----- 06/09/05, Thursday, 1:44PM, Columbus, OH -----
I need to keep this journal. It has helped me in the past, and I have recently discovered that I need something like this to help me express myself, and I will go crazy.
I come from a small town in Indiana. Born and rasied there... a place I now dispise. My childhood memories are wrought with many bad experiences. Most people look for a good story from someone, the only thing I could give them were my interpretation of a bad situation that made it funny. The stories themselves are not pleasant, and I have few that are.
My life is full of mistakes and hardship, yet I'm still here, and I'm still fighting. Why do I fight and persist? Because I have hope for a better world; a better place to live. There is more out there than what I can see, I know it... and I will find God at the end of the road.
I think I'm just going to tell stories, and say what's on my mind from here on out. God has taught me more from communicating myself in ways like this, than anything else. Once I get done with one of these sections, I feel much better, and more focused. Besides, I would like to write a book in the future, and this is always good practice.
I met a woman recently... the most captivating woman I have ever seen. Her name is Audrey. I just moved to Ohio about 2 months ago, and I met her a few weeks ago. She is... amazing. I was unable to believe at first that someone could consume my thoughts so much after knowing her for only a short time, but it happened. For now though, I would just like to be her friend. As experience has shown in my last 2 relationships, I've found that I was relying on her for my validation and strength as a man, instead of going to her to offer my validation and strength as a man. I cannot rely on a woman for those things because not only will she not give me what I'm truely seeking... she does not have them to give. God instills that in men, not women... and my strength needs to be drawn from God, so that others can rely on me for that strength, courage, and hope. Few real men exist anymore. Like in the song by Paula Cole, "Where have all the cowboys gone?"... good question.
Being a man does not mean you have a nice car, or lots of money, or can hold a tennis racket between your butt cheeks (meaning that someone is physically powerful). The real test of a man is when he is tested as a warrior. I love what Robin of Locksley says in Robin Hood (with Kevin Costner)... "I've seen knights in armor panic at the first hint of battle and I've seen a lowly unarmed squire pull a spear from his own body to defend a dying horse. Nobility is not a birthright, it's defined by one's actions." A man is designed by God to be a hero. You can find the richest and most powerful men on the planet cower at simple things, and you can find men with the salt of the earth, who are fierce and fearless warriors. You can find both types in both arenas, I'm not saying that one's path in life defines who you are... I'm saying that courage and commitment are farfetched ideas in today's world.
I want to offer my strength to a woman, but it does not stop there. I have bigger plans than just her. I want to offer that same strength to my family, my friends... I want others to be able to rely on that from me. When they see me, they'll say, "Chris is a leader and a passionate warrior... a romantic at heart." Passion seems to drive my life's course. I read a book once that said, "Don't ask yourself what the world needs, instead ask yourself what makes you come alive, and then go do that, because the world needs people who have come alive."
So many times I think my journey and purpose is to awaken those that have fallen asleep. At one time in my life, I had people who relied on my passion to push them, but I found myself exhausted after so much time because I was trying to draw strength on my own. I now realize that can make a man miserable, until he accepts that he was designed to live in peace with God. That's where that validation and strength will come from. Most of us men have received terrible wounds from our dads. Our dads never let us know that we were powerful and have what it takes. Most men, whether they portray it or not, are afraid that they don't have what it takes to do many things. Women deal with different things than men, and so they cannot fully understand what it is we need. Men will understand what I'm saying though.
It makes me curious though, as to what I see myself as a man. I know I am still afraid of many things, but I must fight and overcome those. Six years ago, if you had spoken to me, I would have started convulsing and had to throw up if you had said "Hello," to me. Today, I will go out of my way to talk with people, and enjoy spending time in conversation with others. I have this deep desire to know the hearts of other people. That is partially why I have decided to go back to college and get my degree in psycology. I'm going to specialize in family and marriage counseling. It will, hopefully, allow me the opportunity to get to know the inner workings of others.
Well, I have to go to work now. I work a schedule of 3pm-midnight. It really sucks. I hate it most of the time. More or less, I just listen to people's problems when they don't understand how to plug a cord in a receptor on a computer. They get a DSL modem... and it's entitle "Self-Install Kit". They call me before opening the package. Am I the only one that does not get that? Is there something I'm missing? They want assistance installing their SELF-install kit... a kit with step-by-step, instructions with pictures and audio on the CD. Unbelievable. I didn't know people like that existed, so it's a great learning experience.
----- 06/11/05, Saturday, 10:22AM, Columbus, OH -----
I'm a big fan of dramatic late entrances. I don't know why either. Many times, I feel like I want to be in the background, but there is something inside me that wants to be the center of attention. Why would I want to stay away from the group, yet want to be in the center of attention?
