Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer.
They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but all three engineers cramed into a restroom and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please." The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on.
The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decided to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" said one perplexed accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer.
When they boarded the train, the three accountants cramed into a restroom and the three engineers cramed into another nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."
A programmer and an Engineer play a game...
A computer programmer and an engineer are sitting next to each other on an airplane. The programmer leans over to the engineer and asks if he wants to play a fun game. The engineer just wants to sleep, so he politely declines, turns away, and tries to sleep. The programmer persists, saying that it's a real easy game. He explains, "I ask a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5." Again, the engineer politely declines and tries to sleep.
The programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "O.K., if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5; and if I don't know the answer, I pay you $50!" That gets the engineer's attention, so he agrees to play the game.
The programmer asks the first questions. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The engineer doesn't say a word, and just hands the programmer $5.
Now it's the engineer's turn. He asks the programmer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four?" The programmer looks at him with a puzzled expression, takes out his laptop computer, looks through all his references, and after about an hour wakes the engineer and hands the engineer $50. The engineer politely takes the $50, turns away, and tries to return to sleep.
The programmer, a little miffed, asks, "Well, what's the answer to the question?" Without a word, the engineer reaches into his wallet, hands $5 to the programmer, turns away, and returns to sleep.
An Engineering Student, a Physics Student, and a Mathematics student were each given $150 dollars and were told to use that money to find out exactly how tall a particular hotel was.
All three ran off, extremely keen on how to do this. The Physics student went out, purchased some stopwatches, a number of ball bearings, a calculator, and got some friends. He had them all time the drop of ball bearings from the roof, and he then figured out the height from the time it took for the bearings to accelerate from rest until they impacted with the sidewalk.
The Math student waited until the sun was going down, then she took out her protractor, plumb line, measuring tape,and scratch pad, measured the length of the shadow, found the angle the buildings roof made from the ground, and used trignometry to figure out the height of the building.
These two students bumped into the Engineering student the next day, who was nursing a really bad hangover. When asked what he did to find the height of the building he replied: "Well, I walked up to the bell hop, gave him 10 bucks, asked him how tall the hotel was, and hit the bar inside for happy hour!"
Now there were those three guys, a priest, a doctor and an engineer, and they were playing golf. But the group before them was extremely slow and at each hole they waited hours.
Finally the priest asked around, why was that other group was so slow? He was told that they were very courageous firemen who saved the golf course a couple of years ago from a terrible fire, in which they all lost their sight. As a proof of appreciation they were given the right to play on the course whenever they wanted. They like that a lot, but being blind they are just not too good at hitting the ball, let alone finding it after it's hit.
The priest said, "Oh my this is terrible. Tonight I'll say a little prayer for these courageous souls."
The doctor heard that and said "Don't worry dude. I'll send them to a friend of mine, he's an ophtalmologist and he works wonders."
The engineer said "Wait. Why can't they just play by night ?"
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all mechanical things. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.
Several years later his company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.
The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day he marked a small X in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where your problem is!" The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.
The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his services. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly:
One chalk mark .. ..... ..... $1 Knowing where to put it ..... $49,999
Difference between ME's and CE's
Q: What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
A: Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer. You're in the wrong place, fella."
So the engineer disappointedly reports to the gates of Hell wondering what he had done to deserve this. Pretty soon, having accepted his fate, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan up on His telepathic connection and asks, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next. We're having a wonderful time."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gotten down there. Send him up here."
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
Chorus: We are, we are, we are, we are the Engineers We can, we can, we can, we can demolish forty beers. Drink rum, drink rum, drink rum, drink rum and come along with us, For we don't give a damn for any damn man/woman who don't give a damn for us.
Women’s version: We are, we are, we are, we are the women engineers We can, we can, we can, we can drink twice as many beers Drink rum, drink rum, drink rum, drink rum and come along with us For we don’t give a damn for any damn man who can’t get it up for us!
Verses:
Godiva was a lady who through Coventry did ride To show to all the villagers her lovely bare white hide; The most observant villager, an Engineer of course, Was the only one to notice that Godiva rode a horse.
