So, there was this Englishman, this Gallifreyan, and this Scotsman, right, and they were discussing what their aunts would make them for Christmas.

 "My aunt loves knitting," said the Englishman. "I'll probably get another jumper two sizes too big."

 "Aye," said the Scotsman, "my aunt loves knitting too. I'll probably get another tasteless kilt."

 The Gallifreyan nodded and - get this - said, "My aunt loves knitting too. I'll probably get another cousin."

 Ha ha ha! Cracks me up every time...

 *Sorry*. Face it, Ace, if he dies then you're up Creek Street without a paddle.

 Who's the bastard who shot him then? You'd like to know, wouldn't you? Whoever he is, he's got a big gun pointed at your pretty young face. What are you going to do about that then?

 #It's astounding, time is weaving, entropy takes its toll
but read this clearly
(Not for very much longer)
I've got to keep control.
I remember Looming the Time Tots
I recall those moments when
The vortex would open
And the Time Lords would tell me
Let's Loom some Time Tots again.
Let's Loom some Time Tots again.#

 The little man sighs and leads the way out of the TARDIS, back to the Real World...

 And onto a sandy plain. You shield your eyes from the dusty wind but feel small bits of sand embedding themselves in your beard.

 "Kallintura," the Doctor says.

 "Ah," you say, calling on those Ancient History classes, themselves now ancient history, "Zalaxal's planet of origin."

 "Or as close as he has to one." The Doctor points to a structure in the distance. "This way."

 None of them understand, do they, Zal? Can I call you Zal? Oh, sorry.

 None of them understand, do they, Zalaxal? So what is it with you - *are* you mad?

 No, you're not talking to yourself, don't worry. I'm just the narrative.

 So, tell me about your mother. Oh, but you didn't have a mother, did you? Bad start.

 The figure with the gun grins his black teeth. "He must die. Zalaxal must not be free."

 You find the figure repulsive and you want to hurt it, hurt it right now and make it pay for shooting the Doctor. But you can't hear the Doctor breathing and the Milk Tray Mutant there has the gun.

 You bend down to tend the Doctor's wounds, to see if he'll be OK. Might regenerate.

 "Leave him," the stranger insists. It's voice isn't nice at all, which fits.

 "*You* leave him, ratbag."

 The stranger pushes you away from the Doctor with the barrel of the shotgun. You don't know what to do. Do you try and fight the monster off?

 It's just a stitch on the left
#And a purl on the right#
With the Loom fully charged
#You pull the atoms tight
But it's the reproduction
That stops the Time Lords' wane
Let's Loom some Time Tots again.
Let's Loom some Time Tots again.#

 You'll destroy them all for this. They dare to ignore you. They dare to ignore Zalaxal!

 Of course, it wasn't always like this. Once you even got along with them. But over time - over centuries - things change. You realised that they were all deluded fools who would waste away without your input.

 You were right, of course, but they were *so* ungrateful.

 *Later Flashback with Zalaxal*

 You watch the Doctor on the viewscreen, see what a fool he is. With the power of time travel, perhaps you could save the others from wasting away. Then you'd get the chance to destroy them yourself.

 But you know that History won't allow it, so you'll just have to sit back and wait for the Doctor to find you. Then you can destroy everyone else. Then create something new, if you want.

 "What's the matter?" you ask.

 The Doctor inhales through his gritted teeth. "The time co-ordinates," he replies, holding is umbrella as well as he can by its warped handle and protecting you both from at least some of the sand. "I don't think we've arrived here after I left."

 Relatively speaking, you think privately. "How can you tell?"

 The Doctor uses his free hand to wave towards the structures you're walking towards. "Those buildings had been heavily eroded when I was here earlier. They looked millennia old."

 "But now," you finish, "the erosion is much less."

 "Mmm," says the Doctor. "I wonder if anyone's home."

 "Who are you?" you demand to know.

 The figure in black gives a little bow - though not enough to lend him prone to attack. "My name is Imprexa."

 Yes, you've heard that name before. The one that ordered your death, according to Spear Woman.

 "That's a really girly name," you bluster. That's the best insult you can come up with right now.

 Imprexa grins that horrid grin. "I used to be a girl."

 You're about to say something suitably flippant and/or scathing when Imprexa looks down at the Doctor.

 "Ah, good," she says. "He's dead."

 Horrified, you kneel buy the Doctor's body. You check his pulses. You wait for something magical to happen, for his body to renew itself.

 Nothing.

 You blow your top.

 #It so easy.
Oh, Gallifrey, free me
So you might see me
And be enthralled.
In another dimension
With voyeuristic intention
Well secluded, I saw all.#
#With you tentacles unfurled
You find yourself in the Real World
And nothing can ever be the same
'Cos no-one attacks a
Entire race of Zalaxa
Let's Loom some Time Tots again.
Let's Loom some Time Tots again.#

 "You're worried, aren't you?"

 Rodan scowls. "Of course I'm worried! For a start, I'm not happy about dematerialising Gallifrey. When the President gets back from holiday, I'll probably lose my job. Except the President won't actually be able to find Gallifrey in order to return home in the first place! It's typical of the President to be away at a time like this."

 "They do say we have perfect timing, Chancellor."

 "Who?"

 "Time Lords." You realise that you are not helping her mood. "Sorry."

 She continues as she paces anxiously around her office. "We must hope that we can dismantle the transduction barriers before we are crushed."

 You nod solemnly and wish you had a time capsule hidden away somewhere. Not that you didn't used to have one, but you wish it was still there...

 "Do we knock?" you ask, not altogether seriously.

 "No," the Doctor replies, pressing a button set in the wall beside the door, "we ring the bell."

 From somewhere inside the building echoes the faint sound of reverberating metal - presumably the bell.

 "There's somebody at the door."

 Side by side, you and the Doctor enter.

 #It's just a stitch on the left
And a purl on the right
With the Loom fully charged
You pull the atoms tight
But it's the reproduction
That stops the Time Lords' wane
Let's Loom some Time Tots again.
Let's Loom some Time Tots again.#

 TO BE CONTINUED...

 [You acknowledge Richard O'Brien's source material and those companies with copyrights to it and note that no infringements of said copyrights is intended.]