >you think he should use, and why. Email him at oreilly@foxnews.com, or visit www.foxnews.com/oreilly.
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Bill O'Reilly v. Bill Clinton:
"Stamps of Disapproval"
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The Classroom Flag
Send Bill Clinton back to school. No, not the School for Scandal -- he was valedictorian! To the Morality Finishing School, where moral failures don't receive social promotion. This stamp is a reminder of Bill's new curriculum of ABC's:
Abstinence Breeds Character.
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Honoring Those Who Served
This stamp is a tribute to men & women a class above Clinton: Military veterans. Clinton ran like a chicken instead of serving like a man. Clinton's version of honor is visible in Hillary's icy smile as he "honored" her at his State of the Union Address.
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Insects and Spiders
Can you pick out the Stinky Flynt Bug, the Stinging Carville and the Stick-Insect Kendall? Shine a light in the White House and you'll see dozens of creepy crawlies scurrying for cover. History will remember Clinton for the scurrilous insect he is.
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Gray Wolf
Don't let the gray hair fool you -- this is not Grandmother. ; Hide your picnic basket, your pinafore, and your pretty progeny. He'll have his paws all over any girlie without a chaperone. "My, what big lies you have, Mr. President!"
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Hospice Care
Liberal policies are almost dead -- so let's place them in Political Hospice Care, and send a Kick-in-the-Grave™ bouquet. Clinton stole ideas from the Republican Pharmacy -- and euthanized Big Government with Kervorkian glee! Put the final nail in his political career with this new stamp.
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Prostate Cancer Awareness
There's a cancer on the Presidency -- not his prostate. For Peete's sake, Willie, stop playing with that! And get back to work! Might you possibly squeeze in one Cabinet meeting this year -- or is that too much to ask? And take out the trash! It hasn't been out since Martha's Vineyard!
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Victorian Love
Nothing says "I care about you" like degrading mensroom sex. Sure, it lacks the subtlety of cryptic Valentine's Day classifieds, but it makes up for it in juvenile daring. Tell Clinton he's a disgusting misogynistic pig by nominating this stamp as your choice for The O'Reilly Factor.
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Crayola Crayons
"Coloring inside the lines" has long been a metaphor for marital fidelity. Let's teach the President the difference between Civilization and Syphilization. Apparently everything he needs to know wasn't learned in Kindergarten.
H Rate Makeup Stamp
The previous stamp may seem outdated, but don't throw it away! A 32˘ stamp is still legal tender with a 1˘ Makeup Stamp. 1˘ is about all Bill's tender kiss-and-make-up apologies are worth, anyway. Mr. President, you're going to have to get up a little earlier in the morning to fool us any more.
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* Not affiliated with Fox News, The O'Reilly Factor, or The United States Postal Service. Clipart courtesy of www.foxnews.com/oreilly and www.usps.gov. All other material is copyright Paul Klenk, 1999. All rights reserved.
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