Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on the television. The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their television set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the bodypart where they wanted to be healed. Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain. Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch. Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead!"
Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
"Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Nope, sure ain't."
"Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?"
"Don't doubt it for a minute."
"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY for all eternity??"
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid??" asked Satan.
"Nope."
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
The woman watches these two go at it and is grossed out. She pukes all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat. The hillbilly pulls his overalls back up and says to the other,"You're right Leroy, that hind-lick maneuver works like a charm."
"I was out getting a tattoo."
"A tattoo? What kind of tattoo?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill tattooed on my penis."
"What the hell were you thinking? Why did you get a hundred dollar bill on your penis?"
"Well, number one, I like to watch my money grow... Number two, once in a while, I like to play with my money... And lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want!"
'Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook, It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.
Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude, Had just hit the bedroom, and reached for the lube When out on the lawn, there arose such a cry, That I lost my boner, and poor momma went dry.
Up to the window I sprang like an elf, Tore back the shade while she played with herself. The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built, Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer. With a fat little driver, half out of his sled, A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.
Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite. And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right. Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz, Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.
Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree, Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee. They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub, Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.
And then from the roof we heard such a clatter, As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder. I was donning my jacket to cover my ass, When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.
His suit was all smelly with perfume galore, He lookd like a bum and he smelled like a whore. "That was some brothel," he said with a smile, "The reindeer are pooped, and I'll just stay here awhile.
He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink, Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink. I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee, The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.
Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack, But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed. The first thing he found was a pair of false tits, The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.
A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find, And a six pair of panties, the edible kind. A bra without nipples, a penis extension, And several other things that I shouldn't even mention.
A fuck ring, a G-string, and all types of oil, A dildo so long, it lay in a coil. "This suff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit, So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split."
He filled every stocking and then took his leave, With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve. He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead, Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.
In time he was seated, took the reins of his hitch, Saying, "Take me home Rudolph, this night's been a bitch!" The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout, "The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!"
Sometimes .. when you cry ... no one sees your tears......
Sometimes... when you are in pain... no one sees your hurt...
Sometimes... when you are worried.... no one sees your stress......
Sometimes ... when you are happy ... no one sees your smile ......
But FART!! just one time...
