"The first time is the worst," they say.
"You'll get over it," they tell me.
Inside, I cringe.
"I don't want to get over it," my mouth snaps back,
But deep within my soul, a voice says:
You're going to have to, Strong One.
So I fight, and try to let go,
But I am entangled by a thousand,
Delicate, silvery webs, memories,
In a place where struggling will only serve
To entangle me further.
So, I wait, silent and still,
For this grim irony to end,
For the conclusion to this tragic story,
For the pain to be done.
I wait for someone to tell me,
"Its over now. Your heart is whole again."
There is no one that can tell me this. I am alone.
I still love you, my heart cries out,
Reprimanded harshly by my mind, which says:
Don't think about that. Don't you dare dwell!
Oh, but it is such a beautiful place to dwell,
But so painful, as well.
And my body aches ruthlessly
For that warm familiarity,
That is so near, and yet so very far.
"I can do this," I say,
But doubts still permeate the dark recesses of my heart,
While my mind fights tirelessly to combat them with thoughts of hope.
Sometimes, they win.
Then mind, heart and soul all break down,
They crumple and fall to the floor,
Like the skin shed by some terrible animal.
I can do this.
Heart concedes to mind, for the moment.
I am strong! Soul bellows into the gale.
All are one, and one is none.
10-98
I am alone,
By myself,
In a vast opening of space.
Far from spreading cities,
Far from all the cursed technology
That is our society today.
I use no maps,
Only the stars to guide me
Through the night,
For I must walk on.
At night, I sit alone by the fire,
And listen to the wind
Blowing in the tree tops,
And hear the wolf howl,
Another outcast to the world,
Yet she belongs here,
And I am still fighting for that right.
This makes me ask of myself,
Where do I belong?
I hear dreadful sounds,
Beyond the ring of fire light,
Originating, most likely,
From the corners of my own mind,
Yet, I have no fear,
Can afford none,
For fear brings disaster, tragedy and death,
And there is no one to stop me
From falling into the gaping jaws of death,
I have only myself to take care of,
Only myself to rely on
For survival.
My life,
All yet nothing,
Everything to me,
Yet would anyone even notice
Should it cease?
I think not,
So I shall continue my lonely quest,
What I am looking for
I am not sure,
I may never know,
Even after I find it.
Maybe I am searching for solitude,
But if this is the case,
Then I already have more than I could ever need.
Maybe I am searching for truth,
But if there is truth in beauty,
Then I am already surrounded by it.
What, then, am I searching for?
Perhaps, I will never know,
And will still be searching for it
When eternity comes,
Alone.
10-9-96
There is something mystical, almost magical,
Transluscent as he floats down the stretch,
With eyes like the first twilight stars,
About a truly grey horse.
It seems to be a creature
That is caught between two worlds,
Not fully black, not fully white.
It seems as though the mists parted,
And there he stood,
Stalwart against adversity,
Strength incarnate.
Like a fast moving storm cloud,
He is only a blur as ha passes,
But yet I feel the power flowing
Through that great, strong back.
Undefined yet piercing,
Gentle yet full of fire,
He looks at me calmly from the paddock,
But I can see the bridled passion
Just beneath the calm facade,
Ready to be unleashed,
Like a lightening bolt from a grey storm cloud,
Ready to run, ready to strike, ready to win,
My Grey One.
The days are far too long,
Sadies '97
11-7-98
The nights not nearly long enough
To hold you in my arms
Forever, for that is where I would want to be...
But, the cold, heartless hands of time
Come to tear you away from me,
Away from the only place where I feel completely secure.
At this moment, I feel eternity pressing down upon me,
I hear silence calling my name.
My blood runs cold,
And I clutch at you,
As if I were trying to hold onto the very essence of you,
As if I thought that if I never let go,
You'd never have to leave.
To hold you forever...
I remember
I long, sometimes,
The long shadows of summer fall
4-12-97
Sitting silently on the shores
Of a cold mountain lake,
The reflection of the mountain
Distorted by the wind,
Leaving ripples on the water,
A brisk mountain breeze,
Blowing down the canyon.
To return to that place
That was my heart's home
So very long ago.
I long to feel warmth,
In the arms of a loved one,
Across the cold, dark water,
And I begin to shiver.
For one, brief, shining moment,
I felt at home as you reached out to me,
But fate and distance pulled us apart
And the shadows returned,
The winds picked up
And rippled the water,
Blurring the image of the mountain,
Forever.
 
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