When you are dating, there are a few topics that need to be discussed.
Please read the previous article “Is dating scriptural”, if you would like to see what my idea of Biblical dating is like.
The whole reason for dating, in my opinion is to find out enough about the other person, to see if they would make a good spouse. If that is not your reason for dating, then read no further. Frankly I believe it is totally unscriptural to date “just to have fun or a good time”. Of course, a group of people can go out together and have fun.
In order to find out enough about a potential spouse, you must spend time with that person (in a safe environment), and view firsthand how that person reacts, or doesn’t, to certain circumstances and events. The reason that I highly recommend that this should be done in a safe environment, which I define as being surrounded by family, friends or both, is because I have found to be the case among even the most intelligent of my friends, a foolishness comes on a person when they think they are in love. Essentially, their brains fly out the window, and return only after the honeymoon, which of course is too late to undo what was done.
These people must be protected from themselves at this critical stage in life. I do believe that ultimately only the person themselves can really know what they want, what they are comfortable with, and what they expect from a potential spouse. So I am not saying that other people should choose our mates for us. But we do need counsel.
The problem that I see with traditional dating is that the couple is by themselves most of the time, and while they may discuss many issues and see each other in many settings and environments (which is good). They both are under a cloud of dilution. They see everything through rose colored glasses, and fail to notice the very things that should send up red flags of warning.
Now, lets say that most of the time the couple is surrounded by family or friends (I think it should be a group, to get more opinions), then even if the couple fails to see the red flags of warning, other people will see them and warn the couple. These people should be, like I said, family or friends of both the man and the woman, and be protective of both of them. They should be people that can be respected and make the couple feel comfortable.
Don’t under-estimate the importance of children in this process. Children pick up on a lot of things that adults never notice. And I find that children are seldom wrong, when they don’t’ like someone, they may not be able to tell you why, but you can be sure that its something you should take seriously. Especially, if they feel jealous of your date, that is something you need to deal with (in love) before it gets out of hand. Also, your pet’s reactions are of importance.
I understand that there are a lot of people who don’t have any family or friends, this is really too bad. Maybe we could start a chaperoning service of 2-6 people that would go on dates with couples and give godly counsel and advice. Or special places could be built that would be conducive to this sort of thing, or maybe in churches.
I got kind of side-tracked though; I meant to give you specific dating topics. Here are some issues that every dating couple should discuss.
Money
Who earns it, who controls it, who spends it and for what.
Money is one of the major issues cited for divorce. Every person is different and every one will have a different opinion on this subject. It is of vital importance that you agree on this.
Go to More on Money Matters, at the bottom of this page.
Children
Should we have any? How many? What about discipline, what kind? Who takes care of them? Will daddy change diapers? Daycare? Homeschool? Breastfeeding? Adoption? Allowance? Chores? Sports? Music lessons? Girls vs Boys, what will they be taught or allowed to do, or made to do, because of their gender?
This issue of children is more important than the money issue, and any of the subjects above have the potential to cause major problems in a marriage, even divorce, if the parents cannot agree.
Careers Goals
A career is much different than a job. A job is something you do for money. It doesn’t matter if you like doing it or not. A career is a goal you focus on; that you hope will one day be your job. You must determine early on, whose career is most important to the family. Ladies, if there is any question, I think you must (no, it is your God given duty) to support your husband’s career above and beyond your own. You can both have careers, but his has to be the most important one. This is scriptural. These are things you must talk about before marriage, and you must be able to agree. Ladies, if your date cannot accept your career goals, then don’t marry him.
God
Whatever you decide about this, it will affect your marriage. My grandparents both hated religion and decided before they got married that they would have no part of it. They were married more than 50 years and never got divorced. However, they both separately and without the other’s knowledge, accepted Jesus in their 90’s just weeks before they died. This is not the way to go. I think my grandmother might have become a Christian earlier, but she had made a commitment to my grandfather, since before they were married, also she had been the one to suggest the idea.
Other Topics
What is woman’s role?
More on Money Matters
I personally believe in the old-fashioned system of the man being the principal breadwinner and provider. Even if the woman can earn more, because she has more experience or training, I don’t think it is wise for her to continue to do so. I think psychologically the man needs to fulfill his God given role, and if he doesn’t he will eventually regret it and end up resenting his wife. This also happens, I might add, if one or both sets of parents/in-laws take on that responsibility. Except in the case of teen pregnancy, in that case I think the parents should help out, because the teens are still children themselves. (I don’t believe in shot-gun weddings, two wrongs don’t make a right)
An idea for how to handle the finances
Another thought; does Jesus ever make us pay Him for anything? We should follow His example for treating us, in how we should treat our children. By the same token, does He bribe us to get us to do things He has commanded us to do? Our children get their concept of God from their parents, this is a fact. What are you teaching your children about God, from your actions?
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Just what do we believe? Who is Jesus? Is He the only way? How about the baptism of the Holy Spirit? The rapture? What does it mean to be saved? Whom do we pray to? What kind of church will we attend?
I suppose you don’t have to agree on every little detail, but you must agree on the basics.
This is the most important topic of all. We all know the verse:
2Cor: 6:14: Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?
In my experience, I have witnessed the union of people who thought the other one was a Christian and then after they got married, found out that what the other called being a Christian was not the same thing at all. This is the hardest topic to discuss and get any kind of satisfactory result. And yet it is the most vital to a successful marriage.
What is man’s role?
Spiritual Gifts, what is yours?
Pets
Where will we live?
Travel?
Foreign Missionary or Pastor or Secular Career, etc?
How will we spend our vacations?
Tithing
This is just an idea, take it or leave it. I think that the money should be collected from the various different sources, his paycheck, her paycheck (if she has a job), and any other source of income. It should all be figured in to make one total. Then all of the expenses should be taken out first, almost no one can agree what these should be, but I think ALL expenses should be taken out first. Obviously things like rent and food, but also if you know you will be attending a wedding that week or month, figure in the wedding gift. After you have taken out the expenses, decide how much to put into the family savings, and then divide up the rest for personal spending money. Some people have the man paying for some things out of his paycheck and the woman paying for other things out of her paycheck. I don’t like this system as it perpetuates the “mine versus yours” mentality that to me seems a precursor for a divorce settlement. I am no expert on money and there are many experts out there who will give you better ideas. Let me add here, if the wife does not work outside of the home, it is vital that she be given some spending money which she can spend solely on her own wants and NOT her NEEDS. Her needs should be provided by the family income, and figured in as family expenses. The same goes for children in the family, I vehemently disagree that out of a child’s allowance they should have to buy clothes, toothbrush, etc.
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