Technical SupportComputer novices may feel like they're alone these days, but some of thefollowing calls to IBM's help center show there are plenty of people out there who still are inching onto the information superhighway.After a caller gave a technician her PC's serial number, he scanned adatabase of registered users and responded, "I see you have an Aptiva"desktop unit. Before he could say another word, the caller shrieked andsaid she'd be right back. When the customer returned, the technician asked if she was all right. The caller responded: "Had I realized you could see me, I never would have telephoned in my bathrobe."
A customer who had just received a laptop computer asked about thepower-saving feature known as "hibernate." Would this hibernate device workin the spring and summer, the caller asked.
Another caller explained she had received a gift of software on 5.25-inchdiskettes, but she had only a 3.5-inch disk drive on her computer. Thetechnician said she had two options: Get a second disk drive, or use3.5-inch diskettes. The customer called back later, now complaining thather disk drive was making a terrible noise. And this despite the fact thatshe was using a 3.5-inch diskette, she said. After a bunch of questions,the technician determined the caller had used a pair of scissors to trimthe 5.25-inch diskettes to fit the 3.5-inch drive.
A caller, perplexed that his new desktop computer - the one that was supposed to do everything short of bringing on world peace - was doing nothing, cried out for help. No problem, the IBM technician said. First,open a "window" to launch a specific program. The conversation continued,and the caller asked a few moments later if it might be all right to close the window. Why, the IBM technician asked. Because, the caller responded,it was getting very chilly.
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HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothinghappened!"
HELPLINE: "Did you put the key in the ignition and turn it?"
CUSTOMER: "What's an ignition?"
HELPLINE: "It's a starter motor that draws current from yourbattery and turns over the engine."
CUSTOMER: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I haveto know all of these technical terms just to use my car?
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HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't goanywhere!"
HELPLINE: "Is the gas tank empty?"
CUSTOMER: "Huh? How do I know?"
HELPLINE: "There's a little gauge on the front panel, witha needle, and markings from 'E' to 'F'. Where is the needle pointing?"
CUSTOMER: "I see an 'E' but no 'F'."
HELPLINE: "You see the 'E' and just to the right is the 'F'.
CUSTOMER: "No, just to the right of the first 'E' is a 'V'.
HELPLINE: "A 'V'?!?"CUSTOMER: "Yeah, there's a 'C', an 'H', the first 'E', thena 'V', followed by 'R', 'O', 'L' ..."
HELPLINE: "No, no, no sir! That's the front of the car.When you sit behind the steering wheel, that's the panel I'm talking about."
CUSTOMER: "That steering wheel thingy-- Is that the roundthing that honks the horn?"
HELPLINE: "Yes, among other things."
CUSTOMER: "The needle's pointing to 'E'. What does that mean?"
HELPLINE: "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendorand purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you."
CUSTOMER: "What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tellme that I have to keep buying more components?I want a car that comes with everything built in!
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HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "Your cars suck!"
HELPLINE: "What's wrong?
"CUSTOMER: "It crashed, that's what went wrong!"
HELPLINE: "What were you doing?"
CUSTOMER: "I wanted to go faster, so I pushed theaccelerator pedal all the way to the floor.It worked for a while, and then it crashed-- and now it won't even start up!"
HELPLINE: "I'm sorry, sir, but it's your responsibilityif you misuse the product."
CUSTOMER: "Misuse it? I was just following this damnedmanual of yours. It said to make the car go to put the transmission in 'D' and press the accelerator pedal. That's exactly what I did --now the damn thing's crashed."
HELPLINE: "Did you read the entire operator's manualbefore operating the car sir?"
CUSTOMER: "What? Of course I did! I told you I didEVERYTHING the manual said and it didn't work!"
HELPLINE: "Didn't you attempt to slow down so you wouldn't crash?"
CUSTOMER: "How do you do THAT?"
HELPLINE: "You said you read the entire manual, sir.It's on page 14. The pedal next to the accelerator."
CUSTOMER: "Well, I don't have all day to sit around andread this manual you know."
HELPLINE: "Of course not. What do you expect us to doabout it?"
CUSTOMER: "I want you to send me one of the latestversions that goes fast and won't crash anymore!
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HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "Hi! I just bought my first car, and I choseyour car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks."
HELPLINE: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "How do I work it?"
HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?"
CUSTOMER: "Do I know how to what?"
HELPLINE: "Do you know how to DRIVE?"
CUSTOMER: "I'm not a technical person! I just want to goplaces in my car!"
