They borrowed the FAA's chicken launcher, loaded the chicken and fired.
The ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, went through the engineer's
chair, broke an instrument panel and imbedded itself in the back wall of
the engine cab. The British were stunned and asked the FAA to recheck the
test to see if everything was done correctly.
The FAA reviewed the test thoroughly and had one recommendation:
"Use a thawed chicken."
"ADULTERY"
A missionary gets sent into deepest darkest Africa and goes to live with
tribe therein. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read,
write and the good Christian ways of the white man. One thing he
particularly stresses is the evils of sexual sin. Thou must not commit
adultery or fornication!!
gives birth to a white child. The village is shocked and the chief is sent
by his people to talk with the missionary. "You have taught us of the evils
of sexual sin, yet here a black woman gives birth to a white child. You
are the only white man that has ever set foot in our village. It doesn't
take a genius to work out what has been going on!" The missionary replies:
"No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What you have here is a natural
occurrence - what is called an albino. Look to thy yonder field. See a
field of white sheep, and yet amongst them is one black one. Nature does
this on occasion." The chief pauses for a moment then says "Tell you what,
you don't say anything about the sheep, I won't say anything about the white-child"
Redneck Etiquette
PERSONAL HYGIENE
- Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they
tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the tastes of finger foods.
- While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that
should be done in private using one's "own" truck keys.
- Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette
lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal
and save hours. (Its a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy
when using this method.)
- The first rule of shaving is to take your time. A man who is
always clean-shaven runs the risk of being labeled a sissy or a banker.
- Its recommended that women occasionally shave their legs and
underarms. No amount of effort, not even braiding, can make hair
in these body regions attractive.
- Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.
- Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
FASHION
- Pearls with a tube top? Yes, they are an excellent example of
understated elegance but "never" before April.
- No matter how durable, Army boots are not proper footwear for
mothers. And hip waders are not considered dress pants.
- As to proper clothing for men, this subject can be summarized in
a single phrase: No collar, no tie.
DINING OUT
- When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and
pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine. If drinking
directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering
the label.
- In regards to table conversation, avoid stories about car wrecks,
operations, or sick pets. Nothing ruins a good meal quicker than
someone getting sick or sentimental at the table.
- While okay at home, it's considered crass to ask, "Are you gonna
eat the rest of that meatloaf?" Especially if you don't know the
person.
- Many establishments frown on the use of a "doggie bag" at an
all-you-can- eat salad bar. Avoid these pretentious places.
- Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all,
their mobile home costs just as much as yours.
OUT FOR THE EVENING
Sometimes you might find yourself in social settings where you don't
know anyone. Here are a few lines that have been proven effective
in breaking the ice:
- My old lady wants to get to know you.
- I bought some pearls just like those at a yard sale last weekend.
- Do I have anything stuck in my teeth?
- How long have you had that thing on your nose?
- Is that a new tattoo?
- When's your parole up?
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
- Do not allow the dog to eat at the table . . . no matter how good
his manners are.
- Be considerate of your guests. Point out in advance where the
injury threatening springs a re located on the sofa.
- Establish early in the evening what is okay to spit in and what's
not okay to spit in.
- A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by>
a taxidermist.
- Always wipe your hands before picking your teeth.
- Make your guests feel at home. Let them adjust the rabbit ears
on the TV, and make the dog give up the couch.
- If guests overstay their welcome, a friendly hint may be in
order, such as, "Ya'll are either gonna have to leave or chip in on the
rent."
DATING (Outside Of the Family)
- Shower her with compliments: "You ain't near as ugly as your
sister."
THEATER ETIQUETTE
- Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up
immediately after the movie has ended.
- Do not ask the concession stand attendant for the nacho cheese
recipe.
- Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have
proven they can't hear you.
WEDDINGS
- Kissing the bride for more than 15 seconds may get you cut.
- A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effective
but also a proven fly deterrent.
- For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a
cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance.
Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special
occasion.
- For the reception, reserve the VFW far in advance, and avoid
Saturdays since that's square dancing night.
- When going through the receiving line, it's proper to say
something nice to the bride such as, "Your baby is real cute."
- If someone asks where the bride is registered, do not answer,
"The American Kennel Club."
- Livestock usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
- Is it okay to bring a date to a wedding? Not if you are the
groom.
- How many bridal attendants should the bride have? One for each of
her kids.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
- Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is
loaded and the deer is in sight.
- When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest
tires always has the right of way.
- Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
- Never play Chinese fire drill with handicapped passengers,
especially if parked on a hill.
- When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is
impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
- Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when
driving.
- Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can
fit in.
- When traveling with your family, try to keep their "mooning" of
other drivers to a minimum.
- Remember that the median is not a passing lane.
- Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
- Don't make company sleep on dirty sheets. Give them directions
to the laundromat.
- It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
- Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first
date.
- Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's
considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
- Teach your children proper telephone etiquette. Nothing is more
embarrassing than hearing Junior say, "We ain't seen Daddy in eight
days, and Mama's too drunk to come to the phone."
- At a baby shower, never ask, "Do you have any idea who the father
is?"
- Never take a beer to a job interview.
- The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets,
especially if other people are around.
- If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
- One should tip a valet extra if he has to push or jump-start your
car.
- Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
- When leaving town for the weekend, parents should not board their
kids at the local kennel.
- At a funeral, when viewing the body, never say, "He looks so
natural like he just got drunk and passed out."
- No matter how broke you are, never take your date flowers that
were stolen from a cemetery.
- Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone else's car.
- Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.
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