Updated: 5/23/08

Gardenia: The Furry Roleplaying Game - Story 4(Ki)

     It was another comfortable spring morning in Cheesetown, Gardenia, the sun gracing the tall grass and wildflowers alongside the railroad track with its warm, gentle touch. A quiet stillness hung in the air. One could only hear the faint sound of birds chirping, the distant sounds of buzzing junebugs.
     There was a soft rustling sound as a muscular black figure walked through the grass. The figure had a lupine shape, and was dressed in a black t-shirt and camo pants. He had a sword strapped on its back, and a black and red cross hanging from a leather cord around his neck. A red scar ran diagonal across his right eye.
     The figure came up to the white gravel mound surrounding the tracks. He looked both ways, then stepped over the orange tinged steel railing, standing on the long wooden tie, surveying the land beyond.
     He saw a quaint little town ahead of him. He could see a few official looking brick buildings, a cluster of small houses, an old Victorian mansion, and a basketball court.
     He stepped over the rail, scuffing down the opposite side of the hill. At the bottom, he noticed a square red shape lying in the grass. It was a notebook. He picked it up and opened it.

This is Myra Squirrel's diary!      DO NOT READ, OR ELSE!!!

     He looked inside the back cover and found a map.
     MAP OF CHEESETOWN
     On the page opposite the map he saw an address.

Myra Squirrel      Apt 17      3 Sweetpickle Ln      Cheesetown, Gardenia 455@

     He marched forward, approaching the nearest building, a brown wooden building with a large green sign reading `Post Office.' Seeing a group of animals milling about in front of it, he moved around to the rear of the building, sneaking around in the shadows.
     Okay, here's the post office. He examined the map again. He turned around and saw a brick building with a sign reading `Cheesetown Bank & Trust, LLC.' Assuming that the `Squirrel Sisters' building depicted on the map contained the owner of the diary, he sneaked around the back of the bank, creeping toward the building next to it, a brick building with a green dumpster behind it. He stopped in the alley between the buildings. His ears perked up as he heard a hollow crashing sound, the distinct sound of a ball hitting pins. That must be the bowling alley, so I should go through here. He went down the alleyway, coming out in a pathway in front of a little brown house with a red roof. The sign out front read `Squirrel Sisters Craft Shoppe.' A sign in the window read `Arts & Crafts! Tailoring & Alterations!'
     The wolf creature took a notepad and a pen out of his pocket, copied down the map, and placed the diary on the porch in front of the building.
     Seeing a tree on the side of the building, he climbed up into its branches to see what happened next.
     He saw a sheep in a yellow dress stomping angrily up the path, clutching a suit bag in one paw. It threw open the front door of the building and disappeared inside for several minutes. It came back out empty handed, shaking its wooly head and putting its paws on its hips. It walked away.
     Some time after that, the wolf creature saw a red squirrel walking up the path. It had on jeans and a blue shirt with a dragon on it. The squirrel went up to the door of the building, touching the handle. Seeing the diary on the ground, he stopped and picked it up. "Hello! Now what is this?" He opened it, scanning the pages. He shook his head and laughed. "So that's what she thinks of me!" He opened the door, going inside.
     The wolf frowned. That wasn't exactly what I meant to do. He heard loud flapping sounds behind him.
     "It's a nice view from up here, isn't it?"
     Startled, the wolf turned around. He was looking at a white stork with a long orange beak, dressed in an old time postmaster's outfit. There was a faded green mailbag on the branch next to it.
     "From time to time, I just like to sit up here and enjoy the view." The bird's voice was deep and sort of grandfatherly.
     "Greetings," said the wolf. "I am Ki. Tell me, where is this?"
     "You're in a tree," said the stork. "A tree at 13 Fraggle Road to be precise. This is Cheesetown." It poked a feather at his green vest. "My outfit is getting a bit threadbare, don't you think? I was thinking I might go see if Myra can fix it up for me." It stretched its wings, spreading the tips of its feathers. "My, my. What a morning. Just delivered five thousand Mold Crazy Meesa promotional card offers and a baby." It shook its head. "The baby kept eating the cards. I imagine the customer service line is going to get a mite busy today, why, with all the imaginary fraud claims and all..." It shrugged. The bird dug into its bag, taking out a sheet of paper and an envelope. It handed them to Ki. "The mayor's started a new program to get to know his new citizens and visitors better. He just started it today. If you wouldn't mind, could you fill out this survey and put it in this prepaid postage envelope and drop it in the mailbox? I'd really appreciate it."
     The bird took a watch out of its pocket, staring at it. "Well, gotta go!" It raised its wings and flapped away.
     Ki stared at the paper.

M388 CHARACTER SURVEY      New citizens and visitors, please fill out this survey and return in postage paid envelope. All applicants will receive complimentary gift. Don't worry about your return address. Peter knows where you are, and will deliver it to you. Do you have a house or other place of residence? If so, where is it located? If not, would you like assistance in attaining a home? What kind of books do you like to read? What kind of movies do you like to watch? Do you like gambling? The B878 is a machine that converts UPC codes and the catalog numbers from library books into surprise gifts. Would you ever want to try out this machine? If so, please write five or more UPC or catalog codes in the box below. ITEM UPC _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ What are your opinions about Pokemon? Do you like fishing? Do you like to cook?

     The wolf took out a pen and started scrawling answers on the survey, using his notebook as a writing surface.

M388 CHARACTER SURVEY      New citizens and visitors, please fill out this survey and return in postage paid envelope. All applicants will receive complimentary gift. Don't worry about your return address. Peter knows where you are, and will deliver it to you. Do you have a house or other place of residence? If so, where is it located? If not, would you like assistance in attaining a home? No home What kind of books do you like to read? any and all What kind of movies do you like to watch? any and all(never had much time in captivety) Do you like gambling? at time when I can afford it The B878 is a machine that converts UPC codes and the catalog numbers from library books into surprise gifts. Would you ever want to try out this machine? If so, please write five or more UPC or catalog codes in the box below. ITEM UPC dount have any at the time _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ What are your opinions about Pokemon? yes Do you like fishing? only whin I have to eat Do you like to cook? yes

