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Cheating Death

AS THE DEATHBRINGER, I DO NOT NORMALLY ADVOCATE, ENCOURAGE NOR SUGGEST ATTEMPTING TO CHEAT DEATH. I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU WOULD WANT TO ANYWAY: IT'S SO MUCH FUN. BUT IF YOU INSIST ON IMMORTALITY, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I KNOW.

There are only two ways of cheating death that have any chance of success: cryonics and vampirism. I suppose you might be able to obtain a special gris-gris from some voodoo queen or, if you pray REAL hard and it turns out there is a God (good luck to yah) you might go to Heaven or other bullshit like that. So I say, stick with what works.

Cryonics

Cryonics is the science of preserving human bodies by way of freezing, in the hopes that sometime in the future, medical science may be capable of successfully reviving you and also fixing whatever killed you. Technically, cryonic suspesion is specialized cold storage, also known as cryostasis, at very low (cryogenic) temperatures, about -196 Celsius. The body is perfused with cryoprotective solution (usually based on glycerol) to minimize deteriorative damage to the body during the process (in other words, to attempt to keep you from getting freezerburn.) It's not a bad idea, really; the possibility seems very real that medicine may be able to revive you one day. Of course, you'll probably be braindamaged, you'll have no idea what century you're living in, won't have a clue as to what's going on, everyone you know will be dead and people will call you Zachary Zombie or taunt you in other cruel ways, but hey you'll be alive, and that's what you wanted, right? For more information on cryonics visit

www.cryonics.org

Option #2: Vampirism

If you don't know who this is, then you don't deserve to be a vampire and you'd best click on this link and find out.

Remind us how it works, David.

You heard what the man said: You live forever, you drink blood, yadda yadda yadda. I'm not going to waste my time explaining this one to you. It's not for everybody, but if you're into that stuff, I say go for it.

Actually, you may already be a vampire.

Click here to find out if You May Already Be a Vampire.
If you are NOT a vampire, and want to find out how to be one, buy a how-to book. The publication I've blurbed below was written by a good friend and is one I recommend. It shows you a sure fire way to cheat death via vampirism. Go to AMAZON.COM or BARNESANDNOBLE.COM to order a copy online.

I Wanna Be a Vampire

Twelve Easy Steps to Undead

By Nelson Wolfe

A lot of people would kill to be a vampire. Who wouldn’t, with all the perks: power, sex, money, immortality...but how does one really go about becoming an elite member of the undead?

I Wanna Be a Vampire answers all your questions and gives you current, inside info on becoming the vamp you always wanted to be. Where does one find a genuine vampire? How do I make a good first impression? Do I really have to live in a graveyard? All of these questions and more are covered in IWBAV. So fish out all your black clothes, max out your credit cards and give away your pets, because you’re about to start your Unlife!

At Bookstores Nationwide! Or send $24.99 to: I Wanna Be a Vampire P.O. Box 66666 New Orleans, LA 96782

Expect 3-6 weeks for delivery

There is no risk! If you follow the twelve steps and are not yet one of the Walking Dead, you must be a dumbass, but we’ll still give you your money back! If you ARE undead and are finding trouble meeting other nightcreatures, are feeling the postmortum blues or have any other problems, you can contact Vampire Anonymous (through mail, phone, fax, website or telepathy) and find a local coven and meeting times in your area. You can also consult “Vampirism for Dummies”(at bookstores nationwide) for helpful hints and survival tips.

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