I've come a long, long way she said, and I will go as far, With the man who takes me from this horse and leads me to the bar. The men who took her from her steed and stood her to a beer, Were a bleary-eyed Surveyor and a drunken Engineer.
A maiden and an Engineer were sitting in a park The Engineer was busy doing research after dark, His scientific method was a marvel to observe, While his right hand write the figures, his left hand traced the curves.
My father was a miner in the northern Malamute, My mother was a mistress of a house of ill repute, The last time I saw the both, these words rang in my ears- Get out of here you s.o.b. and join the Engineers.
The army and the navy boy swent out to have some fun Down to the local tavern where the fiery liquors run; But all they found were empties for the Engineers had come And traded all their instruments for gallon kegs of rum.
Caesar set out for Egypt at the age of fifty-three He hung about with Cleopatra whose heart was young and free And every time that Caesar said "goodnight" at three o'clock There was a roman Engineer waiting just around the block
On reading Kama Sutra, a man learned position nine For proving masculinity it surely was divine But then one night the girl rebelled and kicked him on his rear For he was a feeble artsie and she was an Engineer
Sir Francis Drake and all his ships set out for Calais Bay, They heard the Spanish rum fleet was heading out that way. But the Engineers had beat them by a night and half a day And although as drunk as hooligans, you still could hear them say...
An artsie and an Engineer found a gallon can. Said the artise, "Match me drink for drink and see if you're a man." They took three drinks, the artsie fell, his face was turning green; But the Engineer drank on and said, "It's only gasoline."
Venus is a statue made entirely of stone, She didn't wear a fig leaf, she was naked as a bone. On noticing her arms were gone, an Engineer discoursed, "The darned thing's busted concrete and should've been reinforced!"
My uncle is a lunatic who lives on the dole My sister was a prostitute but now she's on parole My brother owns a restaurant with bedrooms in the rear But none of them will talk to me 'cause I'm an Engineer
Most people think Mulroney was a great big SOB, He’s remembered as the man who gave us GST. If he hadn’t quit, he would have been thrown out on his ear, But I would have called him king if he were an Engineer.
Elvis was the undisputed king of rock and roll, But years of song and women surely took their toll. Then one night the time was right, he knew the end was near, He faked his death to join with us, and become an Engineer.
(alternate) Elvis as we all know is the king of rock and roll, But all those years of drug abuse, they finally took their toll. He loved to eat his pork rinds and he loved to drink his beer, So he faked his death and joined us all, now he’s an Engineer.
So now you've heard out story and you know we're Engineers. We love to love our men/women and we love to drink our beers. So come and have a sip with us, we'll drink to anyone from far and near 'Coz we're a helluva helluva helluva helluva helluva ENGINEER!!!
There is a glass half full of water. The mathematician says: "The glass is half full" The physicist says: "The glass is half empty" The Engineer says: "The glass is too big"
There is a half glass of scotch on a table. The Arts student says that it symbolizes unfulfilled emotions. The Science student starts calculating the exact percentage full. The Engineering student goes up to the glass, drinks the scotch and asks, "What's the question?"
Top 10 reasons to date an Engineer
1.The world does revolve around them... they choose the coordinate system
2.No "couple" enjoy a better "moment"
3.They know how to handle stress and strain in a relationship
4.They have significant figures
5.The motion of rigid bodies
6.Projectile motion: Do we need to say more?
7.Engineers do it to specification
8.According to Newton, if two bodies interact, their forces are equal and opposite
9.They know it's not the length of the vector that counts, but how you apply the force
10.They know the right hand rule
Ten More Reasons to Date an Engineer
1.Complimentary Tutoring
2.Large Earning Potential
3.Can handle stress and strain in relationships
4.Know all the dynamics of relative motion
5.Learn about the benefits of friction and viscosity
6.FREE body diagrams
7.Always back up their hard drives
8.Trained to do it right the first time
9.Specialized in experimentation
10.Can go all night with no hint of fatigue
Back in the 60's, a jet manufacturer was trying to build a jet that would go mach 4 (4 times the speed of sound for you non-aeronautical types). Finally after many years of design, the jet was finished. A test pilot took it out for it's maiden flight. Everyone gathered around ... and the plane went to Mach1 ... Mach2 ... Mach3 ... Mach3.5 ... and the wings ripped off, the plan hit the ground and killed the test pilot.
