I knew how long goodbye could be. That's why I hated them so much. I usually said a quick goodbye and left, but this time was different. I was about to say goodbye to Celine, whose house I had lived in for months. I was about to part with Ellie, whom I had helped save from Randi, and Gabby, whose heart I had longed for for a little while.
"Thank you so much for letting us stay in your home," I said to Celine. "We all really enjoyed it."
"Oh, it was fun!" Celine said. "It was good to get to meet you."
"You too. Maybe we'll see each other again soon."
Celine leaned closer to me. "I know we will, Taylor." I smiled and turned away. One down, two to go, I thought.
Ellie and Zac had parted for a few moments, so I went to her. "Well, Taylor, it was fun," she said.
"Yeah."
"I'm sure we'll be seeing a lot of each other."
"I hope so. You and Zac are great together."
"Yeah." Ellie sighed and gave me a hug. "Thank you for watching out for Gabby. She's capable of caring for herself, but friends help a lot."
I pulled away and smiled. "Bye, Ellie."
"See you soon, Taylor."
The only one left was Gabby. She was standing close enough to Ike to be seen but far enough away that she couldn't be heard. I went to her.
"Have a very Merry Christmas, Taylor," she said to me.
"You too. I'm really sorry it didn't work out with Ike."
"So am I." I heard her voice waver. "I'm sure you will find your special someone, Taylor."
I leaned over and gave her a hug. "Our paths will cross again, Gabby, and when they do, you and Ike will be together."
"Thanks, Taylor. Write me, okay?"
"Promise. Goodbye."
I turned away but heard her voice calling, "Goodbyes are forever, Taylor, and I don't want to not ever see you again. I'm sure I will."
My Christmas wish that year was for everyone to be healthy, happy and together. I knew my wish had yet to come true.
My eyes blurred as they traveled up Zac's body until we stood looking into each other's eyes. Zac wasn't crying, but I could see emotion just spilling out of his goregous brown eyes that held me so lovingly in their grasp.
"Zac," I whispered hoarsely.
"No, don't talk right now," he said softly, stroking my cheek and wiping a tear away. "I'm going to talk and you just listen. Don't say a word." In a daze, I felt him leading me over to a seat, where we sat, holding hands.
"Ellie, since the very second my eyes met yours in the Molson Center, I've been completely taken by you. You caught me as a fun-loving, playful person like me, but I saw deeper into you. I saw a deep thinker, someone who knows what they're doing here in this chaotic world. You had depth. You knew what love really was. Through you, I was able to get a peek into a world I didn't know existed. When I hold you, I feel complete and content. You've opened my eyes and my mind and all I want is to be with you all the time."
"Zac…" I moaned.
"Shh." He quickly hushed me. "Ellie, I'm leaving, but that doesn't mean we can't still love each other and hold our memories together close to our hearts. Believe me, when I leave tonight, I'll be leaving a part of me behind…with you, Ellie. I'm leaving part of me with you. And you…you've given me so much to take with me. Everywhere I go, I'll be carrying you with me. You're going to tour the world in my heart. Every song I sing, I'll be singing it to you. You mean everything to me, Ellie, everything, and I won't let distance stand in the way of this relationship which has become my most prized possession. I know you have an inner strength which will carry you through the rough times. Hold onto that strength, be strong for me because I wouldn't be able to bear life if I knew you were miserable. Keep being happy and remember every time you smile at someone, you could be making their day. We're going to get through this by having a positive attitude.
"Every time I look at you, it is as if I'm seeing you for the first time. Every time I kiss you, I want the moment to last forever. I long to hold you in my arms and trace your face with my finger. I want to memorize every curve, every freckle on your beautiful face. I feel like giving the world to you, but since I can't do that, all I can give is all my love. Yes, I'm giving you every ounce of love that is in my body. Ellie, I love you."
Tears trickled like streams down my cheeks. I didn't even try to say a word, knowing that nothing would come out if I did.
"You don't need to tell me anything." Zac seemed to read my mind. "I already know. I can see it in your eyes." We stood up and Zac engulfed me in his arms. I leaned my head into his neck and rested it there, letting my tears wet his shirt.
"I love you, too," I managed to blurt out and I knew those four words were enough. Suddenly, I realized Zac was crying too.
"Oh, look at me," he muttered. "I'm supposed to be the strong one at a time like this."
I kissed his neck. "It's okay," I whispered. We remained entangled in each other's arms for a few minutes before standing back and looking in each other's eyes. Then Zac kissed me, not a small kiss, but a long one in which we shared all the love we had buried inside. We never spoke another word. That kiss said everything. Then Zac left.
It was time to say goodbye to everyone. In an hour, I would be going back with Celine and Ellie. I thanked God that Ellie was there. If she wasn't, I didn't know how it would all turn out.
