I was surprised when Celine stepped onto the stage to sing, but moments later, Ike pulled me close and the song began. It was familiar, but not one I knew well. I tried my best to relax and listen to the words, but so many things inside me were pulling. I loved Ike, but I couldn't let myself love again. I couldn't trust again. And what would happen when Ike left again? For good, maybe?
"Love doesn't ask why," I heard. I knew this song fit me perfectly. I had to stop questioning everything, but somehow I knew that I couldn't stop.
"Don't ask me if this feelings right or wrong." I felt a tear slip down my cheek, and before I realized it, my head was buried in Ike's shoulder. He rested his head on mine, but I only cried harder. "'Cause when you're in my arms, I understand." Did he? Did Ike understand? I had to let go, but I couldn't. I felt like everything inside me was tearing in two. I felt Ike's breath on my face, drawing closer. I turned my head up toward his and saw the care in his eyes. Let go, I thought, let go. Our eyes drew us closer together now, almost face to face.
"If you give your soul to me, will you give too much away?" Yes, I thought to myself. I can't give my soul away again. Look what had happened the last time. All the pain. I'm giving too much away! I thought. I have to stop!
The crowd, blurred from my tears, all seemed to be in slow motion as I leaped back, realizing I had almost gone too far. Throwing myself away from Ike, I rushed out to find the ladies room.
I couldn't believe Gabby had just thrown everything away like that. She loved Ike. I could tell by the way she had been looking into his eyes. Why didn't she give in?
Just then Ike spotted Zac and me and came rushing over. "What did I do?" He looked pleadingly at us.
"I don't know," I sighed.
Suddenly a voice behind me said, "You didn't do anything wrong, Isaac." It was Celine. "Gabby just needs some time to come around. She took a big step tonight, and I think it scared her."
"Yeah, Celine's right," Taylor said, coming up next to Ike. "We're all working with you."
"We're all here for you, Ike," Zac added.
Ike nodded, but turned away and walked off. Taylor seemed to have an idea and left in the other direction.
"Oh, Celine," I sighed. "Ike doesn't need us. All he wants is Gabby. What can I do?" I felt tears coming to my eyes.
"Give her some time to sort out her feelings," Celine recommended, giving me a hug. "And in the mean time, have some fun."
"All right," I said, trying my best to smile. Zac put his arms around me.
"Hey, I'm here for you. And fun is what I do best!"
That got a laugh out of me, and we walked over to chat with some people, hand in hand.
I stared at myself in the mirror and saw smears of make-up on my cheeks.
How could I have done that to Ike? I scrambled through my feelings, trying to find one that I could cling to.
I wasn't ready, I decided. Ike would be able to see that. I just wasn't ready. I knew I was lying to myself, hiding the truth about what I really was scared of. But the lie made me feel more secure.
I splashed some water over my face and wiped the make-up away. I'll go back out, I thought. I'll carry on like everything's okay. I strode to the door and went out, running straight into Taylor, who seemed to be waiting there.
"Oh, hi Tay," I said.
"Hey, Gabby, can we talk a minute?" Tay asked.
"Sure, what's up?" I leaned against a wall, hoping I looked casual. From the way Taylor was looking at me, I knew he could see right through me.
"Gabby, I know you're dealing with a lot right now…"
"Taylor, don't." I didn't want Taylor to say what I knew was true.
"Gabrielle, you're going to listen to me whether you like it or not. Ike has fallen for you. You've fallen for him. You have all these invisible walls up. Gabby, you know Ike would never hurt you."
"I know, Taylor, but I can't…"
"Why not?" Taylor demanded.
