PWL HOUSE SHOW RESULTS - FEBRUARY 25, 2000.

From the Arthur Brewster Center, Du Quoin, Illinois.

• The show begins with PWL President GENE WEST and THE TRAIN out in the ring to the cheers of the crowd. Train has kind words towards his WRESTLERAMA 14 opponent, but changes his tune when said opponent, World heavyweight champion THE TERROR, appears in the entranceway to verbally assault the PWL Legend. As Terror enters the ring, the exchange of ideas continues. As West looks on, the talk becomes louder and more agitated, when the disco version of Also Sprach Zarathustra is piped through the speakers, and North American champion COOLEROY makes his presence known. Cooleroy speaks of how he's been in the PWL through all of its ups and downs. "If anyone deserves to be called a PWL Legend, it's me," he tells Train. "If there is one true heavyweight champion in the PWL, it's me, too," he says, turning his direction toward Terror. Just when things couldn't get any more hectic, the theme from Dolemite is heard, and sure enough, here comes HUMAN TORNADO. Thanks to an oversight by The PWL Suits, Tornado has been granted shots at both heavyweight titles this evening. While rhyming, Tornado makes threatening comments concerning Cooleroy, Train, and Terror, and that at the end of the night, he will be the only PWL Legend, and the only PWL heavyweight champion.
• In the opening contest of the night, DR. DEMENTIA pinned BOOMPAW in 2:29.
• The contest between BEN TRAYMOR and POTATO SALAD JIMMY ended in a no-decision in 2:03 when GRIMACE stormed the ring and attacked both wrestlers. He grabbed the house microphone, made several comments regarding announcer GUY SMILEY's alleged lifestyle choices, called KERMIT THE FROG a "putrid, green retard who never made it big in commercial television," and demanded some French fries with the blood of MAYOR McCHEESE "for dipping purposes," before being hauled off by PWL Security.
• Backstage, Terror complained to DARK ANGEL about the lack of space in the portable refrigerator that the PWL gave him for his birthday. Also, FAT ALBERT prepares for his match with THE PILLARS OF PAIN by drinking a bottle of ketchup, M. KLEATS and FOOT beat up SNAP and CRACKLE and take their Rice Krispies away, and SKELETOR and ORKO play Pac-Man on an Atari 2600 they bought at MRS. BUTTERWORTH's garage sale.
• In Match the Third, Midgets' World champion CAP'N CRUNCH completes the trifecta, the triple crown, the triangle, and so on by pinning POP in 4:12 to remain the champion. Snap and Crackle were not at ringside to help their mate, they being in the back still feeling the effects of the Kleats-Foot beatdown. Crunch celebrated his much-expected win by lighting a box of old Fruity Marshmallow Krispies on fire and throwing it at Pop. Pop escaped injury, but sadly, his wacky hat was hurt badly and was humanely destroyed by PWL Firearms Personnel.
• The next bout saw World cruiserweight champion STARSHINE HIPPIE pin BILL (formerly of the Fat Albert Gang) in 3:44. Starshine was in control the entire way, and did not have to use his trademark finishing move for the victory. After this match, MONDO MBAMBA made his way to ringside and escorted Bill to the back, much as he did with Rudy last week.
• Backstage, THE PILLARS OF PAIN took turns playing Video Pinball on the Atari, as Skeletor consoled a crying Orko, who sobbed that the big boys were being mean to him again. Also, Cap'n Crunch took a leak on a box of Rice Krispies while shouting, "Why ain't you talking now, you filthy bastards?"
• In the North American tag title match, champions RUFUS VAN PELT and BILLY JO JIVE took charge and remained the champions with pinfall victory over "Road Pigg" FRANK JAMES and FILTH E. PIGG. The Piggies were in control of the match when they were distracted by a fight between "Sweet" SUSIE SUNSET and MISS PIGGY, as anyone would be when a woman and a pig get into a scuffle. Anyhow, RVP and BJJ seized the opportunity and administered a beating of epic proportions on the challengers, and RVP secured the pin of Road Pigg at precisely the 9:47 mark.
• In what was definitely Match of the Evening, North American heavyweight champion COOLEROY wrestled HUMAN TORNADO to a 30-minute draw. Both grapplers went all-out, yet did not resort to the outside chicanery which has become almost standard in Tornado's recent matches. The usually jaded/bored/sickened/drunk PWL crowd were moved to raucous applause. There were, in fact, so many positive reciews about this match that we couldn't possibly list them on a puny report like this, so we'll just move on.
• In more goofy backstage antics, GOLEM got mad because Cap'n Crunch accidentally tripped over the Atari and disconnected it, right as Golem was going to beat QUARTZ in a game of Home Run. Additionally, Mondo Mbamba was overwhelmed by panic for not coming up with Bill's new gimmick yet, and took his frustrations out by dumping a can of RC Cola over one of Miss Piggy's wigs.
• In the Two-on-One-but-Not-Really-a-Handicap-Match, FAT ALBERT defeated both PILLARS OF PAIN, as the two were still in a bad mood over their video game being ruined at the hands of a drunken, disgusting little midget who thinks he's great because he's been champion for a long time but the only reason The Terror keeps him around is strictly for laughs. Back to the actual match participants, much of Fat Albert's offense consisted of sitting on the POP, and backing into them at the right time. It was enough, though, as Albert was able to pin Quartz in 10:29 to put the bout in the books.
• Though they are not officially World tag team champions, THE SEXECUTIONERS can make a claim to something of that effect. Their no-DQ contest with reiging champions NC-17 ended with a double-pin. DIRK MERCURY pinned DON JEREMY at 25:55, exactly the same time BUCK NAKED pinned TRIPLE X. Being wishy-washy types and muttering something about the match being "essentially a draw," The PWL Suits announced that because of some rule they most likely made up because it'll make for great re-matches in the future, NC-17 are still your World tag team champions. Oh, the match was pretty good, what with the no-DQ rule, paving the way for lots of blood and what-have-you.
• At long last (at least in the eyes of the recapper), it was time for The Main Event. World heavyweight champion THE TERROR defended against HUMAN TORNADO, who had been worn down earlier in the evening in the match with Cooleroy. Tornaod made a fight of it, though, pulling out some impressive aerial moves nobody thought he could perform, and yes, indeedy, there were two-counts aplenty. That much-needed three-count, however, was grabbed away by The Terror, who got a little help from DARK ANGEL, who ran the standard interference outside the ring, as well as the Terror Spike, which is a legal move performed inside the ring, don't you know. Terror retained the World champeenship strap in 16:45. The show concluded with some nifty hi-jinks involving Terror, Train, Human Tornado, Miss Piggy's wigs, Cap'n Crunch hat, a mop, and a container of Right Guard.