Larry Potter (A.K.A. Dan-D-Lion) is a BMX-certified M.S.W. as well as a trained crisis therapist (graduated highest honers, THX-U in 2001). He is a self-proclaimed herbalist as well as a firm believer in healing stones and plant therapy. Dan-D-Lion has worked for the past month at Methodist hospital in Mpls., MN cleaning floors and changing sheets.

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Dear D-Lion,

I have never been so anxious as when my boyfriend broke up with me and told me he "never wanted to see my hairy legs again." I am a 24-year-old liberated woman, and I know my ways may be a little "Hippie-like" or a little "new aged," but shouldn't your boyfriend stick with you regardless of the hair on your legs? I'm all broken up and also self-conscious about my appearance, yet it is not in my character to shave off what mother earth has given me. Am I crazy or is the world (along with my ex-boyfriend)?

--Mixed Up

Dear Mixed Up, I know you want me to tell you that you are a wonderful woman and that there are plenty of wonderful women like you out there who also do not shave their legs; that there are wonderful men in the world who love you, not in spite of, but because of your liberated beliefs. I know you want me to hold you in my arms with my words and sing sweet wonderful things in your ear to make all your anxiety and self-consciousness go away. I know you want me to roll up a big doobie and give it to you saying: "This, yes this, will take all the pain away." I know you think things like these would help.

Take care,

D-lion

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Dear D-Lion,

I recently had a dream in which I had a sexual encounter with someone with Anthrax. Ok, it was Dan Rather. I'm a guy and don't think I have any homosexual tendancies, or didn't until the other night. But now I walk around not only wondering if I am attracted to men, but if perhaps my dream was also a sign that I might get Anthrax. I had my girlfriend do a Terrot reading for me and the reading basically said I would be in for a huge life-shifting change. What do you make of all of this?

--Confused

Dear Confused, I, too, once had a similar dream. I was rolling a doughnut down a hill. At the bottom of the hill there was a shoe and some dinosaur bones. Our dreams are so similar and have such a profound meaning when put together, I believe we were meant to find each other. Call me: 612-834-1092.

D-lion

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Dear D-Lion,

I know that two hot girls, an over-sized bathtub full of Jello, and me, a young, vibrant male aged 20-25, together for a night is supposed to sound like a good time to me. But for some reason I just can't get excited about it. Next Thursday is the big "date" with these two girls I know, but to tell you the truth, I would rather just sit on my couch with a beer and a dube, watch some TV, and chill all by myself. What the f#cking hell is my problem?

--Male Wasteland

Dear Male Wasteland, You may be suffering from a simple bout of sexual anxiety. You fear you will not be able to live up to the expectations you have set for yourself, and so you have subconsciously told yourself that a night like you would normally experience on a regular day is more appealing than a night with two hot women in Jello. There is a medical term for this condition: dumbassicus wussycus. Simply put, this means that you are a dumbass wussy. You are what gives males who think only with their penis a bad name. You are the type of person who will make women believe that there are some good males "out there," when actually you are not the failthful possible good husband that women will unwittingly see as a result of your behavior: you are mearly a dumbass wussy who is too chicken to jump into a bathtub full of Jello with two hot girls. If you do not go through with what you know you must do, you will likely become a priest later in life. And what a sick turn of events that will be.

D-lion

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Dear D-Lion,

Ever since Star Wars II came out, I have dreams that I am a Jedi. I even feel like a Jedi when I walk around in public. The only problem is I don't have any Jedi skills and I can't seem to make anything float through the air. 1. Am I a Jedi and 2. are there any schools that actually exist that will train me?

--Padawan

Dear Padawan, Too old you are to begin the training. A dork are you I think. Perhaps your computer you should sit in front of less. But a school there is for...your sister. Yes, a twin sister you have. Find her you must or all will be lost.

D-lion

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Dear D-Lion,

I'm an ass hole. What do ass holes do for fun?