I guess I'll do what I always do, just analyze and see how I feel. Ok, so last night, I walked into this group study 15 mintues late on purpose, because I love those last minute entrances... and partially because then I know there are certain people who will talk with me within the span of a few minutes... and I know if I don't show up late, they'll talk with me when I get there, and then eventually I become a prop on the stage that everyone knows is there, but doesn't really see. Interesting. Anywho... I arrive late, and when the study begins, I intentionally sit in the back away from the group. Now I have to freeze frame right there because I have always done that. Well... I feel like I would be sucked in as just another person in a large group. But staying away from the group, I can be myself. I'm not sure why I don't feel comfortable being accepted into a group like that. If I am involved in the group, I want to be leading it, not following. I will ponder this more in the future.
So many people are moving out now that the school year is ending. I pray to God that some interesting people move in, and then maybe I can make some new friends close by. It's always annoying how lonliness always gets to me, even though I have more real, personally close friends than most people even dream of. I think it might have something to do with Audrey. No, I know is has something to do with Audrey. She's leaving for the summer. She just does these little things... that brighten my life. She has to leave. I take that back, she doesn't have to leave. I care about Audrey, but geez... that girl, as much as she acts like she has no fear, is scared to death. The only reason she's leaving this summer is to go to her parents' house because they've been providing for all her expenses during college and they want to see their children for the summer. She doesn't want to go back, I can tell. She would probably spend all summer reading books from the library, and I think that appeals to her more than going home. I would teach her how to get the school to pay for her education, but she seemed very reserved about that. She talks the big talk about becoming independent from her parents, but when it comes down to it... no guts. So irritating sometimes.
But I care about her... and I don't want her to leave, and I already miss her. I wrote her this letter and gave it to her with explicit instructions not to be opened until she reaches her destination. Inside I told her how I felt about her, and asked her for the opportunity to get to know her better. She really hides things from people. When I talk to her, I can tell there is a lot she's not telling me. Either that she tells no one, or that she is afraid of me... or maybe... she tells no one because she's afraid of herself. That sounds more plausible. She's always portraying to me that I need to relax and quit thinking so deeply on things... enjoy life. She's right. I think she needs to quit relaxing so much and start thinking deeply on things. Two sides to the coin.
Heh... Robin Hood... Prince of Thieves. So funny, as it's the only movie Christian Slater is in where he doesn't get some. A good movie, however, to show how we all need something that is worth fighting for... that is worth risking everything for. Passion is a long lost art, and few live their life by it anymore. I refuse to live my life without being passionate for something... anything. I do hope that as I push to be a man who is 'alive'... that others can find their own passion through it. I ask God for that.
----- 06/13/05, Monday, 10:28PM, Columbus, OH -----
I'm at work right now. So terribly bored. My friend Josh, and I, are possibly going back to my apartment tonight to watch this totally kickass anime I just downloaded. Oh man... it totally kicks ass. Did I mention that it kicks ass? No? Well... I'll tell ya one thing... it kicks ass.
I learned something really valuable today... I am all I have ever wanted to be. It just hit me really hard today that I have changed so much in 2 months, it would blow most people away. I have never felt so confident and fearless in my life. I didn't realize how much I used to worry about, and I'm not concerned with what others think of me. I remember that I used to act all sophisticated, and now I've shrugged that off because I don't care. I don't need to try to be such a disestablishmentarianist (wow, that's the first time I've naturally used that in a sentence); I am a man. In some aspects, I'm going to be like other people... I still have to eat, I still have to take a shower, I still have to wipe my own ass... well, for now.
I'm just letting the world feel the weight of who I am, and then letting the world deal with it. Ever since I've done that, I've noticed a slight jump in charisma with other people. They seem to be attracted by it. The world is my bitch. Believe it.
----- 06/14/05, Tuesday, 9:10PM, Columbus, OH -----
I'm at work again tonight, and a question came to mind... am I fun? Am I an interesting person to be around? Do I tell good stories? Do I do and say things that make people feel like they want to be around me?
I'm not really sure about all those things. I mean, on top of that, what if I were in a relationship with a woman... what would make her want to stay around me? I suppose if I really pondered what kind of person I want to be... I would want to be a good story teller. Comedians are good story tellers, that's why people like them so much. When I'm telling a story I really feel, I notice I use my hands often and get very involved and lively. It would be good to do that more often. I think I'll call up some friends and ask them if they think I am interesting... hopefully, they'll be honest with me.
I think Audrey lied to me. I know she contradicts herself often, but one thing really doesn't add up. She told me in a conversation once that she was not prepared or looking for a relationship. Then, one week later, she tells me she's seeing someone. Funny thing is, I have never heard of, nor seen, this guy at any time or place. Nor has anyone that knows Audrey. I was talking with the ladies in the office at my rental apartments today (Miss Dee... she's real nice)... and I told her a little about the situation and she thought it was strange. Audrey moved to her parents' house for the summer, and is coming back to school in the fall. Dee said she comes in and talks to them all the time, but never once has mentioned this guy she's seeing. On top of that, leaving for 3 months and she never even mentioned anything like, "My boyfriend's upset about it,"... doesn't really add up. She doesn't talk about him, and there are no traces of this guy in her apartment... and this is a girl that takes LOTS of pictures. I've never seen one of this guy, Toby, she speaks of. I've seen many of her rabbit though... it is a cute rabbit, I'll grant her that. But the point is, she has more video of her family and her rabbit than of this guy. Screw that... she has more ANIME!!... than photos of this guy. No joke.