The engineers went back to the design and spent months re-vamping it. They came out with the new and improved second version, but when they tested it, it had the same disastrous results: the plane's wings ripped off and the pilot was killed in the crash. The engineers went through 7 iterations, until finally they were about to give up.
They decided to contact Bob, a retired engineer with the reputation of being able to fix all problems.
Bob comes in, asks to see all the design figures, charts, and drawings, and takes them home to study them. He calls the next day and says he has discovered a solution to the problem: drill holes vertically through the wings at the exact spot where they attach to the body. At first everyone argues - the wings are ripping off now, why drill holes to them? but Bob insists that it will work. So eventually, they give in and do it.
The jet is tested later that day and not only does it reach Mach4, but it goes to Mach5.3 before the test is declared over and successful. All the engineers rush to Bob and congratulate him for his uncanny ability to discover the solution. "How did you know?" asks one of the engineers. "Well, I'll tell you. I was on the toilet, and it occurred to me - toilet paper never tears on the perforations."
An electrical engineer, a mechanical engineer and a civil engineer are travelling on a train together. They are debating which type of engineer designed the human body - the mechanical engineer says "it really must have been a mechanical engineer. Look at the joints and the bone structures." The electrical engineer replies "Rubbish! It has to be an electrical engineer - look at the nervous system". The civil engineer smiles and says "yes, but who other than a civil engineer would put the sewage works through the main area of recreation?"
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me. Can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man below says, "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude."
"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist. "I am," replies the man. "How did you know?" "Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."
The man below says, "You must be a manager." "I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," says the man below, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault.
A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll have an AutoCAD monkey please."
The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fitted a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, "That'll be $5000."
The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.
Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only few hundred dollars. Why did that one cost so much?"
The Shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can draw in AutoCAD - very fast, clear layouts, no mistakes, well worth the money."
The tourist looked at a monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive! $10, 000! What does it do? Oh, that one's a Design monkey; it can design systems, layout projects, mark-up drawings, write specifications, some even calculate. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper.
The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in its own cage. The price tag around its neck read $50,000.
He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?"
The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but it says it's an Engineer."
Engineers on a Bus **New!**
Three engineers got on a crowded lunchtime bus. They somehow worked their way to the middle of the bus where they found three girls willing to exchange their seats for a place on the guys' laps.
After they got settled and had ridden that way for a while, the first girl suddenly asked the gentleman under her whether he might be an electrical engineer.
Surprised, he replied, "Yes, I am! How did you know?" "Easy," she said. "I'm getting shocked by your soldering iron."
Just a few minutes later, the second girl asked her guy, "Are you a mechanical engineer?"
He said, "Why, yes, ma'am. How did you know that?" "Simple," she said, "Your piston is scraping my cylinder."
Shortly thereafter, the third girl turned to her fellow and asked, "Are you a civil engineer?" "I certainly am," he answered. "How could you have known that?"
"Well," she said, "I figured it out as soon as your dam burst and flooded my village."
Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.
The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."
The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."
The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded."
The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their butts are interchangeable."
Fifth surgeon said, "I like Engineers. They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end."
The Top 12 Things You Don't Want To Hear From Tech Support
12.) "Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?"
11.) "...that's right, not even McGyver could fix it."
10.) "So...what are you wearing?"
9.) "Duuuuude! Bummer!"
8.) "Looks like you're gonna need some new dilythium crystals, Cap'n."
7.) "Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you're with 60 Minutes. Press 3 if you're with the FTC."
6.) "We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape and a car battery."
5.) "I'm sorry Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that."
4.) "In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect."
3.) "Hold on a second...Mom! Timmy's hitting me!"
2.) "Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of Dianetics."
and the Number 1 Thing You Don't Want To Hear From Tech Support...
1.) "Please hold for Mr. Gates' attorney."
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A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City." Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years." Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." "Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?" "Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."
An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.
Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before.
When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
DEAREST WIFE: JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW.