    After he wrote all of that down, he suddenly got a funny feeling. A feeling he had not had in a long time. A feeling of happiness. He climbed down out of the tree and began walking toward the post office.
    He saw funny looking creatures milling around in front of the bank, chatting pleasantly with one another, looking happy.
    With a crazy grin, the wolf ran all the way to the post office, yelling "I'm free! I'm free!" at the top of his lungs. He tripped over a rock and fell face down. He brushed himself off and went inside the building.
    The post office looked like a log cabin on the inside. The floors were wooden, the interior walls made of logs, and the reception desk was hewn out of a large tree. Against one wall, he saw a strange looking device resembling an ATM machine. A label on the top portion said `B878.' Next to that device was a computer kiosk displaying a windows-like desktop. A sign below the monitor said `Internet Ready. Ask Lola for instructions on how to e-mail.'
    A poster had been taped to the wall, reading `Movie Mail! Send a message to a character in a movie and change the course of any movie!' A caption below it showed a website address (www.moviemail.nork).
    There didn't seem to be much business going on at the moment. The room was empty, occupied only by the desk clerk, a female stork made up with lipstick and thick purple eyeliner.
    Ki approached her, handing her the envelope.
    "Ah! Another survey! Thank you!" She smiled at him and took it, stuffing it in a mail bag. She opened a drawer under the desk, taking out a small box. "And here is your free complimentary gift." She handed it to him. "Thank you for helping to make the future of Gardenia brighter!"
    Ki examined the box. There was no indication of what the box contained. It was marked all around with question marks.
    After a minute of watching Ki stand there, the clerk behind the desk said, "Is there something else I can help you with, sir?"
    Ki shook his head, looking around.
    The door to the post office came open, and something like a floating cream puff drifted in, transparent arms full of packages. It drifted up to the counter, mumbled something to the clerk, then drifted back to the door, passing right through it. Ki gawked at the sight.
    The door came open again. This time it was a penguin, dressed in a t-shirt designed to look like the Greatest American Hero logo. It wandered up to the desk with envelopes in its hands, gave them to the clerk, then went back towards the door. It stopped, looking at Ki. "Hi! My name is Pengo! What's yours?"
    "Ki."
    Pengo chuckled a bit, then stopped when he saw Ki's expression. "Sorry. It's just that I had a pet with that name. Are you new around here?"
    Ki nodded.
    "I thought so." The penguin put its flippers at its hips, pausing in thought as it stared at him. "You look lost. Like the kind of fur that needs someone to tell them what to do and where to go. Would you like me to show you around?"
    "Thank you, I need someone to show me around," Ki replied. "My full name is Kidos. Could you help me find a house, and a job?"
    The penguin stared at him.
    "You see, I come from a land that has no freedom like this one."
    The penguin curled one of its flippers, scratching its head. "Very well, then. Let me take you on a little tour. Hopefully, along the way, we can also find you a place to stay at." Clearing his throat, he stood at the doorway, gesturing to the room. "This is the Cheesetown Post Office. If you want to send a letter to anyone, this is where you go. You can buy stamps from the clerk. There's a B878 machine, which is really cool if you ask me, and a machine that lets you send e-mails to anyone in Gardenia, and look at the coolest websites in the world. (OOC: If you have any bar codes lying around in your RL house, such as on candy wrappers, trash or books or whatever, feel free to type in the numbers at the end of your e-mails and get new and interesting random items). But I guess you've spent enough time in the post office already. Come along. I'll show you some other neat stuff."
    Ki followed Pengo outside. They walked around the corner, strolling past the bank. Pengo pointed to it. "This is Cheesetown Bank. You can use it to store the Pogs you've earned and other valuables. You can also open a checking account, take out a loan, or buy a savings or money market account."
    They went past the bowling alley. "Cheesetown Lanes. I just love this place!" Little hearts and flowers popped out of the air around his head. He spun around giddily, then popped them out of existence. "Oops. Sorry about that." He cleared his throat. "Wanna go bowling?"
    "Bowling? What is this bowling that you speak of?"
    Pengo shrugged. "It's a game. C'mon. I'll show you." He opened the front door.
    Realizing that he still had his sword on, Ki drews blade and dropped it to the ground. The instant it hit the ground it turned into dust.
    Pengo's mouth dropped open. "What was that?"
    "Its a Somen Blade. If I need it, I'll just call it."
    "Oh," the penguin said, somewhat mystified. "Well, let's bowl." He led the wolf down a carpeted path. To the right was a small shop that sold food and beer. The lanes were to the right, set on a lower level, racks of bowling balls forming a partition in between. Pengo led him up to a counter situated past the vending machines and restrooms. There was a chubby Persian cat behind the counter, dressed in a frumpy bowling uniform. Pengo spoke to it, getting a pair of size 10 bowling shoes.
    "What's your shoe size, Ki?"
    Ki shrugged. "I don't know."
    The penguin tried different pairs of shoes on him until one of them fit normally, a size 12 pair. He then spoke to the Persian and handed it a cluster of disk shaped objects. He led Ki down a short staircase.
    A female Schnauser in a purple shirt came up to them. "Ah, Pengo! There you are again!" Her voice had a thick German sound to it.
    Pengo gave this creature a hug, then gestured to Ki. "Ilsa, this is Ki. Ki, this is Ilsa."
    "Hello!" said the Schnauser. "The group is all here. You should join us."
    "But I already paid for a lane," said Pengo.
    "That is okay. I will bowl with you a few rounds."
    An armadillo walked up to them. It bowed, but said nothing.
    "This is Norman," said Pengo. "He's a nice animal, but he doesn't talk much."
    Norman nodded.
    Pengo waddled over to a rack of bowling balls with fin shaped slots in the sides, examining them, hefting them to check the weight. He picked out a swirling gray-orange one, carrying it over to a mechanical ball return in between lanes marked with a 7 and 8. He then went to a table on an elevated platform behind the machine, putting names up on a television monitor above the lanes.

	1	2	3	4	5	6	7	8	9	10
KI
PENGO
ILSA
NORMAN

    Ki looked around for a claw designed 22 pound ball with a green swirl, with finger holes bigger than two inches. He managed to find a 20 pound non-clawed one with three inch finger holes, carrying it over to the ball return.
    Pengo waddled over to him, gesturing to the lane. "You're up. Would you like to throw, or would you prefer me to show you how it's done?"
    Ki bent his arm behind Pengo to pick up the ball, but he picked up the armadillo by mistake. Not bothered by the unusual shape and texture, he approached the lane and tossed him down the polished hardwood floor.
    The armadillo slid along with a scream, crashing into the pins at the end. The scoreboard showed a strike. The pin machine came down, along with the big wooden arm that scoops pins into the pin return. The armadillo let out a terrified shout and scooted away before it hit him. He waddled back to the chairs, setting off the buzzer as he crossed the boundary line on the edge of the floor. "Oy! They make bowling balls for a reason!"
    Pengo put his flippers on his hips, shaking his head as he looked at Ki. "No no no. That's not the way you do it." He picked up his bowling ball, walking up to the lane. "Allow me to demonstrate." He waited for the pin machine to place the pins on the floor again, then raised the ball in front of his beak. "First, you get a good walk going, and you approach one of the markers on the lane. I'm targeting the fourth one. (Go to the bowling chart and tell the game master what row you're approaching [1-7])." The penguin raised the ball behind his back, then made a start toward the lane. (Select a speed between 1 and 10, then an amount of force between 1 and 10). He aimed his flipper toward the pins, though aiming slightly right, tossing the ball down the lane with a loud thud. (Select an angle from the table at Bowling.html link. Pengo chose the angle between 7-8). The ball sailed down the lane, knocking over two pins. "There. See, I'm not that good, either, but practice makes perfect." He gestured at the lane. "Now you try it. We're just practicing right now, so don't worry about your score."
    Ki took a ball and stepped up to the floor. He bowled a few frames, then seated himself at the table above the lane. Someone had placed trays of nachos on it while he wasn't looking.
    Pengo sat down across from him. "So," he said, digging into a tray of nachos. "Where are you from?"
    "Mooroon."
    The armadillo walked down to the ball return, preparing to bowl his set.
    "Mooroon?" Pengo chuckled. "Okay. So what brings you to Cheesetown?"
    Ki sighed. "I have no mother or father that I know about. When I was five years old, a nice teenaged furry gave me a home. I was okay with that, but then a war broke out. You see, there is an evil ruler named Lord Kathz. His people were called the Codeck, and they wanted to take over my country. So, when I was fifteen, I joined the Death Recon. I stayed with them two years, and they made me a commander."
    Pengo had a dumb expression on his face, his eyes glazing over. It was clear that he didn't understand a great deal of what Ki was saying. He offered him a plastic tray. "Nachos?"
    Ki shrugged and took some.
    "Gee, you know...I'm sorry you didn't have any parents. That kinda stinks." He didn't say any more. He just put a pudgy flipper to the side of his shiny orange beak.
    "I met my brother during the war. It was...not a good meeting. When my tour of duty ended, I went home and found that my adopted mother, Trix, had married and had a son."
    Pengo leaned over the table. "And then what happened?"
    Ki sniffed. "Then Lord Kathz came." Tears started tricking down from his eyes. "I lost everything. He was so...evil that he just killed everything. I had no power to stop him." He buried his face in his paws, crying.
    Pengo got up and put his fins around Ki's shoulders. "There, there, buddy. It's okay. You're safe now. Cheesetown hasn't gone to war in decades. I don't know who this Catheter guy is, but you don't have to worry about him here."
    "But you may want to worry a little about Deathclaw," said the armadillo.
    Pengo shrugged. "Gangs are stupid. They do stupid things and get arrested."
    "Oh yeah," said the armadillo. "That's right."
    They bowled several frames before putting up their shoes and heading out.
    "I need to get some new stuff. Lets...start on how I can get some money or a job."
    Pengo rubbed his beak. "Hmmm...There's always plenty of work to do around here. Where to begin?" He furrowed his brow, putting his flippers on his hips as he began ruminating. "Indeed. Where to start? Nearly everybody in this town is looking for help. Ollie's Cajun Shack is always looking for kitchen help...then there's the laundromat, Cheesetown Apartments, the garbage dump, and Cheesetown Fitness Center...and even if you don't like something in town, there are job sources. There's a kiosk in the post office that lists all the job offerings in Gardenia, but some of them will want you to relocate to a different city. You could always go there...or you could pick up a Cheesetown Gazette from the Squirrel Sister's Craft Shoppe and read about some of the local offerings...Does that help any?"
    "Mmmm...I think ill go to the fitness center," said Ki. "I'm good at training people. Thanks, Pengo."
    Pengo nodded. "Ah. A fur after my own heart! I enjoy a good workout myself!" He flexed his flippers, but it was unimpressive. "Oh. Well, let's go then, shall we?"
    Ki followed the penguin as it waddled down past the craft shop, down a hill, past an old stone library building, and around the side of a long silver trailer with a telescope and a giant satellite dish poking out its roof. They turned down a trail, coming to a large brick building. To one side of the structure was a public swimming pool. On the other side was a well trimmed grassy field where animals were out busying themselves doing various exercises.
    Pengo pushed through the door, leading him into a large room with a desk. To the left were shower and locker rooms. To the right was a gym with a wide assortment of exercise machines. A blue heron sat behind the desk, reading a book entitled When Lovers Nest. Its beak travelled across the bottom of a page, its eyes widening as it considered the words printed there. It licked its fingers and turned the page. Its beak went across the first sentence on the top, then its eyes met Pengo's. "Squawk!" The heron slapped the book down on the counter, its beak reddening. "Hello! Thank you for visiting Cheesetown Gym! How can I help you?"
    Pengo chuckled. "My friend is looking for a job."
    The heron pointed a wing at a bulletin board affixed to the wall next to the gym. "Is there anything else I can help you with today?"
    The penguin shook his head. He led Ki over to a framed piece of corkboard beneath a sign reading:

