Making Memories

I heard a pastor make this comment at a funeral: "The hole you feel in your heart, because your loved one is no longer with you, will be gradually filled and you will be comforted with the memories of the experiences you shared."
I kept thinking, "Well then, what will fill the hole in my heart?" That question has plagued my thoughts. When a baby dies at or shortly after birth there has been no chance to create memories or share experiences that will fill the hole. Those parents are left instead with a multitude of "should-have-been's" that seems to grow as the days pass.

I think the hole in a mother's life when her child has died is the same gigantic wound, regardless of the child's age. However, it seems that the amount of time spent with that child changes the shape of that hole. It changes the way the wound heals.

It is a need, a drive, and a desire of nearly every mother who's lost a child to have tangible evidence of that child's life and to have their child remembered by others. When that child is an infant, and has died at or shortly after birth, there is so very little tangible evidence. Often, very few people have even seen the baby, and that makes it more difficult for the parents. There are no shared experiences, no memories of times with the child. Nothing that others can say about them - they never knew them. It leaves no real void in other's lives, which makes it easier for them to move on and forget that the parents can't. The parents live with a huge void, one that isn't being filled, as that pastor stated by 'experiences shared'. That need - to have that child remembered is as real and unrelenting as the physical need for food.

The question then, is how do you create memories out of nothing? How can your child be remembered and those memories be a part of your life if no time was spent with that child after he was born? It takes creativity and a willingness to follow your heart. It requires that you be able to do what you need even though it may be misunderstood. People who've never experienced the death of an infant will not understand. Their participation will likely be minimal and obligatory. Those become secondary issues once you begin to "make" memories of your baby, however. Because creating ways to remember your child feels so right.

I have heard many, many great ideas from other mothers surviving the death of their babies. The ways to create memories is unlimited, and as vast and varied as the women who create them are. On this page I'll share a few of my ideas. Feel free to duplicate anything you like, or use them as springboards for your own ideas. I would enjoy hearing your memory making stories.

~Our Michael Garden~ When we were expecting Michael we decided to build a new home. We moved into that home a little over two months after Michael's death. He was such a part of the design and planning for this house. It felt so wrong that he wasn't going to be a physical part of our lives in it. One of several ways that we have made his presence obvious is a memorial garden. Since it was a new home, with no landscaping, that left our possibilities wide open. The entire width of our backyard has become our "Michael Garden". On each birthday and Heaven Day we have and will continue to plant something in his garden. It is great therapy to be able to dig in the dirt on the days when I can't think of anything but missing my son.

~Garden Stones~ On Michael's first birthday it was decided that we needed to "do" something. Actually, Michael's big sister, Megan was the one who insisted that "doing" was necessary. Since the garden was a new addition at the time it seemed that our activity should be connected to that project. After much thought and searching for the right thing, we came up this idea: We invited our families over near Michael's birthday, to make Garden Stones. We told them ahead of time about our project and asked them to bring something they found meaningful to decorate their stone for Michael's Garden. I purchased several plastic plant saucers (the larger size), some quickset concrete and different colors of cement die. Each family member was able to create his or her own stone for Michael's Garden. Each stone is unique and shows the personality of the creator. Now, whenever I'm working in the garden, I see the stones Michael's family made in his memory. It's comforting to see them and know that during that project, he was center of attention and center of their hearts.

Here are two examples: The one on the left was made by my best friend and decorated with memorabilia from her days as a flight attendant. Michael's grandpa - with his "special" rocks made the one on the right.

~Michael's Memory Chest~ For Michael's first birthday my nephew-in-law made a wooden chest in which to store all of our belongings that related to Michael. He brought the unfinished chest the week of Michael's birthday and Heaven Day anniversary so that I would have a project to focus on. It was a wonderful gift. I spent the week of that first anniversary painting, decorating and finishing Michael's chest, and then spent hours lovingly organizing the few possessions that are "his" to be stored in what is our most treasured chest. Now that chest sits in my home office, and is a cherished reminder of the love we feel for our son. When I feel like "remembering" it's wonderful to have such a nice place to retrieve his things from storage.