Zac and Ellie had gone off a little ways to say goodbye. I watched them for a moment. Just from the way they were looking at each other, I could tell they were so much in love, and in so much pain from having to leave each other. I glanced over at Isaac, who was standing with Celine. The two were deep in conversation. I wondered what they were talking about.
I saw Diana with Walker, so I headed over in that direction. "Hello, Gabby," Diana greeted me.
"It was so good to get to meet you," I said. "I can't tell you how much I have looked up to you. For a long time, you were just Hanson's mom. Now you're my friend."
"You're a very special girl, Gabby," Diana said. "I know the guys enjoy your company."
"I enjoy theirs," I said. "Thank you for everything, Diana."
Diana smiled and I saw her eyes darkening with tears. She gave me a hug and said, "Merry Christmas, Gabby."
"Merry Christmas to you, too," I choked. I handed her my present, a necklace with little mugs with her children's names on it, and received one in return. I high-fived Walker and smiled at them both.
Now I had Zac and Isaac left to say goodbye to. Ellie had gone off to talk to Taylor, so I approached Zac. I saw his eyes glistening with unfallen tears. My heart sank as I looked at him. Quietly, I gave him a hug.
"Everything will be all right, Zac," I whispered. "I promise you. You and Ellie will be together again."
"I love her," he whispered.
"I know how you feel…"
"Talk to Ike, Gabby," he urged. "Don't leave without saying goodbye."
My eyes teared up at his words. "I won't." My voice cracked. Zac squeezed me and let me go, turning away to Celine.
I turned to look out the huge airport window, wiping my tears away before seeing Isaac. I turned again when I felt composed.
I could barely see in front of me. All I knew was I was walking in the direction of the plane. My tears had clouded my vision. Everything I had just told Ellie had been the most emotional I had ever spoken. And I knew she felt everything I felt. That last kiss had shown me that I just couldn't live without her.
Plopping down in my seat, my mind totally on Ellie, I traced the package lying in my wet hands. I traced her loving handwriting, reading simply "To Zac, From Ellie". Carefully, I slit the wrapping paper and lifted out her gift.
A golden heart-shaped frame blurred in my vision. My heart pulled at the sight of her beautiful face, resting against mine, inside the frame. The simple phrase that summed it all up was written on the top: "I'll be with you in your dreams".
I leaned my head back against the headrest and let my tears fall. There was nothing I could do now. Until I saw her again, she would only live in my dreams…and my heart.
I wondered how she was doing. I knew if Ike and Gabby didn't come clean, Ellie's priority would be to Gabby. Even though her heart was hurting, she would give Gabby the strength I had told her to hold onto. Even though I wasn't there, I was there in spirit, and helping Gabby would help Ellie.
There was nothing I wanted to do more at that moment than run back to Ellie and hold her again, make sure she was all right. But I knew I couldn't. My previous words or last passionate kiss would mean enough. The way I felt for Ellie simply couldn't be expressed in words or actions. The greatest thing I could do for her, and for me, would be to always stand by her side. Even though I was only 13, I had seen a lot in traveling the world over, and I knew that love was only expressed through the heart. That was all we both needed to know. And that was all we ever would know.
The first thing I saw was him. At the same moment, our eyes locked across the airport waiting room. I looked at him, memorizing every look. The way his hair fell across his face, the light in his eyes, the warmth of his voice…I wanted to remember it all. In what seemed like slow motion, Isaac was making his way to my side. With every step, my heart was breaking more. Over the past few months, I had realized just how much Isaac meant to me. He was my guardian angel. He had saved my life from the clutches of desperation, pain and hopelessness. But more than that, Isaac had taught me about life…my life and how I felt. And if I couldn't be with him, I wanted no one else. I longed to find the words to make the past go away and be held the way I knew he wanted to hold me. But it wasn't in my power anymore.
"Hi," he said simply once reaching my side.
"Hi," I whispered back, knowing one more word would send me into hysterical tears.
As I looked into Gabby's eyes, I felt like I was looking into pure emotion laid out before me. Words filled my mouth, but words I knew I could never speak. It was too late, too late to make amends that I had waited too long to express. I needed to say something, something to make it better, to lessen the pain for Gabby, but what could I say? I felt like sandpaper filled my mouth as I realized that I was the cause of Gabby's pain. If it wasn't for me, she could go on leading a normal life, but no…I had to ruin it for her.
Here had been my one chance to find true love, but I had carelessly let it slip through my fingers. Questions filled my mind at this realization. Was Gabby my soulmate, the one I was meant to be with? If so, what had I done wrong? More so, what had I done to deserve this? I had tried so hard to make things work. Maybe I wasn't good enough. Maybe I wouldn't have been able to live up to Gabby's standards. But were we meant to be together from the start? If we were, then would I ever find anyone else? How could I if I stayed so madly in love with the figure outlined before my eyes?