JOB POSTINGS Job Code 623E: GROUNDSKEEPER Keeps outdoor premises clean, picks up trash, brush, litter. Gardening and weeding. Job Code 616A: LIFEGUARD Monitors pool for safe swimming. Rescuing, first aid and excellent swimming skills a plus. Job Code 757R: ATHLETICS SUPERVISOR (No description available) Job Code 876B: KARATE INSTRUCTOR (No description available) Job Code 40V: BASEBALL COACH Help the Cheesetown Cheddarheads win their first game! Job Code 815O: SWIM INSTRUCTOR Instructs novice swimmers on how to enjoy aquatics. Please visit www.ycfa.nork for job postings at other YCFA locations

    "Okay, so it's not very much," said Pengo. "But it's a start. See anything you like? Or should we go elsewhere?"
    "I'd like to look at 876B more," said Ki.
    "Karate instructor? Really?" Pengo began laughing. "Well, if you really think that's your thing, let's go and see about getting you the job." He waddled up to the clerk. "Hi. My friend is interested in the karate instructor job."
    The bird snickered a little bit, then said, "You need to talk to Jeff Smell." It pointed at the hallway leading to the gym. "Second door on the left."
    The wolf and penguin walked past the desk and an open door leading to the staff office. They passed a couch, entering a doorway on the left side.
    They entered a small office with a desk and a giant monkey painted on the back wall. There were trophies set up in a display case on one side of the room, and an assortment of weapons on a rack on the other. The desk held a TV, one of those novelty glass balls with lightning flashing inside, and a framed picture of a mustached onion in a karate gi.
    Behind the desk sat a black skunk in a tie dyed blue-purple karate gi. "Hi! Are you here for white belt class?"
    "Actually," said Pengo. "He's interested in the karate instructor job."
    "Hmmm...Have you taken a class here before?"
    Ki shook his head.
    "Do you know anything about Pugwadim?"
    "Uh..."
    "Do you know Stalking Panther? Tiger and Crane? Boxing Form? Book Set? Short Form One?"
    "Um..."
    The skunk sighed. "I'm willing to give you the benefit of the doubt, but you're going to have to do some intense training if you want this job. You're going to have to be here every morning at 6:30, and it's not going to be easy. I expect a lot of work, and I expect you to help me bring in more students. If you're willing to take on a demanding, low paying, thankless job that requires a lot of time and effort, and if you're willing to stay and commit to this job, I'll be willing to work with you, and help you to become the best martial arts instructor you can possibly be. But if you're not willing to commit, I suggest you look somewhere else for employment. This is not an easy job. If you're looking for easy, I suggest you go work at Ollie's."
    "6:30...no problem. I have studied and mastered CQC, and the shadow viper."
    The skunk nodded. "See you at 6:30, Mister...I'm sorry, what was your name?"
    "Ki."
    "Right. See you at 6:30, Mr. K." Mr. Smell sat down at his desk and began filing paperwork. He stopped. "Oh, before I forget. Mr. K, I need you to run an errand for me."
    Ki blinked at him. "Yes?"
    "I need you to go out in the town and advertise Pugwadim." He handed Ki a stack of papers and a package of markers. "You can write anything you want, but you've got to make it catchy and it's got to be put in a prominent place so people will get interested in the school. Got it?"
    Ki nodded. "Got it." With that, Ki walked out, "Ok, Pengo, now I'd like to get some new clothes. Do you know a good place?"
    Pengo shrugged. "There aren't too many good places around here. You can try the Squirrel Sisters shop. Mr.B's and Zip Trip sometimes sell clothes, but you never know what they'll have or when. Once a month, Ollie's has some stuff, too, but I don't know if they're doing it this month. You can order stuff online if you want, but it might not get here today. Or you could try out the barcode machine. That stuff always gets there the same day, but it's completely unpredictable. If you want, we could also go to Weird Parkway, but I don't have a car and it's kind of far away." He took a deep breath. "I mean, you could probably still go there, but you'd need someone to drive you." He paused. "By the way, when are you planning to put up those ads for that guy?"
    "Mmm...Let's try the Squirrel Sisters' Shop, and along the way I'll work on these posters."
    Pengo nodded. "Right this way."
    Displaying a remarkable talent for multitasking, Ki took out the pen and markers and started making posters as he walked after Pengo.
    "Life is a battel to win it you must defet your self," he wrote on the posters, drawing a picture of a ninja meditating in front of a yin-yang symbol. Beneath this he wrote, "Join Sinsay Smelly's class, and let the battel begin!" He slapped one on a tree a few feet away from the gym. "They're not much, but it's a start."
    Pengo shrugged. "Okay."
    He slapped another ad on the silver trailer they passed along the way, then a third one on a message board standing in front of the Cheesetown Library. He tagged the fourth on a tree. Pengo led him up to the familiar looking brown house with the `Squirrel Sisters' sign on it, pushing the door open.
    They entered a large room filled with an assortment of hand crafted fabrics, stylish umbrellas, colored glassworks, sculptures and paintings. One side of the room contained racks of clothing. A green-purple polka dotted karate gi was displayed on the wall behind them. On the other side of the room, there were a series of tables where a pair of squirrels were busying themselves with sewing machines.
    One of them stopped working, walking up to Ki. "Thank you for visiting the Squirrel Sisters' craft shop. My name is Myra Squirrel. Is there something I can help you with today?"
    Ki didn't respond.
    The squirrel stared at the wolf. "Having problems deciding, huh?" She shrugged. "I'll be at my desk. Just let me know if you need anything." She went back to her table and started back on on the design she was sewing.
    The two began humming the French Canadian Nun Song as they sewed.
    Pengo wandered over to the clothing racks, examining the items. He pulled out a pair of blue pajamas, holding them up to his chest. He put them back. He looked at the wolf. "Hey, Ki. What do you think about that karate uniform up there?"
    Ki chuckled at the green and purple thing. "Not my type." He walked over to the rack in the shirt section, shuffling through the items. There was a blue karate gi with a dragon on it, a plain black one, then a series of t-shirts with varying patterns on them. There was a shirt with a Sesame Street logo, a shirt with a skull on it, a Sweet Pickles shirt depicting Goof Off Goose, a yellow shirt with the Mizzou logo on it, an I Hate The GRS shirt, A Snuggle fabric softener shirt, a Toyota shirt, a Snoopy shirt, and a Korean t-shirt advertising someone named Back Ji-Young. He picked up the black gi and the shirt with a skull on it, then walked over to the pant rack. There were jeans, both blue and stonewashed, bell bottoms, jogging pants of different colors, cargo pants in tan and black, khakis, khaki shorts and pajama bottoms. The pajama bottoms had crazy patterns like icebergs and carrots, dice and bottles of hot sauce on them, among other patterns. One pair of jeans had stylized flames on the bottom. Another had rivets. There were some in black leather, and spandex ones patterned with flags and flames and skulls.
    Pengo wandered up to him. "Hey, if you ever have an idea for a shirt or an outfit, this is the place to go. A few weeks ago, someone ordered a KISS costume. Pretty wacky, huh?" He chuckled. "So, what else are you going to get?"
    Ki picked up the pair of jeans with flames on it, then took his items up to the front desk. Myra Squirrel stopped her sewing, taking position behind the cash register. "I'd like to know if I can trade for these? And do you have any polish?"
    Myra shrugged. "We're not really set up for trading, but if you want, we can hold your items until you can pay for these."
    "You should go to Mr. B's Trading Post," said Myra's sister. "He exchanges just about everything for pogs."
    "It's okay," said Pengo. "I'll pay for it."
    "936 pogs, please. We don't have any shoe polish, by the way."
    "Try Mr. B's. He's got everything."
    The penguin dug in his pocket, taking out a wad of colored disks. He placed them on the counter.
    "Would you like a bag?"
    Ki nodded. Myra took his purchases, stuffing them in a large white bag with an acorn shaped logo on the front.
    "Thank you for shopping at Squirrel Sisters!"
    Ki nodded. He and the penguin walked to the door. On the way out, the wolf slapped the last flier on a nearby bulletin board.
    The moment they stepped outside, they were buffeted by a strong gust of wind. The wind calmed down and Ki could hear a clock chime sound playing from somewhere.
    "It's noon, by the sounds of it," said Pengo. "Have you had lunch yet?"
    Ki took out the shirt with the skull on it, ripped off the sleeves, and put it on. "Nope."
    "Neither have I! Where do you want to eat at? Ollies? The bowling alley? Mr. B's? Zip Trip? I'm not much of a cook, or I'd make you a meal myself...how about the mall? We'd have to find someone with a car, or see if a bus is coming, but we could do that, too, if you prefer..."
    "I'll let you choose where. By the way, thanks for the new clothes."
    "No problem. I always try to help a fur when he looks like he's in need." Pengo rubbed his beak. "By the way, you didn't have to rip your clothes like that. The squirrel sisters do alterations."
    Ki shrugged.
    "Oh well. Let's go to Ollie's." He waddled south, leading Ki down a path past the library. Beyond this was a apartment complex with a sign reading `Cheesetown Arbors.' They walked past the large structure, coming to a copse of weeping willows at the edge of a swamp. Pengo grinned. "I just love the atmosphere of this place. It's like we're down in the bayou."
    They went up a crooked looking wooden bridge constructed of planks and logs, coming to a lopsided clapboard shack framed by planks and a rough hewn log fence. A big neon sign above the currugated tin roof read `Ollie's Cajun Shack.' A cow skull hung over the doorway. Smoke poured out from a crumbling brick chimney. A variety of exotic smells drifted through the air. Pengo pushed through the metal swinging door at the entrance, waddling inside.
    Ki followed the penguin into a wide, dumpy looking dining room packed with an assortment of furry creatures. The lighting is dim and the sounds of chatter and blues music fill the air. In the back of the room, a group of alligators played their foot tapping music with drums, a harmonica, an accordion and a double bass. A mangy skin-and-bones black cat stood behind an antique looking cash register, snapping its tail and shaking its body to the tune. It waved to the new customers, then continued to boogey.
    Pengo led Ki over to a booth occupied by a toucan in a blue dress, and Ilsa the Schnauser.
    "Hello again!" said Pengo.
    "Ah! Hello, Pengo," the canine grinned. "Care to join us?"
    The penguin nodded, sitting down next to her. With a grin, the toucan scooted over, gesturing to an open seat. Ki sat down.
    The mangy cat boogeyed its way over to the table with its paws full of menus. It passed one out to each of them. "Bonjour! Welcome to Ollie's Bourbon Street Diner. My name is Waffle and I'll be your server tonight. Can I start you off with some drinks or an appetizer?"
    Ki looked at the menu. It was a sloppily written thing, not even edited for grammar and spelling.

MENU You be gettin' extra sides with dem auntreys! APPATISIRS Onyon Pedals...2 P. / Cajon Fries...2 P. Chips...2 P. / Red Bean N' Rice...3 P. AUNTRAYS Krabb Legg Platr...19 P. / Hole Krabb Platr...19 P. Krawdaddy Platr....10 P. / Belay Gumbo....5 P. Swimp Platr...8 P. / Shoepick...7 P. Buffalo Wang (Spicy)....6 P. / Bah-Be-Que Chikun...5 P. Chikun.....5 P. / Chef Speshul...4 P. KOSHA FUD (JEWISS) Kosha Plattr...10 P. / Haggis...10 P. Gyros....8 P. / Tacos...7 P. Fish Head...7 P. / Matso Ball...7 P. Fejaterian Meel...8 P. / Pida Bred..1 P. Pork Plate...9 P. (Other food Sesnal) SIDES Cajon Cornbread....2 P. / Cajon Rice...5 P. Cole Saw....2 P. / Shef Salad...3 P. DRINX Watter....Free / M'ilk...5 P. Joos....5 P. / Coffey...3 P. Root Beer....5 P. / Sodie..................5 P. Suds..........20 P. / Moonshine..........20 P. Fire Brew..20 P. / Hop Skip N' A Jump...20 P. DESERT Cajon Cake...8 P. / Ice Creme Flambay...7 P. Spicy Cake...9 P. / Chef Soprise...1 P. Come in Windsdays fer fud n' drink speshuls!

