#20 "Soapsuds Afro" When I was going through puberty, I showered in my underwear most of the time because I couldn't deal with what was going on down there. One time I didn't take this precaution and to my dismay found myself unable to stop soaping my groin area.I tried to stop, I thought of every unstimulating thought could come up with. Monkeys riding tricycles holding red telephones with big smiles revealing their nasty looking gums. A fat lady farting and a skinny man keeling over as his bow tie spins in circles so fast it blurs to the eye. And the Skipper hitting Giligan with his hat, no not Ginger, not now! Mrs. Howell, yes, Mrs. Howell playing the accordion at the North Pole. The pope boxing a kangaroo and a psycho cutting off a kitty cat's lips with pinking shears. Uncle Fester laying down a hundred yard long dump on a football field while jamming hot dogs down his throat one after another. But nothing worked, and I lingered there woaping until I had taken on "new proportions" shall we say. I kept soaping it up until it had a big soapy ball of suds on the tip, it reminded me of a kind of soap suds afro on an albino jive turkey strutting down the street in the 1970s. I just kept soaping it as if nothing was unusual. This is just your ordinary soap sudded albino jive turkey here, nothing out of the ordinary about that, because being catholic I knew that not only Jesus could see me and my erection in the shower but my deceased relatives in heaven were all watching me too. So if I could just pretend this was just an innocent puppet show going on inside all of the soaping, I might be aple to steal an orgasm without suffering divine consequences. But justs I was in the throws of pre-ejaculation, the eye of my urethra opened up and swallowed a good bunch of soap in and the ensuing sting was so bad that I tried to flush it out with cold water but only managed to drive that soap down in further until my entire urethra was burning in protest of the soap. I remember fearing that I'd just ruined my penis and I knew I deserved it because I was after all doing the work of the devil. I apoligized to God in my head, but the pain didn't subside so then I tried praying to Jesus specifically because Jesus was human for thirty three years and maybe he'd be more forgiving than God. For all I knew, Jesus probably burned his own urethra with soap in the shower doing puppet shows before. I was king of sure there was something about that in the new testament. I didn't know, but my penis hurt so bad that I had to do something. Still dripping and soapy,I put a towel around my waist and ran downstairs to my parents, maybe they could help, maybe this was just an accident and not a punishing lightening bolt from God. When my parents saw their wet kid and his frantic story of a burning penis and albino jive turkey with a soapsuds afro, they had all they could do not to openly laugh at me. I didn't realize that my parents wouldn't be disgusted with me for conducting puppet shows in the soap suds theater, how could I have known it wasn't immoral and that I was in fact in no danger of eternal damnation for over lathering my jive turkey, and that no parent in their right mind would deny a kid this God given right. Wait a minute, why am I writing about this in a national publication with millions of readers? Damn it! Why do I always have to make a fool of myself like this, now I'm embarassed, my family's embarassed, Jesus! When am I going to learn to shut up. your friend sean
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