P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE
A man decided to skip Mass one Sunday and head to the hills to do some bear hunting. As he rounded the corner on a perilous twist in the trail, he and a bear collided, sending him and his rifle tumbling down the mountainside. Before he knew it, his rifle went one way and he went the other, landing on a rock and breaking both his legs. That was the good news. The bad news was the ferocious bear charging at him from a distance, and he couldn't move. "Oh, Lord," the man prayed, "I'm so sorry for skipping Mass today to come out here and hunt. Please forgive me and grant me just one wish . . . Please make a Christian out of that bear that's coming at me. Please, Lord!" That very instant, the bear skidded to a halt, fell to its knees, clasped its paws together and began to pray aloud right at the man's feet. "Dear God" the bear said, "Bless this food I am about to receive."
A four year old spilled his cola on the rug and wanted to clean up the mess himself. So his mother told him that the mop was just outside the back door. Quickly, he ran to the door, but realized that it had become dark outside. Suddenly scared, he told his mother what the problem was. Assuring him, she told him that Jesus is everywhere, even in dark places, and that he'll always protect him. This put a smile on his face! So, he opened the door just enough to poke his head outside and called out "Jesus, if you're out there, could you pass me the mop?"
A man was blissfully driving along the highway when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place. Chocolate, too. The driver, being a sensitive man - as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colourful bunny was dead. The driver felt guilty and began to cry. A woman driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed him. There may not be an Easter because of me. What should I do?" The woman told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car booth and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead bunny and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal. Miraculously the Easter Bunny came back to life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and chocolate, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. Fifty yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved, and hopped on down the road another fifty yards, turned around, waved, hopped another fifty yards, turned around, and waved again!!! The man was astonished. He said to the woman, "What in heaven's name is in your spray can?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said, "Hair Spray: Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."
Isaac Asimov, familiar to many as a noted scientist and author, once told a hilarious story about a Rabbi Feldman who was having trouble with his congregation. It seemed they could agree upon nothing. The president of the congregation said, "Rabbi, this cannot be allowed to continue. Come, there must be a conference, and we must settle all areas of dispute once and for all." The rabbi agreed. At the appointed time, therefore, the rabbi, the president, and ten elders met in the conference room of the synagogue, sitting about a magnificent mahogany table. One by one the issues were dealt with and on each issue, it became more and more apparent that the rabbi was a lonely voice in the wilderness. The president of the synagogue said, "Come, Rabbi, enough of this. Let us vote and allow the majority to rule." He passed out the slips of paper and each man made his mark. The slips were collected and the president said, "You may examine them, Rabbi. It is eleven to one against you. We have the majority." Whereupon the rabbi rose to his feet in offended majesty. "So," he said, "you now think because of the vote that you are right and I am wrong. Well, that is not so. I stand here" --and he raised his arms impressively-- "and call upon the Holy One of Israel to give us a sign that I am right and you are wrong." And as he said this, there came a frightful crack of thunder and a brilliant flash of lightning that struck the mahogany table and cracked it in two. The room was filled with smoke and fumes, and the president and the elders were hurled to the floor. Through the carnage, the rabbi remained erect and untouched, his eyes flashing and a grim smile on his face. Slowly, the president lifted himself above what was left of the table. His hair was singed, his glasses were hanging from one ear, his clothing was in disarray. Finally he said, "All right, eleven to two. But we still have the majority."
Noah was taking the animals into the ark in pairs as he had been commanded by God. He took in elephants, giraffes, cows, bears, monkeys and all the animals. Finally he tried to take in a donkey. He told the donkey to go in but the donkey would not go in. He tried pushing the donkey in but the donkey would not move. He tried pulling the donkey in but the donkey would not move. As he was getting exasperated he said to the donkey, "Get in you devil". Eventually after many more attempts he succeeded in enticing the donkey into the ark. However when Noah was inside in the ark he also noticed that there was a devil in the ark. He asked the devil how did you get in here and he replied, "You told me to get in". This shows that when we are angry we say all sorts of things that we are sorry for afterwards.
A couple was having some trouble agreeing so they did the right thing, they went to a marriage counsellor. After a few visits, and a lot of questioning and listening, the counsellor said he had discovered the main problem. He stood up, went over to the woman and asked her to stand up, and he gave her a hug. He looked at her husband and said, “This is what your wife needs, at least once a day!” The man frowned, thought for a moment, and then said, “OK. What time would you like me to bring her back to you tomorrow for her hug?”