    "I'd like the crawdad platter," said Ki.
    The cat nodded. "Anything to drink?"
    "Water."
    Waffle jotted down the order.
    "Same for me," said Pengo. "But get me some Antacid flavored Jones Soda."
    The cat scribbled that down as well. "Right away. He nodded to the pair of creatures next to them. "Your gumbo will be out in a minute." With that, he boogied away.
    Pengo leaned over the table. "Ki, you look like you're hip on the newest, coolest things. Can you tell me something new and different I can do to improve my coolness?"
    "Mmmm, I have no clue how to help you......maybe you should try somthing new every day."
    The penguin nodded. "Might be a good idea, all right." He frowned, poking a fin at his beak, thinking about it.
    "Ki, have you ever made friendship bread?" the dog asked.
    "No, I havent."
    "It is very good. You should try it. If you should visit me again, I will give you some dough for it."
    Ki nodded.
    The toucan gestured to her outfit. "Does this dress make me look fat?"
    Ki didn't answer her.
    She sighed. "I bet you think I do, but you're just afraid to say it."
    Uncomfortable silence.
    "The dress looks fine, Flower," said Ilsa. "You shouldn't worry about it."
    "I bet it makes my butt look fat," Flower muttered.
    "So, Ki," said Pengo. "What's it like where you come from?"
    ***
    There was a human wandering around in Cheesetown. He wore a jean jacket, a blue tank top, and jeans. He came wandering down from the north, walking in the shadows, looking around for someone, or something. He came to the edge of the swamp, watching the entrance of Ollie's restaurant. A black wolf came out. The man took out a book, writing something in it.
    ***
    Pengo led Ki out the door. The two stepped out onto the deck, staring out at the swamp. Feeling someone's eyes on him, Ki looked around, trying to figure out who it was. He couldn't tell. He shrugged. "Hey Pengo. Is there a good place I can train myself for tomorrow?"
    "I don't see much sense in training for a karate class, but I suppose you could always go back to the gym and use their equipment." He poked at his belly. "You know, that is a good idea. I do need to take off a few pounds." He did a little happy dance. "But first, let's see if I got any mail."
    They walked up to the apartment complex, coming to a set of mailboxes on the side of the building next to a dumpster. Pengo dug out a key and opened the box labeled 8. Inside was a brown cardboard box. He took it out, reading it. "Oh wow! It's finally here!"
    At that very moment, someone in a karate gi came by and shoved the penguin to the ground, kicked him, and stole the package. Before Ki could properly react, someone else threw dirt in his eyes, then pinned his arms and legs down so he couldn't fight back. The next thing he knew he was being thrown in the dumpster. The lid slammed closed, and he was in the dark. It smelled of old bagels and hot dog grease. The lid came open again and Pengo was hurled in with him. The lid went shut again.
    "This happens every week," said Pengo. "These creeps in karate outfits, Pandram, I think they're called." He sighed. "I try to be a forgiving animal, but this is getting to be too much."
    They opened the lid, climbing out of the trash. Ki's new clothing was gone.
    Pengo sighed. "C'mon, Ki. Let's go to my apartment so we can wash up."
    They went around the corner, going through the main entrance and down a green hallway to a wooden door marked with an eight. Pengo unlocked it and they went in.
    The interior of the room was almost completely filled with sports memorabilia about the Cheesetown Cheddarheads. There were framed autographed sports jersies, cheese shaped lamps, pillows shaped like cheese wedges on the couches, a coffee table shaped like a cheese wheel with a slice taken out of it, framed photographs of the players, baseball bats and gloves, bobble heads, action figures and boxes of trading cards. A big color tapestry advertising the Cheesetown Cheddarheads hung behind a large plasma screen television. The curtains, sofa covers, and some of the other decor was from the Martha Stewrat collection.
    Pengo spread his fins. "Welcome to my home! I like the Cheesetown Cheddarheads. Can you tell?" He grinned. "I can't imagine you'd understand. They're a number 500 team. Not a very good record, I admit, but you've got to support your hometown, right?"
    Ki just stared at him.
    "Well, let's shower up and see about getting you some practice." He led Ki down a cramped hallway to a bathroom with a shower with a Cheddarhead shower curtain. He gestured to it. "Go right ahead and use it. I'll get you a towel and some clothes."
    Ki went in and showered. As he was showering, he noticed a container of something called Beak N' Glow on one of the shelves. Since he didn't have a beak, he just shrugged and continued showering. When he came out, he found a yellow Cheddarheads towel, t-shirt and pajamas had been left for him on the sink. He put them on and came out.
    Pengo took his other clothing to a laundry room. He came back out and put on the TV. "I'll be in the shower." He left the room.
    The program guide said 1:30.
    The television showed a pair of warthogs at a breakfast table. "C'mon, honey! Let me wallow!"
    Canned laughter. Ki changed the channel.
    A wolf was running down a street with a gun in his paw. Sweat rolled down his muzzle. He turned a corner and a car exploded.
    Ki changed the channel.
    A fat brown warthog sat on a couch beneath a giant logo shaped like an "M."
    "Today we're talking to birds who can't get their hatchlings to leave the nest. With us is renowed psychologist Ted Blocker, as well as Flap and Hoppy, a married couple trying to see their hatchlings off to maturity. Welcome to our show, Flap and Hoppy."
    "Thank you."
    Ki changed the channel again.
    He saw a very video-game like scene of a white duck running down the hallway in an office building with a machine gun blasting at a mob of fuzzy thugs. The duck jumped over their heads in a triple flip and a somersault, then pulled out a pair of handguns, shooting a crocodile thug on either side of him. A giant metal foot landed on the floor. He looked up and saw a robot with a giant chainsaw for a hand.
    The screen went black and Ki was looking at a black duck in a lab coat holding up a bottle. "Beak n' glow will give your beak a sexy shine."
    A pair of female birds in bikinis charged into the room, knocking him off screen. All Ki could see after that were legs sticking in the air and purring noises.
    The telephone rang. Ki let the answering machine pick it up.
    "This is the Cheesetown Gazette. You have not renewed your subscription. Why not? It's a good paper." The caller hung up.
    Pengo came back out, dressed in an oversized Cheddarheads shirt and baggy baseball shorts, drying his head with a towel. "I don't suppose there's much of a point to showering before you have a workout, but I prefer not to smell like a garbage truck when going anywhere. Ready to go to the gym?"
    "Sure."
    They went back out, and on to the gym. Pengo gave the clerk his card, and they went down the right hallway to an area filled with weights, muscle building machines, treadmills, and other workout equipment.
    Pengo led him to a room in the back containing punching bags and speed bags. "This is where all the boxing stuff is." He went up to a bag, sissy punching it.
    [Sissy Punch - Shortcut: #SPL1]
    He then hit the bag with all his might.
    [Pengo Punch - Shortcut: #PPL1]
    (Instructions: In order to practice fighting in this game, you can do keyboard shortcuts. Instead of saying `Ki punches the bag with his left hand,' you can simply type #PL1 for `command punch left one.')
    Pengo punched with his left and right flippers, then gave the bag a mighty kick with his left foot.
    [Pengo Punches and Kicks - Shortcut: #PPR1/PPL1/PKL1]
    (Instructions: In order to do a sequence of moves, simply type a move, followed by a / slash).
    He did it again.
    [Pengo Combo #1 - Shortcut: #PC1]
    (Instructions: For a combo attack, first name your combo, then call it when you want to use it. Example: If you want to have a combo involving a left punch, a right punch and a right kick, you would simply write #COMBO (Combo Name Here): #PPL1/PPR1/PKR1. After that, all you have to type is (#Combo Name Here) to use it. So, if I wrote: #COMBO (AYY8): #PPL1/PPR1/PKR1, later on, when I face Mr. Smelly, I can just write #AYY8. Try it out and see how it works).
    After this, Pengo went berserk, probably because of the bullies. His beak clamped down tightly as his flippers and feat beat against the bag in a wild fury of impotent rage.
    [Wild Penguin Attack - Shortcut: #WP]
    (Instructions: The Wild Penguin attack is a completely random move. It can make you look cool or like a complete wuss depending on your training level. Use with caution).
    After Pengo had worn himself out with his wild attacks on the punching bag, he huffed and panted and led Ki around to the other side of the wall, to a machine designed to build up the biceps. He sat down on the seat, demonstrating how the device was to be used. He lifted up the bar and brought it down again.
    (Instructions: Since I can't ask you to exercise your muscles, I have to ask you to exercise your mind. To build up Ki's muscles on an exercise machine, you will have to answer some sort of math problem. Examples are as follows:)
    58
    +56
    ---
    114
    
