Frisbeetarianism is the philosophy that when you die, your soul goes up on a roof and gets stuck.
- George Carlin
They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist---
Final words of Union Major General John Sedgewick
Don't piss me off. i'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
- A T-Shirt
Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.
- Aldous Huxley
Hell is--other people!
-Jean Paul Sartre
I recently heard about a mass murderer who killed seventeen people in three days... they say he was a loner. Well, of course he was. He apparently killed everyone he came in contact with!
- George Carlin
Optimism is a mania for saying things are well when one is in hell.
-Voltaire
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, and you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating... you finish off as an orgasm.
- George Carlin
Know thyself? If I knew myself, I'd run away.
-Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
In the depths of my heart I can't help being convinced that my dear fellow man, with a few exceptions, are worthless.
-Sigmund Freud
The planet is fine, the people are fucked.
- George Carlin
Freedom of the press is limited to those who own one
- Henry Louis Mencken
The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish to be married, and the married wish to be dead.
-Ann Landers
If anyone ever says that they hate war more than I do, they better have a knife.
- Jack Handey
How come on the condom dispensers it has a little picture of birds flying over a pretty mountain. They use sex to sell everything else... why don't they use sex to sell condoms?
- Jeff Carnegie
Even paranoids have real enemies.
-Delmore Schwartz
How to Raise your I.Q. by Eating Gifted Children
- Lewis B. Frumkes (Book Title)
I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.
- Solomon Short
I like to tell people I have the heart of a small boy. Then I say it's in a jar on my desk.
- Stephen King
Sleep is good, death is better.
-Heinrich Heine
How to please a woman? Love her, die for her, take her to dinner, miss the superbowl for her, buy her jewelery, pretend you're interested in what she has to say...How to please a Man? Show up naked, bring beer.
- Unknown
"Looked up the elevator shaft to see if it was coming down. It was.
-Inscription on Harry Edsel Smith's gravestone
He who laughs last has not yet heard the bad news.
-Bertolt Brecht
I was fired from my job at a Howard Johnson's when somebody asked me the ice cream flavor of the week and I said "chickem".
-Mike Nichols
Sometimes at the end of the day when I'm smiling and shaking hands, I want to kick them.
-Richard Nixon
Getting out of bed in the morning is an act of false confidence.
-Jules Feiffer
A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.
-Robert Frost
I have the true feeling of myself only when I am unbearably unhappy.
-Franz Kafka
If my film makes one more person miserable, I've done my job.
-Woody Allen
Happiness is an imaginary condition, formerly attributed by the living to the dead, now usually attributed by adults to children, and by children to adults.
-Thomas Szasz
I don't know, I don't care, and it doesn't make any difference.
-Jack Kerouac
The basic fact about human existence is not that it is a tradegy, but that it is a bore.
-H.L. Mencken
Misery acquaints a man with strange bedfellows.
-William Shakespeare
Whew! That was pretty depressing! Check out The Story of Bread the Turkey for some lighter fodder!
