#25
#25 "Pep Talk" I don't know or care much about music. All I ask is to be able to turn on my radio when I paint my paintings and hear something halfway decent, but now in the late '90s that simple act is virtually impossible. With bands like Ben Folds Five, Sugar Ray, Matchbox 20, and Third Eye Blind clogging playlists how am I supposed to make good art? I'm not asking for much, just a semi-original sound, good lyrics, and a few tear jerking ballods per album. Okay so I like the chick songs on an album, what's wrong with that? I do my best work when the ballods are on. Look, I need music to motivate me and bands like Ben Folds Five motivate me to turn off my radio, to break my radio, to puke on my radio, but not to listen to my radio, and defintely not to paint. Hey rock wannabes, you have a void to fill. There is real money to be made here, labels are promoting ass wipes when they could be promoting you. That's right, you could be the next giant of rock and you will be if you simply take my advice. #1, limityour masturbation, build up a good load of cheese, it helps creativity. #2, Don't smoke as much dope as your normally do, it makes you paranoid which can be useful in an Oomagooma sort of way, but ultimately makes you sucky in a Grateful Dead sort of way (who's grateful that old goat is dead- I am that's who). Use crank if you have to do drugs, at least you'll get things done. #3, Fall in love with someone way better looking than you, then proceed to get dumped on your ass and broken hearted. You want to be in such mental anguish from this, that if you don't write a song, you will blow your brains out. What do you write about? The bitch that you got dumped you, you dumbass, and dont skimp on the melodrama, that's the stuff that puts you on the charts, but don't be pathetic either or you'll be Ben Folds Six. #4, You are going to see more records if your audience falls in love with you or at least wants to fu*k you. Quit with the Captain Crunch three times a day genius. #5, Listen to Daid Bowie albums from the time when he was dressing like a freak in the 70s it seems to be what's inspiring English bands now, and as we know, Kurt was way into it. #6, The only thing that will make you a rock God is if you are honest, so sing in your own voice, don't fall into the "I wanna be Kurt trap" like Bush, Silverchair etc. etc. ad nauseam. #7, Cut this sensitive male crap, women don't want to see men whining and crying on stage. They want to see a man who's not afraid to tease his hair, wear lipstick and tights and go prancing around the stage screaming about pussy. #8, There is nothing worse than this self conscious rock star that's been in vogue since the fall of heavy metal. No more thrift stores! #9, If you weren't born with an alcoholic dad who beat and raped you,then you are operating at a disadvantage, but you can make up for this lack in personal tragedy if you become a drug adict or if you kill somebody and are on the lam from the law. Even little things can be helpful, like getting caught at an airport with a gun. #10, Get a few friends together, rent a hotel room on your local strip and prceed to trash it. This is a skill that will prove indisposable later in life. Listen, do what you have to do to get there becuse I can't stand this crap on the radio anymore. I need you to succeed so I can succeed, I'm writing to you in earnest help so quit reading this magazine, dust off that blown out amp in your corner, untangle the three remaining strings on your tag sale guitar, put away the bong, quit squeezing your eclair, get down in that basement and practice you little shi*s.....NOW!!! your friend, sean