The Criminal placed a few cards face down on the table and said, "Give me 3 million cards." They handed The Criminal a pig and then Larry said, "Gin." All the others groaned and threw down their cards. They then proceeded to take off their pants and trade them back to their original owners. Once they had received their rightful possessions, the members of the Bad Guy Gang set off to their hole in the ground. All except Larry that is.

"You cheated," Larry stated to The Criminal

"Want some corn syrup?" The Criminal responded.

"Where’s my leg?" asked Larry.

"I have a new couch," some bird yelled in the distance.

"Does Santa Claus exist?" Larry pondered out loud.

"Don’t forget to drink your cabbage juice!" The Criminal reminded Larry.

"Which came first, George Washington or cherry pie?" said Darrel.

"I did not cheat!" The Criminal realigned himself with the actual topic at hand.

The Criminal did not like the fact that Larry accused him of cheating, so he told him to leave.

"But this is your house, why should I have to leave?" Larry pointed out.

"You’re right, I’m leaving," The Criminal closed the door behind him. A giant nose came through the window, rolled over to the door which The Criminal had just dismissed himself through, opened it, closed it, then went back out the window again. Larry shrugged his shoulders and sloped down on his couch to watch some TV.

It was around midnight when The Criminal came to Will Tundwith’s bathroom. He did some jumping jacks, stole (and put on) some make-up, stole Will’s commode, bathtub, the sink, a horse, some liquid salt, a baseball, some jewelry, a pair of glasses, and some lemonade.

He drank the lemonade, Ed the first assistant narrator stated.

Thank you Ed. That’s Ed, he is training to be a narrator so every once and a while he’ll be narrating for me. Suddenly an idea struck The Criminal; if he were to sell toothbrushes for 19 gold teeth a piece, he would ring up a cool dollar by the turn of the century!

Did I mention he drank the Lemonade? Ed pointed out. Well he did, I saw him drink it.

Thanks again Ed. So the next morning, The Criminal put up billboards and other various opportunistic ways of advertising his toothbrushes. The signs would read: "Do you have toenail fungus? Would you like to have toenail fungus? Did you know you may have toenail fungus and not even know it! Call 1-800-buy a cheap worthless worn out toothbrush and you can solve all of your problems!" or "Why did the salamander throw the banana at the giraffe? Because the paper bag couldn’t find his contacts! Call 1-800-buy a cheap worthless worn out toothbrush and this won’t happen to you!" As The Criminal continued to bask in his excitement, he remembered he had an appointment with his vet.

Once The Criminal decisively reached the moon, the site of the veterinarian’s office, the first thing he detected was a carrot saying the alphabet backwards to himself. After an extensive amount of time had passed, the veterinarian finally appeared and a little dust bunny, obviously his previous patient, scampered away crying.

Did I forget to mention he drank the lemonade? Ed butted in.

Ah, good job Ed, you can stop now. Thank you.

"The Criminal," announced the vet to the waiting room, "Mister The Criminal Of The Story Shopping-Cartsville?"

"That’s me!" shouted the microscope as he festively strutted over to the vet, suspiciously surveying the others.

"Stop!" a carpet said as it bent one of it’s tassels in The Criminals general direction, "The microscope lies! That man over there, he is The Criminal!"

"Are you honestly The Criminal Of The Story Shopping-Cartsville?" the vet asked the microscope, disregarding the carpet.

"Yes, yes I am!" The microscope lied merrily.

"This way," the vet said in his usual monotone voice while leading the microscope down the corridor.

The Criminal didn’t say anything in his defense, but instead kept quiet. He was just brought up that way I guess. So, since he obviously wasn’t going to get his appointment today, he went back home to admire his embezzled nuclear tree. After pondering the tree and it’s origins, he continued on to marvel at his colossal stolen-sock collection. The Criminal decided to…hey! Hold on here! He’s got my sock!!! I’ll just take that back! Ah! It feels nice to have 6 socks on again! OK, back to the story. Where was I? Oh well, I’ll just have to make something up I guess. Suddenly, The Criminal’s door was pummeled down and a team of s.w.a.t. members barged in. They scattered about the house and nabbed The Criminal! He was then drug to a dank jail cell and he was locked up for life! Wouldn’t we all like that! Anyway, here’s what really happened.

The Criminal returned to his house and Earl McMahon notified him that he had just won the Editor’s Clearing House sweepstakes, but The Criminal simply ignored him and went back to work on his master plan to take over the world. Oh, OOPS! I mean, his master plan to sell toothbrushes.

Someone gently tapped on The Criminal’s door, and when he answered it, The Criminal suddenly broke out and began to tell this person, whoever it was, about his snail collection.

"Well, see, one’s green, one’s orange, one has a twisty shell, one…" but before The Criminal could finish telling this solicitor about his collection, this person ran away screaming. The Criminal was obsessed with his collection of snails and when someone wouldn’t let him finish telling them about his collection, he would seek immediate revenge! So The Criminal started chasing after the screaming salesman.

"Wait! You didn’t let me finish telling you about my snails! Come back here!" The Criminal was becoming enraged.

The Criminal gained on this person, mugged him down, and ultimately got a chance to tell him about his snail collection.

I’m tellin’ ya! He drank the lemonade! Ah forget it, I’m going home, Ed stated.

Bye Ed! Where was I? Ah, yes, the moral of this chapter. Well I think the moral behind this little tale was an obvious one, but since I have to spell everything out for you (get it? Spell everything out for you! Because I have to spell everything out in order to turn them into words that you read and thus creates a sentence and…never mind. I guess that was just a little author/narrator humor.) the moral was that stealing beans from a library just doesn’t pay off. You play with fire, and you’re going to get caught! Or something...

He drank it, the…fine. Thought I’d try one last time before my llama arrives. I’ve got to go, oh, who am I talking to? No one cares, Ed mounted his llama with lacked enthusiasm.

Poor Ed. Oh well, who cares. Anyway, this was probably the most confusing chapter in the whole book. If you survived this, the rest of the book should be a breeze (and if you didn’t survive this, how are you reading this?)

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