Michael's Memory Chest (outside)

Michael's Memory Chest (inside)

~Evidence of Michael's Presence in our Home~ We have many pictures of Michael displayed throughout our home, even though we have very few pictures. I have the same photo in different forms, different frames, and different sizes. He is literally visible in every room. On our coffee table in the family there are two books - photo albums with pewter frames - one of Megan and one of Michael. Contained within the pages of those books are pictures of our children and poems or thoughts about their lives. Megan's is updated with new pictures and new accomplishments often. Michael's is too. The pictures are the same, perhaps, but as we accustom ourselves to this life without him here, there are new thoughts to share, so those are added to his book. The books are in prominent display. All who sit in our family are welcome to scan the pages of these books dedicated to the love we feel for our children. How could Michael not be a part of that?

~Our Michael Candle~ Early on, in some of the material we received on grieving, we read a suggestion of purchasing a special candle to light in memory of a child. We shopped for the right candle to become our "Michael Candle". We ended up bringing home the largest candleholder we found. It sits in our family room, and we agreed that whenever we missed Michael we would light "his" candle. That candle burns often. It is especially comforting to see it lit when we have special family gatherings and his presence is missed the most.

~Memorial Jewelry~ My husband bought a charm pendant for me to wear. It is the letter "M", with a tiny angel on the side. I wear that necklace continuously. I have received other angel type jewelry as well, and know that when I wear them I am remembering Michael in a special and visible way. Michael's big sister, Megan, wears a Piglet with angel wings necklace. Perfect for her since she nicknamed Michael "Piglet". Even my husband, who is not a necklace kind of guy, wears an angel necklace now. It's a statement of the heart to wear a piece of jewelry that solely signifies our love for Michael.

~Big Sister Day~ Michael's birthday has become "Big Sister Day" in our home. Megan so wanted to be a big sister, and when she was given that honor only to not be able to enjoy it the way she should, it was a devastating blow. For us all. I tried from the very beginning to help her understand and believe that even though Michael isn't here she is still a big sister. He will always be her baby brother, and the love that bond instills did not die. I believe it is hard for her to feel it sometimes, though. So, we instituted Big Sister Day. On Michael's birthday we celebrate the fact that that is the day Megan officially became a big sister. Each year we give her a gift - something small and in memory of Michael. And we celebrate by sending Michael balloons in heaven, and going to dinner wherever Megan chooses. I try to give a written reminder of all that that day means, as well. For instance, this past year I made her a card that read in part, "the only thing that equals how much we miss Michael is how much we love you", to illustrate the importance of both of our children in our hearts and lives. Big Sister Day not only helps Megan to remember that she is indeed no longer an only child, but it also gives us a more positive focus for a day that would otherwise be filled with nothing but "should be's".

~The Holidays~ Holidays are especially difficult times. Festive celebrations so often just seem to illuminate the missing part of our lives. Traditions and memorials are a welcome sanctuary during those times. Some of the things that have, in just two short years, become important traditions for us are:
� Including Michael in any cards we mail that are from the family. Knowing that it would probably be hard for some people to read his name, we didn't want to do that, but leaving him out altogether, especially from Christmas cards was too painful for us, we chose to include Michael in a less obvious (or uncomfortable) way. I purchased a butterfly shaped hole punch, and we punch a hole in the card after our names. � Memory Of Michael gifts - each year at Christmas we buy each other a gift that somehow represents our thoughts of Michael. We exchange those gifts after all the other gifts are opened. � I purchase a new ornament for the tree each year 'for' Michael. Something significant to our memories of him. (we have a lot of Piglet ornaments now) � This year began a new tradition. For Michael's Garden we planted a small Colorado Blue Spruce, for which I made Piglet ornaments and decorated for the Christmas season. � We attend a candlelight memorial service for bereaved parents each year at the beginning of December. That is a very helpful thing - just to know that we are focusing on, and stating aloud how much Michael (and the pain) is still a part of our lives.

~Including the Extended Family~ Some families are more comfortable with dealing with grief than others. Some family members are more able to cope than others are, so it is important to do what feels "right" for each group. We do not do many "organized" gatherings with the extended family, but we do try to include them somewhat in remembering Michael. Shortly after his death I made each person in our family a collage picture frame. It included pictures of Michael being held by all the people there to meet him the day he died and a copy of a portion of his memorial service program. It is interesting to see those frames prominently displayed in some homes, and not in others. But, whether I can see the frames or not it feels good to know that each member of Michael's family possesses a keepsake of him, and will perhaps always look at it with remembrances of the impact he made on their own life.

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