My Story
By: Chrissy Phillips
Hi there! My name is Chrissy. I have known I have had Lupus for about 10 years now I reckon. I am writing this in hopes that someone out there will read it and know that they are not alone in the struggle to fight this sometimes terrible thing we call Lupus
First I'll tell ya a bit about me. I am now about to be 29 years old. I have three wonderful kids. Robbie is 10, Ryan is 9, and Sandi is 4. I am now divorced for the second time and live alone in what some people would call "the hood". Basically... I live in Public Housing because of my low income. But ya know what? GOD is the center of my life and I have faith that things are about to change for me and my kids. There are many blessings ahead for us!

Hmm lets see, the first time I ever heard the word Lupus was when I was about 18 and pregnant with my second child Ryan. I had been really sick for several months and was in the hospital undergoing so many tests that I don't even remember what all I was tested for. I just remember feeling like a human pincushion and that I just wanted to die and get it over with. But something in me said, "No Chrissy, you have to fight. You have a baby at home and another on the way. You gotta fight this girl!" So, I did. Tooth and nail I fought!
In my seventh month I was diagnosed with Lupus after nearly 4 months of being in the hospital going through tons of tests. My kidneys were failing and I still had three months to go before Ryan was due. My husband at the time, Stephen, was not dealing with things very good at all. He started drinking and even cheating on me. Deep inside I knew it was about to fail for he and I. But I had to keep my mind focused on getting that helpless baby born and give him a chance for life. On March 29, 1993 Ryan was born. That day I died.
For what the Dr.'s say was 4 minutes I was clinically dead. That 4 minutes seemed like a lifetime to me. I remember seeing them take Ryan and walk across the room with him and hearing his faint cry. I remember seeing my husband standing next to me and watching him pass out on the floor, then it got black. I got cold and then the brightest light I have ever seen appeared.
The sweetest sounds of babies playing and birds singing filled my ears. The most beautiful person I have ever laid eyes on was right in front of me telling me to go back. It was not time yet. "Chrissy, You've much to do still.. go back and fight Sweetheart.. Go back and live!" Then it got black
Two weeks later I woke up in ICU. From that day on it was a battle that I finally won. Eleven months later I was divorced and in remission finally. I moved from place to place trying to raise two small kids on my own and finally met my second husband.
This is where the Lupus flared up once again. Mark and I were not a good couple at all. He and I should have remained friends, in my opinion, but I know that GOD does thing for a reason and Mark was one thing that had to happen in my life to get me where I am today.
Mark was a child himself and the problems were not really just his fault. If you had met his mom you would understand why he was the way he was.He never kept a job, which forced me to work nearly 60 hours a week. Then I started having female problems and decided I was just going to have my tubes tied. Well, even though I had told Mark about not being able to have more kids he decided then that he wanted a child of his own.
I had been in remission for over 3 years and prayed long and hard till I finally just gave in and with an old family secret that time the next month I was 3 weeks pregnant. I went right to the Dr. and told them all about my health and they seemed confident that I would be just fine with extra attention. I went to the Dr. every week the whole time I was pregnant that time.
Five times Sandi tried to come early, but finally on February 11, 1998 she was born. All 4 lbs of her! She was healthy, but so tiny so we had to spend a few days in the hospital to let her gain some weight. The morning we were to be released I got a phone call from Mark's mom.
He was in the local jail and had told her that he had gotten into a fight at the local gas station the night before. I still can't believe she believed him! It turns out he had been caught at a truck stop doing things he need not be doing and was arrested for indecent exposure and had to spend the weekend in jail before I could get him out.
Once again my stress level went on the rise. We lost our car and our home. Were forced to move back in with my parents that are both drunks.
I had surgery twice to get my tubes tied so that I did not bring any more kids into what I knew was a really messed up life I was living. Sandi was 3 months old and I had just had surgery a month before and already I was back at work again. Mark, still not keeping a steady job and still taking off all the time for hours was a constant source of stress for me. But I was convinced that I was NOT going to fail again! I would NOT be divorced again! Even if I had to do everything.