    87
    -65
    ---
    12
    
    "Ow!" Pengo gasped. "Too heavy!"
    [87-65 is actually 22!]
    (Instructions: If you get a problem wrong, that's okay. What doesn't kill you will make you grow stronger. Don't use a calculator. It's more fun that way).
    Pengo adjusted the weights and tried again.
    47
    -30
    ---
    17
    
    "Ah. That's better." The penguin did a few more reps, then sat up. He showed Ki how to use the chest press, the tail exerciser, the stair climbers, the seated row, the treadmills, the overhead pull, leg presses, and a ton of other things. "So, Ki. What do you want to try first? The weights, or the punching bags?"
    Ki, angry that he had let his guard down, started hitting the punching bag in a one-two combination.
    [#12P/#12P/#12P/#12P/#12P]
    He repeated the move five times, then, in a rage of anger, he summoned his sword.
    [#DOS]
    He did a fancy swing and sliced a broad slash in the punching bag, spilling sand all over the place.
    Pengo gasped. "Hey! You're not supposed to do that!" He stared. "How did you do that?"
    Ki ripped his necklace off, holding it in the air. There was a flash of light, then it transformed into another sword. He swung both swords at the bag, making the rip in the punching bag even bigger.
    [#DS]
    Pengo made a face. "The staff guys are going to really love this, you know?"
    Ki's eyes began glowing. He slammed both both swords together. Instantly the two swords become one, with one sword coming out of the top, one coming out the bottom. The handle with no guard is black with red strips, the blade a shining silver. A dark glow comes from the blade ends. Ki held it above his head and spun it, cutting up what was left of the bag. The entire bottom half fell on the floor, making a horrible mess.
    [#CSU]
    Ki turned the swords to dust. He dropped to his knees, breathing hard. He stared at Pengo.
    The penguin frowned. "I wonder how much these punching bags cost."
    "Sorry. I guess I got carried away! I think I'll go try the weight machine."
    Pengo gave him a nervous grin. "Yes, um, let's squeak out of here before someone notices you've pulverized the punching bag." They hurried over to the exercise equipment.
    Ki sat down at the bicep builder, adjusting the weight level. He put the bar up, then brought it down again.
    [56-46=16]
    "Ow!"
    [Incorrect. Answer: 10]
    Ki grunted and brought the bar up, staring at the television on the back wall. The screen was showing a female skunk with glasses. A platypus was interviewing her, but Ki couldn't hear it because it required headphones. The caption below the picture said `Sabrina Skunk, Sabrinaware CEO.'
    [70+57=127]
    He brought it down again, then pushed it back up. The caption changed to read `Claims disgruntled employees tampered with virus protection package. Scam to sell Sabrina Firewall 4.0, skeptics claim.'
    [75+35=100]
    "Ow!"
    [Incorrect. Answer: 110]
    "Stop hurting yourself!" said Pengo. "Don't you know how to use this thing?"
    "Yeah, yeah. I'm fine." Ki pulled the bar down.
    [96+73=169]
    He pushed it back up again, staring at the television. Below the image, a ticker ran by displaying other news. `Ronny Beakman wins tri-state decathalon. Eric Schwartz eats mouse turds. Wild creature attacks Gardenia airport. Pokemon tourney begins. Crime in Arch Town increasing. Citizens alarmed.'
    [10-57= -67]
    "Ungh." ``Cordero' actor has bizarre accident.'
    [16-61=77]
    "Ack!" Ki winced as pain shot through his body. A gazelle in an orange jogging suit chuckled at him, then went back to exercising on a Gazelle 500.
    [Incorrect. Answer: -45]
    Pengo frowned. "Maybe we should try another machine. You're going to mess yourself up doing that!"
    "Hold on. I'm okay."
    [8+49=57]
    He used the machine a few more times, then stopped, moving to a Mr. Triceps machine. He adjusted the weights, then moved the wing-like attachments on either side. After Pengo decided Ki was okay, he started working out on the treadmill.
    [60+100=160]
    Ki worked the weights. "Ungh." The television was now showing a commercial. He couldn't hear what it was saying, but it was showing an olive green skink in a tuxedo running to the end of a dock as something exploded in a giant fireball behind him. Big letters flew up in the screen, reading `Finny Greene.'
    [83+23=106]
    Ki flexed his muscles, staring at the picture. The camera cut to a scene where the skink stood in a white room, pointing a gun at the screen. Flying letters said `Johnny Scales is back!' He fired. The screen faded to red, showing a flashy silver logo reading `028.'
    [59-58=1]
    Ki raised and lowered the pads with his arms. The screen cut to a picture of a stripy cat in a bikini swimming near a beach. She threw her hair back, stepping out of the water. The flying letters said `Zig Zag.' The camera cut to a picture of a quail with an eyepatch, looking sinister. It flashed to a scene of the lizard winking and saying something witty. Then an airplane exploded. The weights clanked as Ki brought them down from another rep.
    [85-32=53]
    Ki lifted the weights again. The screen faded to black, then flashed the credits. Below all that it said, `12/12/2008.' Tiring of that, he went over to the Abstender 5000.
    [29-17=12, 13-81= -68]
    Then the Bicep Mega Flex. He sat down.
    [66-45=21]
    He pulled the weight up to his chin.
    [78-X=30, X=108]
    [Incorrect. Answer: 48]
    "Ow!"
    Pengo hopped off the treadmill, staring at him. "Watch it! Don't hurt yourself!"
    "Don't worry. I got it." Ki worked the machine a few more times.
    [28-70= -42, 92+49=141]
    "Hey!" someone shouted in the other room. "Who did this?"
    The gazelle got off its exercise machine, hurrying into the other room.
    "What a mess!"
    "No kidding!"
    The gazelle and a peacock in a baggy track suit came out, heading to the front desk.
    "Uh-oh," said Pengo. "That's not good." He sighed and shook his head. "Well, um, Ki, are you tired of working out yet? Or do you want to hang around some more?" He looked back and forth, sweat breaking out on his forehead. "I mean, as long as we play it low key, we might not get in trouble. At least not too much. I think." He gave Ki a nervous grin.
    "Hmmm, I think it's time to go, Pengo." Ki hurried out of the workout area.
    "Hey you!" shouted the heron. "Stop!" It got up from the desk, marching up to them.
    Ki put his hand on Pengo, concentrating on being outside. Ki felt a sudden jerk. The room vanished.
    [#V]
    He and Pengo landed in a small gray room with soundproof padding lining the walls. At one end was a large window overlooking a sound booth. The opposite end held a couch. A lighted sign above the window said `on air.' The center of the room held a desk with microphones and sound equipment on it. On one side, a white creature resembling a giant cream puff floated in the air. A pair of headphones framed its head. It drifted down in front of the microphone, waving a fin at Ki. "Ah! It appears we have a surprise guest!"
    Ki looked around in bafflement. He pointed to himself. Who, me?
    The cream puff nodded. "Hello! Welcome to Phantasmo's Zone of the Unknown, the radio call-in program about the strange and unusual. My name is Phantasmo. May I have your name, please?"
