Did you know...You may already be a vampire!

Seriously, David. Some statistics show that as many as 1.87% of all adults in the US and 2.2% in the UK are not aware they are vampires. The numbers are strikingly higher in areas surrounding London, New Orleans in Louisiana, Santa Carla in California, and for some reason, southern New Jersey. Oddly, New York, despite a healthy Goth scene (what an oxymoron, huh?), has the lowest numbers of both vampires and undiagnosed vampires.Read the following 25 clues to find out if you may in fact be a vampire.

YOU MAY BE A VAMPIRE IF...

• You scare goths.
• Your place of residence is 6 feet underground.
• Your skin, in the middle of summer, is whiter than Conan O’Brien’s.
• You know the entire TV lineup at 4:30 am.
• Your electric bill is very high.
• You wear sunglasses at night.
• You have never seen the Today Show.
• You remember when mail was delivered via horseback.
• You have been to a bloodbank but didn’t get cookies and juice afterwards from the nurse.
• Your dentist suggests braces.
• You are offended by Count Chocula.
• Your favorite TV show is Fox’s “World’s Bloodiest Accidents”
• You shop mostly at 7Eleven or Store24.
• You don’t know how a sundial works.
• You have never had stitches.
• You specifically ask waiters for plain rolls instead of garlic bread.
• You are just so polite you never go into someone’s house without them inviting you.
• People ask where you got those fabulous color contacts.
• You have really bad breath.
• You think Buffy the Vampire Slayer is a really scary show.
• You hate splinters even more than paper cuts.
• You’re not good with animals; they just don’t seem to like you.
• You don’t own any mirrors.
• Your favorite retort is “Bite Me”.
• You take people literally when they say it.

RESULTS

If 1-5 of the statements are true to you, then your possibility of being a vampire is slim.

If 5-10 are true, there is a definite possibility you may be a vampire.

If 10-15 are true, you are MOST LIKELY a vampire.

Over 15: I hope you own lots of sunscreen.

Do you suspect you may be a vampire? Don't know what to do next?

Don't panic. There is help for you. VA, or Vampires Anonymous, is a nationally organized, nonprofit group whose aim is to assist and support vampires, particularly the new undead. VA provides an oppurtunity to meet other creatures of the night and talk about anxieties and problems relating to your nightlife. Most importantly, VA can help you come to terms with your vampirism and start you down the road to a happier, more rewarding unlife. Email VA at vampires_anonymous@yahoo.com for local meeting locations and times and other questions.

What if I'm NOT a Vampire???

If you are NOT a vampire, and want to find out how to be one, buy a how-to book. The publication I've blurbed below was written by a good friend and is one I recommend. It shows you a sure fire way to cheat death via vampirism. Go to Amazon.com or BarnesandNoble.com to order a copy online.

A lot of people would kill to be a vampire. Who wouldn’t, with all the perks: power, sex, money, immortality...but how does one really go about becoming an elite member of the undead?

I Wanna Be a Vampire answers all your questions and gives you current, inside info on becoming the vamp you always wanted to be. Where does one find a genuine vampire? How do I make a good first impression? Do I really have to live in a graveyard? All of these questions and more are covered in IWBAV. So fish out all your black clothes, max out your credit cards and give away your pets, because you’re about to start your Unlife!

There is no risk! If you follow the twelve steps and are not yet one of the Walking Dead, you must be a dumbass, but we’ll still give you your money back! If you ARE undead and are finding trouble meeting other nightcreatures, are feeling the postmortum blues or have any other problems, you can contact Vampire Anonymous (through mail, phone, fax, website or telepathy) and find a local coven and meeting times in your area. You can also consult “Vampirism for Dummies”(at bookstores nationwide) for helpful hints and survival tips.

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