--A-Hole

Dear A-Hole, I'm actually not sure, but I think it involves K.Y. Jelly.

D-lion

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Dear D-Lion,

These days I just don't know. I grew up on "Iron" Mike. I thought the guy was invincable. Somehow everything was right with the world when Iron Mike won another fight. Everything back then seemed simpler. Now he fights like a loser and loses. The world through my eyes seems tainted. Are we all bound to lose our immortal outlook on life? Will we all be subject to these humiliating changes and our own downfalls as we go through life? What can I do to avoid having everything and everyone I look up to spoiled?

--Disillusioned

Dear Disillusioned, You're mistaken. Mike Tyson has never lost a fight. NEVER LOST A FIGHT.

D-lion

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Dear D-Lion,

I think I just swallowed a bee. I'm swelling up and can barely breath. What should I do?

--Owie

Dear Owie, Bees, in mythology, represent freedom. So feel free to do whatever the hell you want at this point.

D-lion

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Dear D-Lion,

How do you know when the time is right to have sex with a girl? I have a crush on this girl. I'm 18 and she's 19. I know she likes me, but I'm not sure she likes me-likes me. Yesterday I called her and asked her to go out to the movies. She said no, but she may have meant yes. I base this assumption on most TV shows I've seen recently. When we do go out, do we have sex before or after the movie?

--Timing Novice

Dear Timing Novice, I suggest asking her when you see her next. A simple line like, "Do we have sex now or after the movie," is straight foreward enough that any woman will respect you after that. Women don't like mystery or romance when it comes to guys. That's a falicy created by the Disney Corporation. The quicker you can "cut to the chase," as they say, the quicker you will know what is appropriate for this girl who is likely crazy about you, based on what you've told me here. Leave the timing up to her. Women also like to know that their special guy can't make up his mind and that he needs direction. It empowers them more than you would think. Good luck, Timing Novice.

D-lion

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Dear D-Lion,

I believe I am a beautiful woman. Let me say that right off the bat. My boyfriend says he thinks I am more beautiful than any other girl he's ever seen, and I would like to believe him, but whenever we go out in public I always see his eyes follow any cute girl walking by us. I never mention it at the time, but I always try to get in a comment later so he knows I see him doing this. When I do mention it, he says I'm the girl he loves looking at. Is he blowing smoke up my a$$ or what?

--Gorgeous?

Dear Gorgeous?, You must understand something about the male human animal. The male human animal is by definition a contradiction. On one hand he is a devoted, ethical being. On the other hand, he is like a trumpeter swan, brandishing white feathers and a sweet, sweet call which can be heard for miles. This "swan," as we will call that aspect of his personality, needs a recipient to hear his trumpeting, glorious call. The only recipient that will truely qualify is a female trumpeter swan. For this receiver, he will be forever searching. Yes, I know you are saying to yourself, "I am a female trumpeter swan. If the male swan is searching for a female swan, by definition, he is searching for me." I know that's the first thing that comes to your mind after hearing this analogy. But just remember one thing: you are not a swan. I repeat, you are not a swan. You are a human. Your boyfriend is searching for a female swan. Not litterally a swan, for the swan is simply an analogy. Your goal, therefore, should be to simply enjoy his loud vocal swells. Anything more you want to know about him is moot.

D-lion

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Dear D-Lion,

Am I an idiot to think that somehow I am responsible for all the wrongs in the world? I mean, Oklahoma City, 9-11 in NY and the Pentagon, West Nile Virus, Enron scandals, O.J. Simpson, John Lennon, I could go on and on. But was it me who caused such horrible things to happen. I mean, not litterally, because I know I physically and mentally wasn't even near anyone half-way involved with any of those things. But is my bad attitude or my negative energy somehow casting evil upon the world directionlessly? Am I the personification of evil? Have I done so wrong that I am litterally a voo-doo doll of my own making, setting in motion horrible pain upon humankind?