    "My name is Ki," the wolf said, his eyes wandering around the room in confusion. The sound booth was empty. The sound devices and microphones were not plugged in, yet they appeared to be fully operational. A nearby mixing board had its lights on, despite the fact that the power cord wasn't attached to anything. "It's...short for Kidos."
    Pengo hopped up and down, waving to the creature. "And I'm Pengo! Wow! This is neat! I've never been on a radio program before! Who did you say you were? Phantasmo? I love your program!"
    Phantasmo nodded. "Thanks! Welcome again, Kidos and Pengo! It's an honor to have you on our show. Now what brings you here today?"
    "Er..." said Pengo. "I'm not really sure. It was all a blur, really."
    "Um..." Ki stared at the floating ball of fluff. "Um...I just...sort of teleported here by accident."
    "Ah wonderful! And how long did you have this amazing talent for teleportation?"
    "Um...I've always had it."
    "I see. And did your mother have it?"
    "I...suppose."
    "Fascinating. So tell us something about yourself. For our listening audience." He leaned over the desk, staring at the wolf.
    Ki just stared at the cream puff, not saying anything.
    "You'll have to excuse my friend," said Pengo. "He tends to be shy sometimes."
    Phantasmo nodded. "I understand completely. I'm a bit shy myself. That's why I hide behind this microphone! I tend to be a bit...invisible in public." He drifted sideways through the air, clearing his throat. "Well, while our guest is busy gathering enough courage to speak, let's go to a commercial break." He floated down to the desk, picking up a stack of papers. He put on a pair of reading glasses and started into an advertising schpiel. "This half hour is brought to you by the Buddy Beaver Lightning Generator. Friends, it's an uncertain world out there. With all the conflict in the desert countries, you want to have a safe, reliable source of energy in case they drop the bomb and put an end to the national power grid. Buddy Beaver is the name paranoid conspiracy hounds have trusted for decades for consistent, reliable generators, for home, office and fallout shelter. Buddy Beaver can be found wherever quality conspiracy propaganda is sold, or ordered via telephone at X-0469-2259, that's X-0469-2259. Buddy Beaver: Don't be left in the dark!"
    There was a musical interlude, then Phantasmo said, "Good morning, good evening, wherever you may be. This is Phantasmo, and you're listening to The Zone of the Unknown. With us in the studio today is Kidos, a stranger who somehow managed to teleport into our secret studio."
    "And don't forget me!" said Pengo. "I'm a big fan of your show!"
    "Glad to hear it."
    Ki turned, staring at the cream puff in wonder. "What are you? And how are we here?"
    "My name is Phantasmo. I am a Will-O-Wisp from the town of Spectro. We are broadcasting from Nether Space. I'm not sure how you got here, other than the fact that you teleported here from somewhere else. Considering the fact that my studio's location is in a constant state of flux, it is surprising that you were able to find it at all. Tell me, did you teleport here on purpose, or did something go awry when you were trying to teleport somewhere else?"
    "Actually, I was trying to teleport out of a gym," said Ki. "I don't know what I'm doing here."
    "We teleported from the Cheesetown gym," said Pengo.
    "Ah! You're in luck. Right now, and for the next half hour, this studio's physical essence will be docked in the basement of the old Vandlapin Mansion in northwest Cheesetown. If you'd like to get out here, feel free to do so, and take a Phantasmo signature coffee mug and t-shirt on your way out." Phantasmo raised his flippers in a shrug. "But don't feel pressured to go if you don't want to. Our program continues on for another two hours, making frequent stops in other dimensions and random locations in time and space. There is also a podcast which goes on for an additional twenty four hours, if you're interested."
    "Mmmm..." said Ki. "I think I'll stay so I can see other worlds." He paused. "That is, as long as I can get back to this place, Phantasmo."
    "This...place?" The floating cream puff grinned until the corners of its mouth extended into its flippers. It let out a creepy laugh with heavy doses of reverb in it.
    Ki stared at him. "What?"
    "I'm assuming you meant Cheesetown," the host smiled. "`This place' is actually a studio in the middle of Nether Space."
    "Oh. Right."
    Phantasmo paused, then scratched his dome with a translucent flipper. "I can't actually guarantee that we will be returning to Cheesetown in the immediate future. I have a schedule, you see. In two hours, this studio will be transported two hundred and eighty years into the past, to record a very special broadcast in Flint, Gardenia. After that, we'll be going to Dimension X for the annual convention of the Galactic Broadcasters Association. That should wrap in about five hours, then we'll be going to a board meeting in Daeoduqi. Then we will be recording a broadcast on the planet Fegiposi." He floated sideways, rubbing something approximating a chin. "We actually won't be back in Gardenia `til...sixteen weeks from now. We'll be broadcasting from a cave along Historic Route 9. I believe that's about five hours away from Cheesetown, probably more on foot."
    "That's what makes your show so awesome!" said Pengo. "You're always broadcasting from somewhere neat, like the center of the earth, or out in the middle of the Mohave Desert!" He paused. "But if you're so busy, how does your show come on at midnight every night of the week?"
    "Have you heard of FTP?"
    Pengo made a face. "You...FTP from different time periods and other dimensions?"
    The host bobbed up and down in agreement.
    Pengo laughed. "Wow!"
    The cream puff leaned close to the microphone. "For our less technically savvy listeners, FTP is an abbreviation for File Transfer Protocol. It is a special program on your computer that uses the energy from black holes and cosmic radiation to transfer large files to servers millions of light years away in different time periods within only a matter of seconds. From there, our local broadcasting affiliates insert the program into a designated time slot."
    Pengo's jaw dropped open. "But how does that work? I called at two in the morning and got on the air somehow."
    "I have a great long distance plan." The expression on the creature's face was unreadable. It could have been a joke, but it was impossible to tell.
    The penguin scrunched up his face. "I thought this was live!"
    "It is."
    Pengo's eyes got really big. His eyes darted back and forth. His facial expression bounced between confusion and constipation. It looked like his head were about to explode.
    Ki noticed a digital clock on the wall. It read 12:30 A.M.
    The host picked up a sheet of paper, reading from it. "This half hour is brought to you by the Creep Comfort Amoeba Bed, quite possibly the most comfortable bed in the universe. Tired of those lumpy, uncomfortable box spring mattresses? Tired of waking up with back cramps and tossing and turning all through the night? Then try the Amoeba Bed from Creep Comfort. Amoeba Bed's visco-elastic memory cells guarantee a comfortable night's sleep or your money back. Of course, you can't get your money back after it eats you, but that's besides the point. Pick up the Amoeba Bed wherever quality mattresses are sold."
