i’ve decided that maybe i’ve been looking at this the wrong way. my whole perception of art and artists is completely fucked up. sometimes i know that i am putting too much focus on how others view what i create, but other times i realize that the fate of me as an artist rests on the eyes and tastes of others. it honestly does, and that confuses me, but the way i devalue my ability is silly. for so long i have felt like i would pale in comparison to other art students and i think maybe that is untrue. most of them are probably thinking the same things that i am. i wonder if one ever gets used to this feeling...the one that comes with constant criticism and such an inconsistent satisfaction. i’m sure the artists who are in good schools somewhere succeeding at something they love are the artists who gave themselves a chance. i’m sure every one of them went into the whole thing with a bit of doubt...a little piece of something that made them afraid that they wouldn’t be good enough, but the ones who made it through school and onto where they wanted to be aren’t the ones who dwelled on that. you can’t put all of your focus on how much better everyone else is going to be and still expect to make anything worthy of the time you put into it. i have decided to bury my fear of inadequacy and concentrate on my hands...on my canvas only. i need to find a place, my place...my way of doing things and once i do i can’t allow anyone to push me backwards. i will have to learn to let certain comments go straight through me. up until now i have been painting for other people. i want to let go of that and paint for myself. if someone can see beauty in the things that i create then that’s wonderful. if they can’t then they can simply look at something else. no one ever got anywhere until they started giving themselves a chance. i know that if i don’t believe in my hands then no one else is going to. i hope to one day gain the confidence i need to get myself where i deserve to be...and to get the nerve to kick every fuckhead who says "looks like a kid coulda dun it." i will not paint roses and puppies and then sit around worrying about if they look realistic enough for you. that’s what your memory and cameras are for...realism. my hands are for magic. - me