--Bad Ju-Ju

Dear Bad Ju-Ju, That's a tough pill to swallow. Clearly there is some underlying guilt hidden deep down somewhere in your fragile psyche. Yes, Bad Ju-Ju, or should I say, Osama, guilt is only natural. Only natural.

D-lion

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Dear D-Lion,

Am I a doctor? I also claim I went to BMX Academy and the ASAP school of Psychology. Maybe I am qualified to give advise to potheads in need. Maybe I should start a column on a website that no one reads. What do you think?

--Head Shrinker Wanna Be

Dear Head Shrinker Wanna Be, Actually, I think we may have had Behavioral Theory 101 together. I didn't have a beard then though, so you might not recognize me from my picture. Actually getting a column on a web site that no one visits is much easier than you might think. I bet you would do a wonderful job. E-mail me and let me know how it turns out.

D-lion

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Dear D-Lion,

I drove the 494/694 loop around the Twin Cities for six hours yesterday. God, did I feel horrible. My girlfriend broke up with me, the dude who sells me "happiness" was out of town, and I was broke and couldn't go to the bar. What do you suggest?

--Not Coping Well

Dear Not Coping Well, When will you grow up and start a real life for yourself? Is your couch a chair or your secret lover? Do you pee in the bathroom most often, or puke there most often? What is your biggest fear in life? How is it possible you are able to send an email, but not able to maintain a relationship with probably the coolest girl you have ever been out with (I base this assumption on the fact that she broke up with you)? If the answer to any of these questions is yes, then you need real help. I'm sure you'll take the innitiative to find out where they help people like you who have problems like yours. I know there must be some place that does something like that. Stop by Kinko's -- they might know.

D-lion

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Dear D-Lion,

Thank you for your helpful letter a few months ago. You made me remember what I hate about men in general: the fact that men completely suck. Thank God I have a respectable job with a great check and great fringe benefits, because if I needed a man to complete my self esteem, I would kill myself. You, sir, (and I struggle to even write the word sir!) are what women call a b!tch. You have no heart, you have no courage or confidence, no morality, no conscience, and certainly no skill as an advise columnist. May you lead your following of loyal men into the ocean to drown like the spineless lemmings they are. We have spirm enough to make more women. Be gone, all of you.

--Ms.

Dear Ms., You are very welcome. I am just happy to confirm or foster any belief that is strongly planted inside you. I guess it's just too bad that confirmation had to come from a man. For that I appologise. You should be proud of that confidence, your beliefs, and your strong spirit. I agree that you have no need for men ever again. In fact, I would advise against ever talking to one. Your very basis of self depends on the stand you have taken, so don't go against it. If you do, you will only find dissapointment. And wouldn't that be dissapointing.

D-lion

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Dear D-Lion,

I feel like an idiot because the girl I have always wanted told me I'm an idiot. You see, there's this girl that works at the 1-hour photo lab at the Target by my house. She's not the most pretty girl in the world, or the smartest, but there's something about her that is completely awesome. And, I'll admit, I'm no prize pig myself, so I thought it would work out great between us. But it turns out I was wrong. I followed her home from work one day, just like the little lamb in that old song, and sat in the bushes outside her window for a while. But when she saw me and realized who I was after all the screaming, she opened her door, threw some raw hamburger meat at me, and called me an idiot. The sad thing is, I know she was right. I'm an idiot for ever thinking she was cool. But I still think of her. How do I get her out of my mind?

--Idiot

Dear Idiot, Why stop now? Love is like a game of chess. And in your case, you've got her king on the run. Put her in check-mate and victory will be yours. And may I suggest bishop to pawn E-6. By the way, the little lamb in the song you were referring to followed her to school. Perhaps that was your mistake. Does she go to school? If so, perhaps there are bushes outside the building in which she has her class. It wouldn't hurt to wait in them until her class is done. Perhaps she'll notice you out there and gag herself in order to create an excuse to get out of class early. And when she comes bounding out to see you...check-mate!

D-lion

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