You know the funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is while your in midair you still hit those breaks..Hey better try the emergency break.
If you flying back through time, and you see another person flying forward into the future probably the best thing to do is not to make eye contact with them.
If your an ant your walking across the top of pudding, you probably have no idea that only thing between you and disaster is the strength of that pudding skin.
Instead of mouse trap what about baby traps...not to harm the babies but just to hold them down before they can be removed.
I remember how my uncle Jerry would just sit on the front porch and whittle all the time. One time he whittled me a toy boat..out of a bigger toy boat it was just as good as the original, but there were bumps and whittle marks all over it, and no paint because he had whittled off the paint.
You know what's a good thing to keep on your porch in the summer time to keep mosquitos away from, you and your guests, just a big bag full of blood.
Before a mad scientist goes mad there's probably a time in his life where he's only partially mad and those are the times he has his kick-ass parties.
When I found the skull in the woods the first thing I did was call the police, but then I got curious about it, I picked it up and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.
They say that the mountain holds many secrets and her is the biggest..."I am a Fake Mountain"
If aliens from outer-space ever come to earth and we show them our civilization, and they make fun of it, we should say we were just kidding, that this isn't really our civilization, but a gag we hoped they would like. Then we tell them to come back in 20 years to see our real civilization, after that we start a crash program of coming up with an impressive new civilization. Either that or just shoot the aliens as they are waving good-bye.
I hope they never find out that lightning has a lot of vitamins in it, because do you hide from it or not?
It's too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.
I think when you go on trial they should have a parrot there that says guilty or not guilty for you, as a sort of courtesy.
Worship the potato? The idea seemed silly to me. But then I thought, what else is more deserving of worship? It's simple, it comes from the earth, and it can kill you if you disobey it.
Many people never stop to realize that a tree is a living thing, not that different from a tall, leafy dog that has roots and is very quiet.
I wish scientists would come up with a way to make dogs a lot bigger, but with a smaller head. That way, they'd still be good as watchdogs, but they wouldn't eat so much.
If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone with the lemons (maybe by shoving them down his throat)?
People just naturally assume that dogs would be incapable of working together on some sort of construction project. But what about just a big field full of holes?
Whenever anyone says "I can't," it makes me wish he'd get stung to death by about then thousand bees. When he says "I'll try," five thousand bees. ("I can," one bee).
If the Vikings were around today, they would probably be amazed at how much glow-in-the-dark stuff we have, and how we take so much of it for granted.
Basically, there are three ways the skunk and I are a lot alike. The first is, we both like to spread our "stink" around. The second is we both get hit by cars a lot. The third is stripes.
There should be a detective show called 'Johnny Monkey.' That way every week a criminal could say, "I ain't gonna get caught by no monkey," but then he would, and I don't think I'd ever get tired of that.
If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then people would sing about me and I could fly down and eat them because I hate that song.
Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know anybody: First take out the garbage. Then go around and collect any extra garbage that people might have, like a crumpled napkin, and take that out too. Pretty soon people will want to meet the busy garbage guy.
If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.
One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with a wooden stake
Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new name for yourself. For instance, let's say you have chosen the nickname "Fly Head." Normally you would think that "fly Head" would mean a person who has beautiful swept-back features, as if flying through the air. But think again. Couldn't it also mean "having a head like a fly"? I'm afraid some people might actually think that.
The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at the edge of the watering hole and started to drink. But then he looked around and saw skulls and bones everywhere. "Uh-oh," he thought. "This watering hole is reserved for skeletons."
Too bad Lassie didn't know how to ice skate, because then if she was in Holland on vacation in winter and someone said "Lassie, go skate for help," she could do it.
If you're ever shipwrecked on a tropical island and you don't know how to speak the natives' language, just say "Poppy-oomy." I bet it means something
When I die, I would like to go peacefully, in my sleep, like my Grandfather did. Not screaming and yelling like the passenger in his car.
Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas and catching some rays? Maybe you'll flunk, but you might have flunked anyway; that's my point.
When I was in the 3rd grade, a bully in school started beating me up every day. At first I didn't say anything, but then I told dad. He got a real scared look on his face and asked if the bully had a big dad. I said I didn't know. But he still seemed scared. And just a few days later we moved to a new town. Dad told me that if anyone picked on me, not to fight back. Unless I knew the kid didn't have a dad or the dad was real small. Otherwise just curl up in a ball.
If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind people and pinching them is probably a joke that gets old real fast.
I think college administrators should encourage students to urinate on walls and bushes, because then when students from another college come sniffing around, they'll know this is someone else's territory.
Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've never known before. But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and bitter. Wait. It's not love I'm describing. I'm thinking of a monorail.
It's fascinating to think that all around us there's an invisible world we can't even see. I'm speaking, of course, of the World of the Invisible Scary Skeletons.
Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants.
Marta was watching the football game with me when she said, "You know, most of these sports are based on the idea of one group protecting its territory from invasion by another group." "Yeah," I said, trying not to laugh. Girls are funny.
I think my new thing will be to try to be a real happy guy. I'll just walk around being real happy until some jerk says something stupid to me.
If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, forget em', cause, man, they're gone.
If you lived in the Dark Ages, and you were a catapult operator, I bet the most common question people would ask is, "Can't you make it shoot any farther?" No. I'm sorry. That's as far as it shoots.
AND THAT'S ALL OF EM! Well, for now anyway! Be sureta check up on this page every so often to see if there are any new "Farley'z F*cked Up Frases".