Gabby had taught me what real love was. Now I knew that love wasn't a toy to be casually played with. Love delves deep into a person's heart and soul and leaves it's mark scarred into a person's mentality. I wondered if my wound would ever heal or would I be left torn apart inside, never to find my true self and left searching for answers the rest of my life. To think of what could have awaited me if only I had thought clearly enough to admit to myself the truth.
Suddenly, I realized I was standing dumbly there in front of Gabby without saying a word. What could I say? I couldn't tell her how I felt, but then I couldn't lie to her by saying a normal goodbye like everything would be okay. Our lives had only briefly overlapped, but enough to affect the rest of our lives. How could I have missed the clarity of Gabby's character, her desperate need of someone to hold her and tell her they loved her and mean it? How did I miss that searching in her eyes that I saw only now when it was too late?
"Isaac." I heard a voice calling my name, filtering into my consciousness like when one wakes up from a dream. I looked over to see my mom motioning to come over. In an act of desperate anger and confusion, I turned and escaped from the situation facing me.
"We need to go," my mom urged me gently. "Can you carry this bag?" I nodded in my stupor, not thinking about what or who I was leaving behind. My mom's hand guided me firmly as we progressed down the ramp to the plane. My head was numb and I knew I wasn't thinking clearly. I stumbled onto the plane without looking back.
I felt helpless standing by the empty gate at midnight that Christmas Eve. Ellie and Gabby stood on either side of me, Ellie's face a picture of despair and Gabby's blank. I looked closer and saw eyes filled with tears that she refused to release, pain that still held her in its grip.
All eyes were locked on the plane that sat like a stone statue, outlined against the black sky. I wondered what was in store for the two young women in the following months. I knew Ellie could get through, but Gabby? I pulled the two of them to my sides and while Ellie buried her head in my coat, Gabby stood stiff, eyes never wavering from the window.
Would they stay in touch? I wondered. I had seen Ellie mature in the months they had been together, and I hoped they could carry on their relationship. Deep in my heart, I felt they could. What did Gabby have left for her? She and Isaac had never even said goodbye, I had noticed. She had nothing left but regrets to remember the Hansons by.
We had been here long enough. I knew I needed to get away from here, get in the limo and try to sort things out the best I could. "Let's go to the bathroom and get fixed up before heading back," I advised. The three of us turned and walked towards the bathroom. Ellie trailed behind, her head craned around, not letting this last picture vanish from sight, the last real one she had left. Gabby never looked back once. She marched forward, numb to the emotional struggle that was tearing her apart. We washed our faces and got looking presentable before stepping back out, ready for the short trip home. As we turned down the terminal to the exit, Ellie and I looked back to the gate, only to see it empty, just as I felt inside,
We didn't talk on the car ride home. But as we sped down the highway, I heard familiar music coming from the radio. Burying my head in my hands, I thought, NO, not this song…anything but this song! If Gabby hadn't already broken down inside, I knew this song would surely do her in. It was one of my older songs and it was called "If We Could Start Over". Gabby tried to hide her pain as the words pounded at her, but I could see right into her soul as they grabbed at her heart, and I knew Ellie could see the same.
I never found out why you walked away
And never said goodbye
But now that I see you
I'm torn inside but I've still got my pride
I understand that some things are better left unsaid
I'm afraid of the truth
But what can I do if I still want you?
If we could start over again
I know if we try our love could be stronger
If we could start over again
I'm sure we'd never have to let go
For so many years now
I've held inside things I meant to say
But faced with the past now I realize
I can't let that stand in our way
I never knew a love so strong would never fade
But what can we do
If I still want you and you want me too?
How can we walk away
From something that was once so strong
Have we the strength to say we were wrong?
It was too late for Gabby, too late for her to start over.
That had been the worst possible song for Gabby to hear. When the limo pulled up next to Celine's house, I reached and put my arm around Gabby's shoulders. She looked into my eyes and then squeezed her eyes shut.
"I messed up big time, Ellie. This is all my fault. I've ruined everything," she moaned.
"We're going to move on, Gabby. We have our whole lives ahead of us. We need to live them the best we can," I tried to comfort. But what did Gabby have to look forward to in life? I supported her as we went up the steps to the door. Gabby was my best friend and I would do everything in my power to help her. Suddenly, I realized I still had my unopened present from Zac clutched in my hand. I'd open it in the morning, I decided.
Celine stepped in front of me and unlocked the door and I followed her into the living room where we stopped dead in our tracks. I looked around in amazement, my jaw dropped open. "Oh my God…" I stuttered.
