THE BEER TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE:
Symptom: Beer is crystal-clear. FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up. ACTION: Punch him. SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone; don't recognize the room you're in FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party. ACTION: See if they have free beer. SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet. FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle. ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling. SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet. FAULT: Improper bladder control. ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, and complain about house training. SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless. FAULT: Glass empty. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer. SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. FAULT: You have fallen over backward. ACTION: Have yourself chained to bar. SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts. FAULT: You have fallen forward. ACTION: See above. SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face. ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror. SYMPTOM: Floor blurred. FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer. SYMPTOM: Floor moving. FAULT: You are being carried out. ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark. FAULT: Bar has closed. ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender, and take taxi home. SYMPTOM: Taxi's interior suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures. FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations. ACTION: Cover mouth. SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles. FAULT: You are dancing on the table. ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking. SYMPTOM: Hands hurts, nose hurts, mind unusually clear. FAULT: You have been in a fight. ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them. SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted. FAULT: The beer is too weak. ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves. SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song. FAULT: Beer is just right. ACTION: Play air guitar. SYMPTOM: Ugly woman in your sights. FAULT: Insufficient beer intake. ACTION: Up the dosage. SYMPTOM: Shins and toes hurt. FAULT: You've been walking into things. ACTION: Maintain dosage. SYMPTOM: Squishy feeling in your hands FAULT: You have grabbed hold of a woman's breasts. ACTION: Duck to avoid boyfriend's fist. SYMPTOM: Bed is bumping around. FAULT: Taking an ambulance ride. ACTION: It's too late, you made an ass of yourself ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Chicken Soup for the Beer Drinker Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." --by Jack Handy I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. --Frank Sinatra The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober. --William Butler Yeats An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. --Ernest Hemingway Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.--Ernest Hemingway Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time. --Catherine >Zandonella Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol. --Anonymous A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. --W.C. Fields What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch? --Tee Mans When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. --Henny Youngman Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.-- Michelle Mastrolacasa I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy. --Tom Waits 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? --Stephen Wright When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven! -- Brian O'Rourke Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. --Winston Churchill Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. --Benjamin Franklin If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. > --Deep Thought, Jack Handy Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. --Dave Barry The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. >--Humphrey Bogart Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world. --Kaiser Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. --Dave Barry You know you're drunk when you fall off the floor. And God said, "Let there be vodka!" And He saw that it was good. Then God said, "Let there be light!" And then He said, "Whoa - too much light." You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. --Dean Martin Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 1862! Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser. To some its a six-pack, to me it's a support group ! Beer - Because one doesn't solve the world's problems over white wine
