The next PWL World heavyweight champion will be crowned Sunday, December 26, when the PWL stages a sixteen-man tournament to determine the next champ. The World title has, of course, stood vacant since previous champion Ronald McDonald left the PWL. PWL President Gene West, with the help of the PWL Suits, have chosen the sixteen men that will compete for the most important championship in the history of professional wrestling, sports-entertainment, and anything remotely associated with athletics and show business. The sixteen men are, in no particular order:
As you can see, the PWL has brought in some old and new faces to the heavyweight division. After a one-year absence, Wilson Fisk has returned to the organization. He promises to cause as much trouble to his opponents as can be pre-determined and booked by the scriptwriters. Also, the man responsible for making the wrestlers such rousing successes in the ring, Big Stewie, is taking an on-air, in-ring role with the company. Stewie has not only been given credit for the grappling prowess of M. Kleats, The Sexecutioners, Seth, Waffle House, and NC-17 (among countless others), but The Terror himself has credited Big Stewie and Joe the Giant for helping him on the way to raising hell all over the wrestling universe.
Also returning is Mr. Sandman. While he may not have the in-ring credentials of other heavyweights in the other organization, he has a really great name and is the only guy we have seen who even comes close to out-drinking Joe the Giant and Fat Albert. Speaking of the name, we made that up long before that other beloved drunk began using the Sandman name. We have nothing against him, as he embodies everything for which the PWL stands, whatever that may be. We're just saying we thought of it first.
In the tag ranks, please welcome from the mean streets of south St. Louis, Missouri, The Fabulous Horner Brothers! The first two to enter the PWL are Butch Horner and Old Weird Horner, both of whom look suspiciously like PWL employees we saw until recently. They say there are Horner brothers aplenty, so this may be just the beginning of the Horner Invasion.
Another new tandem gracing the PWL is The Piggies, consisting of longtime cruiserweight contender Filth E. Pigg and former TV jobber "Road Pigg" Frank James. They, along with Ultimo Puerco and valet/manager/wrestler Miss Piggy, form The Drunken Swine.
Hamburglar has decided to stay with the PWL and compete in the midgets division. There are no bad feelings between him and Ronnie Mac, HB just decide to strike out on his own and hope to bring home the gold. Of course, he'll have to take it away from his fellow hoarder of foodstuffs, the evil Cap'n Crunch. Speaking of Crunch, he still pledges allegiance to The Terror and his PWL Pit long after Terror and the rest of the PWL stopped giving a crap about it.
New to the PWL Midgets group is Cousin Itt. According to exclusive tape recordings made by the PWL in 1995, Cousin Itt may or may not be related to The Terror. More news on that if we still care about that angle in a week or two.
We have received word that a Mrs Butterworth-wannabe, going by the name of Aunt Maple, is making appearances in the southern Illinois area, probably capitalizing on the popularity of the PWL reigning Queen of Sticky, Oozing Substances. The PWL advises you not to take Maple's claims extremely seriously.
Speaking of sticky, oozing substances... on second thought, maybe we shouldn't.
The PWL has introduced a new television program, "PWL Major League Wrestling." It appears on St. Louis flagship KQSP (Q-TV), and we hope to add new affiliates shortly. Also, our Sunday night radio program is now running in DuQuoin, Illinois, on "The DuQuoin Powerhouse" WBDI-AM-FM. We dare you folks down there to listen to the show. If you do, we would love to hear what you think of it. Or maybe not.
That's all the new our scriptwriters came up with at the last moment. We'll be back next time we get drunk and make up other things. Until then, thanks for stopping by PWL ONLINE.