"Because I don't know what love and trust are anymore!" I finally had told someone the truth. I slid to the ground. Taylor put his hand on my shoulder. "Taylor, Jeremy and I were together for almost two years. I really felt like I was in love. I felt empty every time he wasn't around. He brought out so many things in me that I never thought existed. He really hurt me when he dumped me for Randi. It's like he didn't ever care for me. We didn't even talk about it. He wrote me a note! When he dumped me, he walked away with my heart." I looked up at Taylor. His blue eyes were full of sympathy. "How could I have been so stupid? I gave him all my love and trust…for pain? I would have committed suicide, that's how badly I felt. Then I heard of you guys. You and Ellie kept me going. But Isaac…he never pressured me. He stood back and let me have my space, all the while dealing with his feelings for me on top of my own pain. All the horrible things I've said and done…Oh, Tay, what's wrong with me?"
Taylor was silent for a moment. "Gabby, I'm so sorry. I never knew…"
"Well, now you do," I said, my old walls returning.
"Gabby, you have to let go. You're going to drive yourself to insanity if you keep going like this. You've taken a big step, telling me how you feel. But I'm not the one who needs to know. Ike is."
"I can't tell him!" I choked.
"What…are you afraid he's gonna laugh? Gabby, Ike cares for you…more than Jeremy ever pretended like he did. Everyone's behind you…Celine, Ellie, Zac, me, Ike…we all just want to help."
I looked up at Taylor, glad I'd confided in him. "I'm sorry, Taylor," I choked out. He gave me a reassuring hug. "I just can't."
Taylor stood up. "Well then, I can't do anything for you. You have to have faith and trust in yourself to know that Ike has faith and trust in you." He looked at me again. "You've gotta keep going even though the road gets hard, you've gotta keep trying even though he broke your heart, and if you ever need a friend, I will be here for you." With that, he walked away. I pressed my head against the wall. I had no tears left.
"Taylor, where have you been?" I asked. "You guys are gonna perform soon!"
"I was talking with Gabby." He grabbed my arm and pulled me over to where Ike, Zac and Celine were talking. "Guys, we need to talk."
"Sure, Taylor," Zac said, standing beside me. He smiled at me.
"Guys, I just talked to Gabrielle." We all stared at him. "She told me everything she's feeling. She's really in trouble. She told me how she felt, but immediately pushed it down again."
"She always does that," I groaned.
"Is she okay?" Ike asked.
Taylor shook his head. "I think she's almost to the point of hurting herself…physically."
"We have to do something!" I cried. I had had no idea! Zac reached over and silently took my hand.
"I can't do anything else. I've tried to get her to open up. I've danced with her and everything," Ike said. "There's nothing else I can do!"
"Yes, there is," Celine spoke up. "She's very receptive to music. Say it in song, Isaac. She may wake up after that."
Ike looked at Taylor and Zac. "I have an idea," he said. He ran off. Taylor followed and Zac turned to me.
"She'll be okay, Ellie," he said. "I'll be right back."
"Okay," I whispered. He squeezed my hands and left. I sighed. What were they going to do?
I stood in the bathroom, my conversation with Taylor running through my head. I looked around, trying to find something I could use to get rid of my pain. Finally, I spotted a razor.
I picked it up and held it, debating what I should do with it. "I wish Ike was here," I whispered to myself as I raised the razor and closed my eyes.
A piano scared me, and I lifted the razor away. It was a beautiful piano piece and then I heard Ike's voice. I dropped the razor and slowly opened the bathroom door. The piano and Ike's voice drew me closer to the living room. I peeked around the corner, where Taylor was standing closest to me. I knew he knew I was there.
Ike was seated at the piano, gazing out into the audience. I started listening to the words. "I love you more than anything, than anything I do, and I'd give everything and anything I have just to be with you. These feelings I hold inside are emotions I cannot hide. These feelings will not subside. I'd give anything, anything."
"More Than Anything," I whispered. Taylor turned to me, but didn't say a word. The song was so beautiful.
Suddenly, I knew Ike knew I was there. As he sang the chorus for the last time, his eyes seemed to be locked on me. What I had almost done in the bathroom came back to me, and I staggered backwards for a second. Taylor reached out.
"Tay…I can't believe what I almost did," I whispered. Taylor looked puzzled. "I almost cut myself with a razor. Isaac's song saved me. What am I doing?"