Maybe I'm just crazy. I could very well be psycotic, but if she is lying to me... for some strange, stupid, retarded reason... I like that. Why do I like that?! That's preposterous!! She's such a scared little girl though... I have this feeling something happened to her, and she just doesn't talk about it, and doesn't think about it. I can honestly say, there are many other girls I could go after that would be so much easier to control and keep calm... but I love that she's so free. It's like this wild lioness, and I'm hunting her with a spear. That fucking turns me on. That is totally hot. Even though, the weird thing is... I've never really looked at Audrey in a sexual way. Not that I don't think she's attractive, it's just that I love who she is SO much more than that. I get goofy excited just thinking about it.
I have this baseball bat at my apartment. I strapped a 5-pound leg weight on the end of it. I've been swinging it around to gain more arm and hand strength, not only because I want more arm and hand strength... but I have a goal to be able to weild a massive two-handed sword someday. I'll be a fuckin' beast! I'll go out in the woods with that thing... make Paul Bunyan my bitch. I will make things kosher with it... whatever that means. Anyway, I gotta' get back to work.
----- 06/15/05, Wednesday, 2:59PM, Columbus, OH -----
I decided to call in late to work today. I just need this quiet relax time every now and again, and today was one of those days.
I want to get straight to the point here. There's something seriously weighing on my mind... and it happened last Friday night. Please don't get me wrong, I don't feel any jealousy towards this person, I just want to know one question... what the hell? We were at college group, messianic jewish get-together Friday. There was some good discussion going on, and a great deal of deep thought. I even gained the courage to stand up and say a few things myself. I said some really deep things, that I could totally see that no one else had thought of, other than Mike, Alan, Josh, and this new guy I met named Sam. So I was hoping that it would hit someone. Anyway, later on during the discussion, this new guy, Scott I think his name was, made this anology about fried fish. Yes, you read that correctly, fried fish. Now, I was listening, and before he was even finished, I knew what his analogy was referring to... that being seasoning on fried fish is how God seasons us... blah blah blah. Some kinda' shit you hear 14 times a day in every christianese church in the western world. Ok... now get this... repeatedly, I had to hear about how awesome this fried fucking fish analogy was! I mean, how stoned do you need to be? It was a good anology yes... for people who have absolutely no concept of how God works. I was under the impression, upon going to this group study, that everyone there knew something about God. I'm not saying I know very much, but, praytell, I know enough to know that I can make up any food analogy on any topic you give me.
For example, I'll do one right now. I like cookies. Love to eat cookies. However, I don't like to eat cookies unless I have a hardy glass of milk. The cookies will just be dry, and won't taste as good. The milk sweetens the flavor, and helps wash everything down. Just as we need the milk of the Word of God to help flavor and understand the complex teachings, visa vi, the cookies. Holy shit... I just made an analogy. Take it and preach to the world about it.
I just got a little cheesed that everyone was blowing up over this fish anology, and nothing I had to say made any difference, even though it was much deeper and more thought out. I know I presented it well, but I think there were two problems. One, I know some of the people there have shit against me, and they're too coward-like to step up and say it. So, because of that, they won't listen to me much anyway. And second... something's telling me... that they didn't understand what I was saying anyway. I started ask myself, "Is it possible, that I may know more than I think I do?" Because, I don't think I know a damn thing... about much at all. It's like every new door you open in knowledge, leads you to a room with 10 other doors in a never-ending hallway. It's just that... maybe people really don't know some of the things I know, or maybe I see things differently, and it's hard for others to see it as I do. I don't know.
----- 06/25/05, Saturday, 12:39PM, Columbus, OH -----
I found an answer. I've been in two relationships in my life. Together, they both averaged about a year in length. In both, I felt like I had to babysit. It was a cold day in hell before I could get either of these girls to make up their mind about something... espeicially when it came to future plans. These were bigtime daddy's girls. Very annoying. There's nothing wrong with loving your dad, but when you base all your plans around him... that's irritating. Anyway, these two relationships, I really got backstabbed. These girls were messed up, and some serious issues they would never deal with. I should never have been involved with them.
After being treated the way I did with each of them, I'm afraid of ever getting back into a relationship with someone. Because... the relationship is not what I really want. I want, that I have so far only been able to define as, companionship. A person to accompany and associate with. I don't like lying down at night, rolling over, and no one's there. No one to talk with, listen to, and hold. But as much as I want that, I feel to afraid to trust someone as much as I have in the past. Besides... I want someone I can have a conversation with, laugh and play with... but to know that no matter where I go or what I do... she'll be there if and when I need her. And no matter where she goes or what she does... I'll be there if and when she needs me.
I really don't know what else to say about that right now. I just feel like very few understand what I've just written.
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