#26 "Love/Hate" I can not continue the charade of hating Spin readers any longer. I must admit to you beautiful people that I not only like you, but I care about you too. I want you all to grow up healthy, smart, not hooked on drugs, and wearing your condoms when you choose to 'responsibly' make love. I want to see empowered American youths leading prouctive, fruitful and satisfying lives. With both sexes, all races and religions coexisting equally and harmoniously. I want to see healthy, happy young people excited about the world they are inheriting, concerned with issues like the environment, race, health care, poverty, employment, and education. I care about the future of my country, and you boys and girls are America's 21st century. Grow up healthy, wealthy, and wise. Make America and your friend Sean proud. You probably had no idea that I like and care about young people this much, but I do. I hate to admit it because it's just not good comedy. So not that my mask is off, do you still want to read my column? I thought not. I don't even like reading this touchy feely rubbish. Therefore, I'm just going to go back to the abusive asswipe you've come to know me as and love...Listen up you dyslexic, stinky fingered, glue sniffing, cyber slut, UFO sighting, McDonald's farting, trailor trash morons. Get your homicidal hands off grandpa's gun collection and pay attention! Where do you get off sending me letters from your desperate little hick towns, offering me, sean landers, encouragement? I'm a genius for Christ sakes, I don't need 14 year olds in training bras and size small jock straps, writing me letters about life, I'm a 35 year old man, a savvy artist from New York. Believe it or not I know what I'm doing here, I actually am in control of my medium, get it? You are putty in my hands. My quitting was a cynical stuntjust to get mail. It worked, you sent more mail then Spin ever got. Genius Lesson one: you've been duped. Genius lesson two: I am a fraud. Genius Lesson three: you are idiots. I line my underwear with your girlie handwritten letters and do calisthenics. Yes, the very letters you send me with the bubble shaped hearts dotting the I's of your loopy lettered script, written in earnest from your tornado alley pink girlie bedrooms. Little did you know I was a weird ass creep with long yellow toenails, greasy blackhair, and have been wearing the same worn out black thong for the past two years. I smudge the ink of your cutesy little notes with my various excretions before I fall asleep among my malnourished dogs on a twelve year old wafer thin soiled futon in my rat hole apartment in downtown manhatten. As far as I'm concerned you're all from Jerk-Off, USA, where young people drive around in their parent's sh*t box of a car trying to feel excited about an existance that even the kids in remedial reading classes find meaningless. Your dreams amount to little more than those of a scratch ticket addicted schizophrenic's gumming stale doughnuts in the dumpster behind Krispey Kreme, which is to score a big chunk of cash and buy a bunch of stupid shi*t that ends up rusting in the weed strewn patch of dirt you call your front yard. As I look down at America I see each city and town as clusters of bacteria festering in a petrie dish. Each greasy teenager the nucleus in their single celled bedroom. Can't you see that the only thing you are capable of is to produce more cells like yourself until your town grows so large it bumps into the next and the next until the entire earth is wall to wall midnight rectum tickling, fetal alcohol syndrome, study hall majoring zombies, with dried fecal matter and snot caked under their nervously bitten fingernails. Stop this wanton reproduction. STOP THE MADNESS!!!....Well, I hope that did it for you kids. Now it's time for you to do your homework so you can go on to college and fullfill your American dream. That means, no sex or drugs on school nights, no drunk driving, and no date rape. That means ou Tiger. Affectionately, your friend Sean. P.S. Don'tyou think Genius Lessons would make a great animated series on MTV, VH1, or Comedy Central? You don't expect me to be on a last page forever do you?
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