    After this, Phantasmo began reading an advertisement for a martial arts supply store.
    Ki stared at Phantasmo. "So...it's 12:30 in the morning?"
    The cream puff bobbed up and down. "12:32. Of course, that's studio time. In Cheesetown, it's only 2:30 in the afternoon." He finished the ad, then pressed a flipper to a black button on the sound machine. "Welcome to the Zone of the Unknown. You're on the Wild Card Line."
    "Hi, Phantasmo," said a voice. "This is Jeiagora from the planet Cutaqu. I have a question for Kidos."
    "Go ahead," said Phantasmo.
    "Mr. Kidos, you sound very unsure of yourself. I'm not even really sure what you're supposed to be doing on this show. All you seem to be doing is asking Phantasmo questions. Do you any sort of...paranormal experience that you'd like to share with us tonight?"
    "Well," said Ki. "I had to fight in a dark hole, and that's were I got my Chaos Swords. But my transporting, I've had from the age of 13."
    "Ah! The Chaos Swords!" said Phantasmo. "Just last week I was interviewing author Logan Furbody on this very subject. According to his book, Chaos Blades: An Untold Story, the Chaos Swords were actually forged in the fires of Mt. Skaros, and the blade has the power to absorb the souls of whomever it kills. Logan states that the blades were owned by a number of famous military leaders such as Ghenghis Frog, Ham Arruby, Usagi Yojimbo, Miyamonkey Musashi, and Robert Goulay. Unfortunately, other sources, like The Swords of Deception by Kevin Shrewback state that the so-called `Chaos Swords' are nothing more than ordinary swords, and that animals are giving an unnecessary degree of importance to them. Author Robert Weaslake also states that, while there isn't anything particularly extraordinary about the swords, the can be fitted with crystals of something called `materia,' which may or may not give them incredible power, or transform them into a big yellow bird that doesn't know how to read. Care to comment on this?"
    Ki, looking a little mad, "`So-called?' `So-called!'" Ki summoned the chaos sword, pointing it at Phantasmo, "How is this for `so-called!'"
    "Whoa! Easy there, fella!" the cream puff laughed. "No need to get hostile. This is a public forum, where ideas, even the ones that seem far fetched and absurd, are discussed with an open mind." He leaned over the microphone, not looking in the least bit frightened. "For all of you in the listening audience, our friend Kidos has just demonstrated the existence of the elusive Chaos Swords, right in our very own studio. They appear to be made of energy, or possibly a highly reflective metal, and are really quite remarkable." Part of his round body drifted through the table. Something made a high pitched feedback sound. "Oops!" He drifted back. "If my tone betrayed a note of skepticism, it was not my intent. As a fair and balanced talk show host, I make it my aim to present as many sides to an issue as I possibly can. Now, if you have issues with Kevin Shrewback stating that the Chaos Swords are ordinary, then you should take that up with him." He cleared his throat. "Mr. Kidos, thank you for being so kind as to demonstrate your fantastic abilities in our studio. Since you appear to be the foremost expert on the subject, I wonder if you'd care to enlighten our listeners about the secrets of these unusual blades you have displayed for us." He stared at Ki expectantly.
    "Not much to tell," said Ki. "You just have to know how to use them."
    Phantasmo stared at him. "Is that all?"
    Ki shrugged. "Pretty much."
    "How surprisingly anticlimactic!" The cream puff frowned. "The most legendary swords in the universe, and the only secret is to use them carefully? A sword that allegedly slices through diamond, titanium, and adamantium, a sword which experts say is guarded by a shadowy cult of assassins and fire breathing mastadon, and you're saying `it just takes a little know-how' to use them?"
    Ki glared at the cloud shaped creature, looking more than ticked off. "Fine. But you asked for it!" He raised his swords up high.
    Dark lighting bolts flashed all around him. The walls of the place blew apart, revealing the inside of an Greek stadium. Phantasmo's eyes widened. He stared at his surroundings, attempting to feign nonchalance. Pengo's eyes were as big as dinner plates.
    Ki jumped back. "Control of the shadows, to my will!"
    Over a thousand copies of Kidos appeared. Phantasmo's eyes darted back and forth. He looked simultaneously amazed and confused.
    "Wow!" said Pengo.
    Ki drew a square in the ground with his sword. The square became a doorway filled with glowing light. A huge dragon flew out of it. With a wave of his hand, the dragon moved anywhere he pointed.
    Ki then hopped in front of Phantasmo's table. "Well how's that?"
    "Impressive!" The host leaned over the microphone. "Our friend has just demonstrated the full power of the Chaos Swords. I have to apologize to you the listener, for it's rather difficult to describe. It appears as if Mr. Kidos has used his powers to somehow make the studio appear like it has been been destroyed, replaced by something akin to a Greek or Roman Coliseum. This feat is truly remarkable."
    The walls of the stadium began to shimmer. Everything around them rippled. There was a loud snapping sound, then the walls and the rest of the studio reappeared like nothing had happened.
    "Ectoplasmic plexiglass," said Phantasmo. "I had it put in a week after Gurak, the Destroyer of Worlds, came in the studio five years ago." He cleared his throat. "Now. Ahem. Mr. Kidos. Now that you appear to have gotten all of your hostilities and anger out of your system, I was hoping that you would be able to give us a verbal explanation of the Chaos Swords, or possibly tell us a story about how you aquired them. Perhaps you can even inform the average laymen in our listening audience, how to use such a weapon. Techniques, precautions, that sort of thing." He picked up a can of soda, floating away from the desk. He cracked the top open with his flipper, taking a swig. The liquid poured through his body, spilling on the floor. Oblivious, he drifted back to the table. "When I commented that your previous statement was anticlimactic, I was referring to the terseness. and overall vagueness of what you said. When my regular guests come on the show, they generally have a great many things to say on a variety of different subjects, and it can be generally entertaining and informative for our listening audience. Some even get so involved that I have to cut them off and go to a commercial. This is, after all, a talk show. But it appears as if you are an animal of few words. You haven't given many lectures on the subject of Chaos Swords, have you?"
    "Sorry Phantasmo," said Ki. "But I got to go." The wolf gathered energy, and poof, he was gone.
    A wave of black lightning bolts erupted from the sky, striking a spot on the pavement at the edge of the Cheesetown parking lot. The wolf and penguin tumbled out of the air, hitting the ground with a dull thud.
    Ki brushed himself off. "Are you okay, Pengo?"
    Pengo moaned. "Fine, fine. You got an aspirin?"
    Ki chuckled. He turned around, staring at his surroundings. "Where are we, Pengo?"
    "It's the Cheesetown parking lot." The penguin sighed. "I wish I had a car."
    Ki noticed a blue creature standing next to a Crown Chiktoria. He waved to him. "Hi. How is it going?"

