~ UNCLE JED'S ~
REDNECK PONDERIN'S
~ REAL DOWN HOME ~
WHY, DO YOU RECKON WE PARK ON DRIVEWAYS AND DRIVE ON PARKWAYS ?
WHY, DO YOU RECKON THE TELEVISION STATIONS ALWAYS REPORT POWER OUTAGES ?
WHY, DO YOU RECKON A PACKAGE SENT BY LAND CARRIER IS CALLED A SHIPMENT, WHILE A PACKAGE SENT BY A SHIP IS CALLED CARGO ?
WHY, DO YOU RECKON THERE ISN'T A MOUSE-FLAVORED CAT FOOD ?
WHY, DO YOU RECKON BUILDERS ARE AFRAID TO HAVE A 13th FLOOR, BUT BOOK PUBLISHERS AREN'T AFRAID TO HAVE A CHAPTER 11 ?
WHY, DO YOU RECKON WE CALL IT A TV SET WHEN YOU ONLY GET ONE ?
WHY, DO YOU RECKON PHONETICS ISN'T SPELLED THE WAY IT SOUNDS ?
WHY, DO YOU RECKON WE CALL THEM APARTMENTS WHEN THEY ARE ATTACHED TO ONE ANOTHER ?
WHY, DO YOU RECKON THAT ONLY IN AMERICA....CAN A HOMELESS COMBAT VETERAN LIVE IN A CARDBOARD BOX AND A DRAFT DODGER LIVE IN THE WHITE HOUSE ?
WHY, DO YOU RECKON THAT ONLY IN AMERICA....DO THEY HAVE DRIVE-UP ATM MACHINES WITH BRAILLE LETTERING ?
WHY, DO YOU RECKON THAT AN OLDTIMER IS SOMEONE WHO REMEMBERS WHEN A GIRL WALKED BACKWARDS IN A HIGH WIND AND A TIME WHEN....THE SKY WAS THE LIMIT. AND HE RE-CALLS THAT A GIRL USED TO STAY HOME WHEN SHE HAD NOTHING TO WEAR ?
WHY, DO YOU RECKON THEM GOL DANG VULTURES KEEPS FLYING OVER MY HEAD, I AIN'T DEAD YET ?
NEVER SLAP A MAN WHO'S CHEWIN' TOBACCO.
LETTIN' THE CAT OUTTA THE BAG IS A WHOLE
LOT EASIER 'N PUTTIN IT BACK IN.
IT AIN'T SO MUCH THE THINGS YOU DON'T KNOW THAT GET YOU IN TROUBLE.
IT'S THE THINGS YOU KNOW THAT JUST AIN'T SO !
IF YOU GET TO THINKIN' YOU'RE A PERSON OF
SOME INFLUENCE, TRY ORDIN' SOME BODY ELSE'S DOG AROUND.
NEVER KICK A COW CHIP ON A HOT DAY.
DON'T SQUAT WITH YOUR SPURS ON.
ALWAYS DRINK UPSTREAM FROM THE HERD.
NEVER MISS A GOOD CHANCE TO SHUT UP.
GOOD JUDGEMENT COMES FROM EXPERIENCE, AND A
LOT OF THAT COME FROM BAD JUDGEMENT.
IF YOU'RE RIDIN AHEAD OF THE HERD, TAKE A
LOOK BACK EVERY NOW AND THEN TO MAKE SURE THEIR STILL THERE.
THERE'S TWO THEORIES TO ARGUIN'
WITH THE FORMAN. NEITHER ONE WORKS.
IF YOU FIND YOURSELF IN A HOLE, THE FIRST
THING TO DO IS STOP DIGGIN'.
IT DON'T TAKE A GENIUS TO SPOT A GOAT
IN A FLOCK OF SHEEP.
THERE ARE THREE KINDS OF PEOPLE:
A. THE ONES THAT LEARN BY READING,
B. THE FEW WHO LEARN BY OBSERVATION, AND
C. THE REST OF THEM WHO HAVE TO TOUCH THE FIRE TO SEE IF IT'S HOT.
* One hand on wheel, one hand on horn:
Chicago
* One hand on wheel, one finger out window: New York
* One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston
* One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator: California. With gun in lap: L.A.
* Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.
* Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy
* One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle
* One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window: Texas (male)
* One hand constantly refocusing the rearview mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rat-tail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment: Texas (female)
*Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna, cousin/spouse in passenger seat: Arkansas
*Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the interstate in the fast lane with the left blinker on: Florida
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