Benzodiazepines

I am putting this here in case someone should need to know what this prescribed medication can do to you. I do not recommend taking these to anyone. They are to me, a nightmare, a curse if you will. Twenty plus years of taking as prescribed by a doctor and one summer of hell.

Twice I went through treatment for alcohol. Perhaps it saved my life. After being sober for thirteen years, the second treatment in 2013, doctors chose to take me off of clonazepam after being prescribed them for over twenty years. They took them away like you take candy from a child, cold turkey, welcome to reality. My withdrawal was brutal. Never, ever, just stop taking any Benzodiazepine. Take from my experience, the knowledge, that this is never to be done if you've taken them for any extended amount of time. I do not wish this summer of fear on anyone.

Without the proper training, any medical doctor can only guess what should be done to safely end the relationship with a benzo, in fact you could die. Please be sure your doctor has knowledge on what should and what could happen. For me, the doctor and or nurse, abruptly stopped me from taking them. Their reason being they thought I told them I only took two a day, however I was taking five a day for a very long time (prescribed by a doctor). Their negligence caused me so much pain, there were times I thought my life was ending. No one, however, wanted to believe the living nightmare I was having. Two weeks after going off the clonazepam, even though I was in treatment and under a “nurse's” care, I had to call 911 because I honestly thought I was dying. The mistake of not having a doctor come to the treatment facility I was staying at, was crucial. I am not sure if it is illegal, but the nurse who was “caring” for me, helped me only one of the four weeks I was there. She sincerely didn't care or she would have done her research instead of accusing me of being a pill junkie. I have not one kind word to say regarding her.

I called 911 as the symptoms I experienced were terrifying and cruel. My entire body went numb and walking became almost impossible. The paramedics had to help me to the ambulance as I did not trust myself walking on my own. I was in the back of the ambulance alone. I recall having to go to the bathroom urgently. Once I was in the ER, I made trip after trip to the bathroom but the nurse had to wheel me in there as I still could not walk. Everything around me seemed unreal, so unreal, I had to ask if people and things were actually there. I heard people I knew, their voices without them there. It was a game my mind was playing on me. A cruel game as I thought people had followed the ambulance to the hospital to be sure I was “okay.” A picture of a man was on the computer screen in my room at the hospital, or was there? I had to ask because I was so delusional. I started thinking I had Multiple Sclerosis due to my bizarre symptoms. Thinking that made me feel "ok" because it was at least a diagnosis. When I mentioned it to the doctor, he proceeded with every test he could think of including a spinal tap. The doctor was amazing. He listened to me and cared. After numerous tests the doctor told me he did not know what was wrong and told me I could leave. I was afraid to leave because nothing had been resolved. Right before being discharged, I asked the doctor if he could call a psychiatrist before I left. This was an after thought and I was desperate. The ER doctor did call a psychiatrist and finally there was an answer. I was taken off the klonopin too fast and needed to still be on a withdrawal med. The doctor put me on medication and I was finally able to function somewhat normally.

However some symptoms remained for quite some time. Back at the treatment facility, everything I heard was magnified one hundred times. It was like a punishment and it caused me, at times, to act out or run away from all the noise. For two weeks I couldn't read. The words were easy, the meaning nil. The work I was given in order to successfully finish the program, went undone as I struggled to just “be.” I would suddenly start sweating and it was out of control. I became so hot I thought I would pass out. So I would have to get up and leave, go change into something cooler and or sit somewhere else. I did not understand what was happening and nobody seemed to care, in fact I became a joke. I couldn't talk without being nervous and at times I would scream out words that before stayed only in my thoughts. It scared me more everyday. All I wanted was to go back to "me". I wondered where I'd gone, who was I now and would the person I remember ever come back in my head so I could live a decent life with or without meds....I just wanted to feel “normal” again. Not one person cared and that is the honest to God truth.

When I went home, the madness continued. I would speak but soon forget any words that came out. Driving anywhere was impossible as I did not trust myself. My mind was beyond doubt as my delusions took over. Too many doctors not sure what to do, caused me to be scared and made me wonder what the hell should I do. I felt like a robot, only doing what I was told. After living one month away from home in treatment, I went through another four months before I was strong enough, both body and mind, to enjoy who I was and who I was yet to become. Do not take this medication, but if you do, go off it gradually and have a doctor who has a brain and maybe some compassion to not do what was done this summer of hell to me.

A list of Benzodiazapiens or “Benzo's” click HERE.