HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL
* Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook
of your left arm as if holding a baby.
Position right forefinger and thumb on
either side of cat's mouth and gently
apply pressure to cheeks while holding
pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth,
pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close
mouth and swallow.
* Retrieve pill from floor and cat from
behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and
repeat process.
* Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw
soggy pill away.
* Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle
cat in left arm holding rear paws
tightly with left hand. Force jaws open
and push pill to back of mouth with
right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a
count of 10.
* Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and
cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse
from garden.
* Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly
between knees, holding front and rear
paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat.
Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly
with one hand while forcing wooden ruler
into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub
cat's throat vigorously.
* Retrieve cat from curtain rail. Get
another pill from foil wrap. Make note
to buy new ruler and repair curtains.
Carefully sweep shattered figurines from
hearth and set to one side for gluing
later.
* Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse
to lie on cat with its head just visible
from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in
drinking straw, force cat's mouth open
with pencil and blow down drinking
straw.
* Check label to make sure pill not
harmful to humans, drink glass of water
to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to
spouse's forearm and remove blood from
carpet with cold water and soap.
* Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get
another pill. Place cat in cupboard and
close door onto neck to leave head
showing.
Force mouth open with dessert spoon.
Flick pill down throat with elastic
band.
* Fetch screwdriver from garage and put
door back on hinges. Apply cold compress
to cheek and check records for date of
last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away
and fetch new one from bedroom.
* Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from
tree across the road. Apologize to
neighbor who crashed into fence while
swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill
from foil wrap.
* Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with
garden twine and bind tightly to leg of
dining table. Find heavy duty pruning
gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open
with small spanner. Push pill into mouth
followed by large piece of fillet steak.
Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint
of water down throat to wash pill
down.
* Get spouse to drive you to emergency
room; sit quietly while doctor stitches
fingers and forearm and removes pill
remnants from right eye. Stop by
furniture shop on way home to order new
table.
* Arrange for vet to make a house call
