1.A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
2.Monday Night Football.
3.Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
4.You can open all your own jars.
Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.
When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying.
5.A beer gut does not make you invisible to the
opposite sex.
6.You can go to the bathroom with out a support
group.
7.When your work is criticized, you don't have to
panic that everyone secretly hates you.
8.You get extra credit for the slightest act of
thoughtfulness.
9.You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
10.Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
11.Sex means never worrying about your
reputation.
12.Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
13.You don't have to shave below your neck.
14.If you're 34 and single, nobody notices.
15.You can write your name in the snow.
16.You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
17.Everything on your face stays its original color.
18.You can be President.
19.Flowers fix everything.
20.You get to think about sex 90% of your waking
hours.
21.You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
22.Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
23.Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you
walk into the room.
24.You don't have to clean your apartment if the
meter reader is coming by.
25.Car mechanics tell you the truth.
26.The world is your urinal.
27.You never misconstrue innocuous statements to
mean your lover is about to leave you.
28.Hot wax never comes near you pubic area. One
mood, all the time.
29.You never have to drive to another gas station
because this one's just too skeevy.
30.Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
31.Wedding dress: $2,000. Tux rental: $100.
32.You don't mooch off others' desserts.
33.If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
34.ESPN's SportsCenter.
35.You have a normal and healthy relationship with
your mother.
36.If you don't call your buddy when you say you
will, he won't tell your friends you've changed.
37.Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
38.If another guy shows up at the party in the same
outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
39.You think the idea of punting a small dog is
funny.
40.If something mechanical doesn't work, you can
bash it with a hammer and throw it across the
room.
35 Rules Every Woman Should Know
1 If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2 Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.
3 Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4 Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to
see if he can find the perfect present, again!
5 If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an
answer you don't want to hear.
6 Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
7 Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and
monster trucks.
8 Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like
every other cat.
9 Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
10 Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
11 Shopping is not sport.
12 Anything you wear is fine. Really.
13 You have enough clothes.
14 You have too many shoes.
15 Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
16 Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and your Dad probably is too.
17 Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
18 No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark
anniversaries on a calendar.
19 Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes-what makes you think
we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
20 Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
21 A headache, backache, tired feet, and mood swings that lasts for 17 months are a problem. See a doctor.
22 Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.
23 Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
24 Check your oil.
25 Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
26 It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
27 Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
28 If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
29 Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
30 You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.
31 Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.
32 Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
33 Consider Golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.
34 The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
35 We enjoy the opera as much as you enjoy wrestling.
Stand by your man
Her husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several
months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You
know what? You have been with me all through the bad times...When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side...You know what?" "What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. "I think you bring me bad luck."
A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching,
with her hands folded in her lap. The young man decided to ask if
they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs. The old gentleman said, "Oh no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50." The young man then asked
the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "Not yet. It's
his turn with the teeth."
An elderly man was at home, dying in bed. He smelled the aroma
of his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking. He wanted one last
cookie before he died. He fell out of bed, crawled to the landing,
rolled down the stairs, and crawled into the kitchen where his wife was busily baking cookies. With waning strength he crawled to the table and was just barely able to lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet. As he grasped a warm, moist, chocolate chip cookie, his favorite kind, his wife suddenly whacked his hand with a spatula. "Why?" he whispered. "Why did you do that?" "They're for the funeral," she replied.