On November 8th in 1998 I had a seizure and lost between 4 and 6 years of my memory. We had just gotten home from church and I went to the back of the house to get something, according to Mark, and finally he noticed I had been gone too long. He came looking for me and found me in the bedroom floor. After about 10 minutes of shaking me and calling my name he got me awake and I had no idea where I was or who he was.
I walked through the house seeing things I knew were mine but didn't know why they were there. I even tried to call who I thought was still my husband Stephen and got a lady I never even heard before. Mark tried to calm me down. He showed me the boys sleeping in their beds, but that only made things worse. They were 5 and 6 then. Not what I remembered at all.I finally went crazy and we fought till I slammed him into a wall and ran out the front door of the house and down the road. Not knowing where I was and in the middle of the might I stopped and prayed that GOD please help me.Finally I walked back to the house and into the back door grabbing a can of spray starch because I was afraid of this man that I knew from long ago, but NOT as my husband at all! He was on the phone with the police. And then he called my parents that lived about 30 miles from us. I was scared to death. He was holding Sandi and she would not even come to me. She knew there was something wrong. I locked myself in the bathroom closet and cried like a baby.
I thought I had lost my mind. Soon the EMT's and police came and busted the doors in to get to me. I was taken to the hospital and once again used as a human pincushion. Tests for drugs and brain scans. And even mental tests to see if I had slipped off my rocker. They found a tiny spot in my brain that had been damaged.
I was released to my parents because I didn't want to go home with Mark. The next two weeks I was at the Dr.'s every day. Finally they put me on Dilantin and gave me some nerve pills and told me to try to go on with life as normal as it was to bring back the memory I had lost.
So, I went back home with Mark. I made my family and Mark leave me with Sandi so that I could get to know her. And I got to know my sons again. Some of the memory has come back, but I still don't remember everything. I think it's GOD's way of showing me love, cause most of it I am told I don't really want to know anyway! Mark and I still didn't get along. He was convinced that it was my family that caused our problems and wanted to move back to south GA where his family was. I thought that maybe there he would keep a job cause his family was there and he wants them to think he is something he's not so we went.
That next year was like Hell on Earth for me and my kids. Mark tore my home to pieces when he got angry. He beat my son and left marks on him so bad I had to keep him out of school for a week. We went to church and marriage classes and even some therapy to try to make things work. In that I found out that he in fact had been cheating on me the whole time we had been together. And He didn't know if he could live his life not knowing if he would wake up next to a dead woman or not.
Once again I was sick, and still was married to a man that didn't know how to deal with it. I found a site on the net for women with Lupus and that is where I met Cathy. She was then, and still is, a great source of love and support for me.
I had met many wonderful ladies from a Christian Mom's chat room as well. All of them and the folks from my church finally convinced me I was not a failure just because my marriage to Mark had failed.
I moved back in with my parents in North GA in January of 2000. There I had nothing. I left everything I had worked for with Mark just because I did not want to fight with him anymore. I got a job thanks to a friend I knew from the mom's chat room and started getting my life back together.
From that job I got another one doing the same thing with another company. And then was offered a promotion along with a move to Colorado. I thought about it long and prayed about it even longer and then one day I just packed me and three kids into a U-Haul and moved 1500 miles from everything that was about to take me under once again. In my folks home I had no authority over my kids or myself for that matter. It was the way my Dad said, or no way. I knew I had to get out of there and fast before I lost who I was.
Still in the Christian chat room's I found that people liked me, just for who I am. And in Colorado it was just me and GOD that made the decisions for my life. Well, being flesh still I made a few of my OWN choices and got mixed up in a big mess. I ended up leaving Colorado for all the wrong reasons and moving all over the USA, and finally ending up right back in Georgia where I started, in January of 2001. Only that time, I was back in South GA and I lost my boys. They now live with their Father, Step Mother, and Grand Daddy. I see them every other weekend, but it still not the same life. I might not be much in this life of mine but I am a good mother... and I love ALL of my kids... biological and "adopted" alike. I know deep in my heart that letting the boys live with their Father was the best thing for them at the time. I know that Stephen can provide for them better then I can, money wise that is. And I know that as long as their Grand Daddy is alive and living there, they will be well taken care of. So, for now... til I am out of this "whole" I have gotten myself into... this is best. Sandi and I live day-to-day most of the time... depending on the Lord for all that we need. So far, HE has not let us down :o)
For the past year my life has been... interesting, needless to say! So many things have changed and at the same time are just the same. I had a BAD flare up that started in July of 2001 and I JUST now got back into remission. It was a LONG haul, but with good Doctor's and wonderful friends that really DO love me no matter what... and the Father above... I made it ! Not without a BIG sacrifice though. One that I never want to go through again either. Let me explain...