     Ki's adventures continue in Gardenia: Quai's Story.

     Continued from above link:

    "Well," Pengo shrugged. "I'm not sure what you mean, but I hope it doesn't mean you're going to tear the place up. I just gave her my rent for this month."
    He led Ki back across Cheesetown, past a chapel, a small house, and a laundry. They passed between a convenience store and a house with a fake skeleton hanging off the roof, coming to the silver mobile home with the satellite dish on top.
    A pair of koalas in lab coats stood in front of the vehicle, adjusting metal components attached to a torpedo shaped machine.
    The penguin paid them no mind, strolling onward.
    They went around the corner of the library, coming to the front of the green-yellow apartment building.
    Pengo led Ki up the front stairs and through the glass front door. He turned right, knocking on a wooden door with a shelf.
    The top half opened and a plump blonde raccoon in a blue nightgown poked her head out. "Hi, Pengo! What's going on? Is the toilet backed up again?"
    "Nope," the penguin smiled. "I've got a referral." He tapped Ki on the shoulder. "What was that you were wanting to do again? Did you want your own apartment, or did you want to stay at your own place?"
    The raccoon furrowed her brow. "Well, if you want a room, tell me right now. Otherwise, go away. I'm missing Brownie Fluffington."
    "Yeah, I'd like a room, how much is the rent?"
    "Ninety pogs a week, hon," Sharon replied. "Plus twenty for utilities and maintenance. So it's about a hundred a week. Sound good?"
    "Sounds good to me!" said Ki.
    Sharon handed him a key. "Room 12. Rent is due every Friday. Don't forget."
    Ki nodded.
    She closed her office door.
    "Well, Pengo, shall we see my new room?"
    Pengo nodded. He waddled down the hallway, past his apartment, to room 12.
    Dark unlocked the door. An unlit room lay beyond.
    After fumbling around a bit, Pengo found a light switch, illuminating a barren room with white walls. No furniture. No television. No phone. No appliances or food in the adjoining kitchen. No decoration at all.
    Pengo gestured to a battered looking radio plugged in the corner of the room. "Hey! You can listen to Phantasmo tonight!" He grinned. "I think you'll want to listen to it. I'm going to call in and make up a bunch of stuff, starting with my theory about this sword business." He shrugged, waddling down a short hallway.
    Ki followed him, looking in a door to the left. A toilet and a shower and a sink. He looked in the right door and found a bedroom containing nothing but an unadorned spring mattress and a wind-up alarm clock.
    "Wow!" Pengo laughed. "It looks like you're going to need some stuff. Not to worry. I have plenty of towels, blankets and wash cloths. I'll get you a pillow, and I'll synchronize this clock for you. You can have some leftovers from my fridge if you're hungry, too. You can probably buy stuff for this place later."
    A roach scampered across the kitchen counter.
    Pengo gestured to the room. "So! What do you think?"

If you want to add to the story, or start your own, Please e-mail the Game Master at akktri@iname.com with your questions.

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