When a marriage works, the love of husband and wife for each other is so beautiful that God describes his love for as like the love of a husband for a wife. In our first reading, God speaking through the prophet Hosea, spoke of Israel as his wife. Unfortunately Israel, the wife, had forgotten about her husband God. That is something that could also happen in a Celtic Tiger economy. So how is God going to get his wife, Israel, to love him again. When a disaster strikes, when a cross comes, when plans are all upset, only then will she be able to see the love of God her husband for her. God says through Hosea:
I am going to lure her And lead her out into the wilderness And speak to her heart. Then she will respond to me as she did when she was young.
Although Hosea says God will lure Israel out into the desert, God does not inflict suffering on us. Suffering comes because of the events of life, and in those moments we are more open to God. Isn’t it true to say that people pray more when they are in trouble than when everything is going well? So when we are lured out into the desert of suffering, God speaks to our heart, and the message he had for Israel through Hosea is beautiful, “I will betroth you to myself for ever”.
When Jesus came, it was a wedding. God married the human race. Jesus describes himself in our Gospel as the groom during the wedding festivities. During a wedding nobody fasts but every body eats well. While Jesus was alive, it was a long wedding, and that was not a time for fasting,
“Surely the bridegroom’s attendants would never think of fasting while the bridegroom is still with them?”
What does this mean for you and me? Can you imagine God or Jesus as your spouse? Whenever I officiate at a marriage I explain to the couple beforehand that it is not just the two of them who are getting married, but that because their marriage in the Church is a sacrament Jesus is also uniting himself specially with them. Normally the couple uses three candles, two candles to symbolize each of them which are lit at the beginning of the wedding Mass, and after they exchange their vows, they light the third candle and extinguish the other two to symbolize that they are now one. I give couples the option to see the symbolism of the candles in a different way, the two outer candles still symbolize themselves but the candle in the middle represents Jesus and that candle is lit after they exchange their vows and all three candles remain lighting until the end of the Mass. They like the that symbolism, showing that not only did they marry each other but because their marriage is a sacrament, Jesus also married them on their wedding day. Most couples that I marry choose that option.
What about the rest of us? Jesus is married, so to speak, to each of us, since the day we were baptised. Each of us had a very beautiful wedding ceremony with Jesus on the day we made our first Holy Communion. One of the things the Bible says about marriage is “They are no longer two but one”. That happens to us each time we receive Jesus in Holy Communion. We are no longer two but one, Jesus and you are one. Don’t waste that most intimate moment with Jesus your spouse. When you return to your seat spend several minutes in love with Jesus. You are no longer two but one. Jesus the groom, and you, are one.
Jesus we thank you that you married the human race by being born as one of us. You showed how much you loved us when you died for us. We thank you that we become aware of being one with you on special occasions, and during each Mass. When we receive you today in Holy Communion, let us know how much you love us. May we become one with you today, like never before. May we always remain in your love and may your love heal all the hurts of our lives.
Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. Finally God said, “Cool it! I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job.”
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mails. They sent out e-mails with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. But ten minutes before their time was up, lightening suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder clapped, the rain poured and of course, the electricity went off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically and screamed, “It’s gone! It’s all gone! I lost everything when the power went off!”
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of diligent work. Satan observed this and became irate. “Wait! He cheated! How did he do it?”
God shrugged and said, “Jesus saves.”
A man who was lost stumbled across a Baptism service on a Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeded to stumble down into the water and stand next to the Minister. The Minister turned, noticed the man and said, “Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?” The man looked back and said, “Yes sir, I am.” The Minister then dunked the fellow under the water and pulled him right back up. “Have you found Jesus?” the Minister asked. “No, I didn’t!” said the man. The Minister then dunked him under for a quite a bit longer, brought him up and said, “Now brother, have you found Jesus?” “No, I did not!” said the man again. Disgusted, the Minister held the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brought him up and demanded, “For the grace of God, have you found Jesus yet?” The man wiped his eyes and pleaded, “Are you sure this is where he fell in?”