In May of 2001 a really good friend of mine came to see me from the other side of Georgia. Someone that I had known and talked to for over two years at the time but had never met in person. We tried... but failed miserably several times. Thinking about it now, I am glad GOD made us wait. Because neither of us at that time were ready for what was about to happen in our "friendship". This person knew all there was to know about the events of my scattered life. For some reason... when I got to a point in life that I needed a shoulder to cry on... someone to laugh with.. or just someone to talk to, he was there. Out of the blue, he would show up in the chat rooms looking for me or asking about me. I would get messages from my friends in the room that "he" was in there asking about me. So, I'd wait around and see if he showed. I listened to him talk about the problems with his ex... how he missed his nephew and was frustrated because the child's mother wouldn’t let him spend time with him... the new job he was taking and the move he would have to make. I listened to the things he didn't really say and watched the way he was so tender with his words. He was a true friend.Finally, in May 2001,he asked if he could come see me. I thought about making excuses and getting out of it. I didn't want someone coming to see me in the projects! And I was scared to death. But I stopped... and I prayed about it... and GOD gave me peace. So, I said yes and he came on over after work on a Friday night. Since then, we have been back and forth to one another's homes across GA and back. That wonderful friendship has turned into a loving relationship. And get this.... I have been sick most all the time we have been together... and he HAS NOT RUN FOR THE HILLS !!!!! He has been right here for me as best as he can through everything... and says he has NO intentions of leaving anytime soon! It has been rough on us both though. The Lupus causes so many mood swings for me. Days I feel like I’m lower then dirt and not worthy of anyone’s love. And then Days I am so hyper and happy that it is hard for anyone to keep up with me. I had some serious problems with my right kidney not working. Then they found 7 stones blocking the passageways. Surgery to blast them cleared that up... but then I had to go on more meds to help the kidney grow back to its "normal" size. I got pregnant too. Yes, even after I had surgery twice in 98 to get fixed. At about 6 and a half weeks along, on March 12th 2002, we lost the baby though. My body just was not strong enough to carry it. And again I had to have MORE surgery to fix where the left tube had come UNDONE. I thought for sure that loosing the baby would tear he and I apart, but as the Bible says... "What GOD has joined together, let no man put asunder" And here we are , still working on things, but still together. He is unlike any man I have ever known. And even if it does not turn into what I am hoping for... I know my life has been blessed to have him in it.
So, once again, Lupus has tried to pin me down and not let me back up again. But, it seems to keep forgetting how STONG willed I am to survive... that I have GOD the Father on MY side... that I have a man like Lowell to love me though the rough times.... kids that give me reason to live... friends like Rhonda that are right there at a moments notice no matter what the reason... and a future so bright and bold that I can't even see all of it from here. I know I have a long way to go... but with the above mentioned people in my life and my Faith in the Lord I love so much... I will make it sooner or later. I know I will have bad days... weeks.. maybe even months... but I also know that I won't give up. I can't. It's not "my time".

That is my story, up until today that is. I have found that the one and only thing that can help you fight this awful battle with Lupus is the good Lord above. Having him in my life is what keeps me going. He gave me kids to live for. He gave me trials to learn from, and now He has given me love to last forever from friends that I KNOW I can depend on and trust. And hopefully from the man that holds my heart in the palm of his hand. I pray that you too can find this kind of happiness. And know that even on sick days, if you just look to Him, you'll be ok. We may have Lupus but we still have a life to live. Go out, Live it, and make the most of it. God Bless you and yours!

Chrissy Phillips May 2002

chrissyking26@hotmail.com ~ For those who might want to keep in touch :o)