Yes, that's right, I had to give another speech today. I won't bore you with the details. Instead I'll bore you with some of the inner workings of my brain on speech days. I don't know exactly what it is, but since I've been up here at st cloud I have lost all of my public speech ability. I believe it to be some form of natural chemical imbalance in my brain. Let me try and explain.
This morning I skipped aviation because I woke up late. I picked up the paper and began to read a story that, oddly enough, only made page two of the star trib. It was a story about the 924 victims of the Ugandan doomsday cult. In case you don't know the story I'll try to recap it for you. The cult believed that the world was going to end Dec. 31, 2000. When it didn't some of the people who had surrendered all their earthly belongings started to say that they wanted their shit back. Anyone who inquired about their belongings was killed by one of the sect leaders who wanted to keep their shit (stabbed, strangled, and boarded up in churches that were set ablaze). Things got a little out of hand, next thing you know, they're digging up mass graves all across the country.
Back to the point. The Associated Press called it "the deadliest cult tragedy in cult history." I began to think "hey, I can beat that." I had to go to my car (which is parked about three quarters of a mile away) to get some things for my speech. As I sat on the bus I began showing people the article and asking them to join my cult. I told them I was going to call it the Diabolic Malevolent Criminals Masquerading as Holy and Religious People, or the DMC MAHARP. Many students only opened their eyes long enough to give me a get the hell away from me look, while still others seemed very excited about the idea. I told them that on May 5, 2000 all the planets would align with the sun. This would give the earth itself gravity for a short period of time. Since the heaviest parts of the earth are the polar caps (I'm not sure which one) the earth would straighten itself out and no longer be tilted on its axis. When this happens all tectonic plates would shift creating simultaneous volcano's and earthquakes all around the world. The 5-10 percent of us that survived would slowly drown as the polar caps melt. After the first few people I decided just to tell them about the world ending and my cult and leave out the part about it all being bullshit and me eventually killing them off so that I can keep all their crap.
When I finally got to the parking lot I noticed a guy standing out in the freezing cold at 9 o'clock in the morning working on his car. I feigned interest in his problem and when the moment was right I gave him my pitch. He politely explained that he had no time to deal with retards at this time. Damn. Shot down. I should have printed up fliers. This is much harder than I thought. As I walked towards my car I noticed two cars that both had flat tires. Luckily neither was mine. It did make me think though. I understand that they don't think it's important enough to actually pave this lot, I mean, after all, anyone who is stupid enough to pay $50 just so that they can spend an hour each day just getting back and forth from their car doesn't deserve full tires or clean floor mats. The least they could do is put some of those free air machines out there so we're not totally fucked. And maybe they could put up a phone booth with the numbers of some cheap mechanics or something. Ooh, and maybe they could even charge some of these mechanics to advertise there since a number of us have shitty cars that are in need of daily repair, and use that money to lower the cost of parking so that we can actually afford those mechanics.
The next thing I remember is standing in front of a class full of people wondering exactly what my speech was on anyway. I had to tell them to hold on a minute while I go through my notebook and see just what the hell I'm doing up here anyway. Afterwards Jen came up to me and told me that it was a good speech. Haha, they bought it.
(a letter to Lisa)