Updated: 4/3/08
Note: This is NOT screenplay formatted!...It's radio, so you can get away with anything.
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The sound of a NEEDLE TEARING ACROSS A RECORD.
[RECORD MISSING]
BOOOM! Muttonchop's head EXPLODES!
ZAP! SHOOM!
Excited HOPPING SOUNDS.
Silence.
MUSICAL INTERLUDE
Silence.
Silence.
(Martial arts store advertisement)
MAGICAL HISSING NOISE
HIGH PITCHED FEEDBACK!
WHOOSH!
FOOOOSH! MAGICAL SOUNDS!
LOUD MAGICAL SOUNDS!
SHIMMERING MAGICAL SOUNDS!
Sounds of a soda cracking open.
MAGICAL WHOOSH!
If you want more radio transcripts, Please e-mail the Game Master at akktri@iname.com with your questions.
PHANTASMO'S ZONE OF THE UNKNOWN 3/10/08 12:20-2 AM (GCT)
SCUFFLING sounds.
Ah! It appears we have a surprise guest!
Silence. More shuffling.
Hello! Welcome to Phantasmo's Zone of the Unknown, the radio call-in program about the strange and unusual. My name is Phantasmo. May I have your name, please?
(Uncertain)
My name is Ki. It's...short for Kidos.
(Excited)
And I'm Pengo! Wow! This is neat! I've never been on a radio program before! Who did you say you were? Phantasmo? I love your program!
Thanks! Welcome again, Kidos and Pengo! It's an honor to have you on our show. Now what brings you here today?
I'm not really sure. It was all a blur, really.
Um...Um...I just...sort of teleported here by accident.
Ah wonderful! And how long did you have this amazing talent for teleportation?
Um...I've always had it.
I see. And did your mother have it?
I...suppose.
Fascinating. So tell us something about yourself. For our listening audience.
You'll have to excuse my friend. He tends to be shy sometimes.
I understand completely. I'm a bit shy myself. That's why I hide behind this microphone! I tend to be a bit...invisible in public.
(Beat)
Well, while our guest is busy gathering enough courage to speak, let's go to a commercial break.
(Shuffles papers)
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Good morning, good evening, wherever you may be. This is Phantasmo, and you're listening to The Zone of the Unknown. With us in the studio today is Kidos, a stranger who somehow managed to teleport into our secret studio.
And don't forget me! I'm a big fan of your show!
Glad to hear it.
(Beat)
What are you? And how are we here?
My name is Phantasmo. I am a Will-O-Wisp from the town of Spectro. We are broadcasting from Nether Space. I'm not sure how you got here, other than the fact that you teleported here from somewhere else. Considering the fact that my studio's location is in a constant state of flux, it is surprising that you were able to find it at all. Tell me, did you teleport here on purpose, or did something go awry when you were trying to teleport somewhere else?
Actually, I was trying to teleport out of a gym. I don't know what I'm doing here.
We teleported from the Cheesetown gym.
Ah! You're in luck. Right now, and for the next half hour, this studio's physical essence will be docked in the basement of the old Vandlapin Mansion in northwest Cheesetown. If you'd like to get out here, feel free to do so, and take a Phantasmo signature coffee mug and t-shirt on your way out.
(Beat)
But don't feel pressured to go if you don't want to. Our program continues on for another two hours, making frequent stops in other dimensions and random locations in time and space. There is also a podcast which goes on for an additional twenty four hours, if you're interested.
Mmmm...I think I'll stay so I can see other worlds.
(Beat)
That is, as long as I can get back to this place, Phantasmo.
This...place?
(Lets out a creepy laugh with heavy doses of reverb in it)
What?
I'm assuming you meant Cheesetown. `This place' is actually a studio in the middle of Nether Space.
Oh. Right.
(Beat)
I can't actually guarantee that we will be returning to Cheesetown in the immediate future. I have a schedule, you see. In two hours, this studio will be transported two hundred and eighty years into the past, to record a very special broadcast in Flint, Gardenia. After that, we'll be going to Dimension X for the annual convention of the Galactic Broadcasters Association. That should wrap in about five hours, then we'll be going to a board meeting in Daeoduqi. Then we will be recording a broadcast on the planet Fegiposi.
(Beat)
We actually won't be back in Gardenia `til...sixteen weeks from now. We'll be broadcasting from a cave along Historic Route 9. I believe that's about five hours away from Cheesetown, probably more on foot.
That's what makes your show so awesome! You're always broadcasting from somewhere neat, like the center of the earth, or out in the middle of the Mohave Desert!" He paused. "But if you're so busy, how does your show come on at midnight every night of the week?
Have you heard of FTP?
You...FTP from different time periods and other dimensions?
Indeed.
(Laugh)
Wow!
For our less technically savvy listeners, FTP is an abbreviation for File Transfer Protocol. It is a special program on your computer that uses the energy from black holes and cosmic radiation to transfer large files to servers millions of light years away in different time periods within only a matter of seconds. From there, our local broadcasting affiliates insert the program into a designated time slot.
(Beat)
But how does that work? I called at two in the morning and got on the air somehow.
I have a great long distance plan.
I thought this was live!
It is.
But-!
(Shuffling papers)
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So...it's 12:30 in the morning?
12:32. Of course, that's studio time. In Cheesetown, it's only 2:30 in the afternoon." He finished the ad, then pressed a flipper to a black button on the sound machine. "Welcome to the Zone of the Unknown. You're on the Wild Card Line.
Hi, Phantasmo. This is Jeiagora from the planet Cutaqu. I have a question for Kidos.
Go ahead.
Mr. Kidos, you sound very unsure of yourself. I'm not even really sure what you're supposed to be doing on this show. All you seem to be doing is asking Phantasmo questions. Do you any sort of...paranormal experience that you'd like to share with us tonight?
Well, I had to fight in a dark hole, and that's were I got my Chaos Swords. But my transporting, I've had from the age of 13.
Ah! The Chaos Swords! Just last week I was interviewing author Logan Furbody on this very subject. According to his book, Chaos Blades: An Untold Story, the Chaos Swords were actually forged in the fires of Mt. Skaros, and the blade has the power to absorb the souls of whomever it kills. Logan states that the blades were owned by a number of famous military leaders such as Ghenghis Frog, Ham Arruby, Usagi Yojimbo, Miyamonkey Musashi, and Robert Goulay. Unfortunately, other sources, like The Swords of Deception by Kevin Shrewback state that the so-called `Chaos Swords' are nothing more than ordinary swords, and that animals are giving an unnecessary degree of importance to them. Author Robert Weaslake also states that, while there isn't anything particularly extraordinary about the swords, the can be fitted with crystals of something called `materia,' which may or may not give them incredible power, or transform them into a big yellow bird that doesn't know how to read. Care to comment on this?
`So-called?' `So-called!'
"How is this for `so-called!'"
Whoa! Easy there, fella!
(Laugh)
No need to get hostile. This is a public forum, where ideas, even the ones that seem far fetched and absurd, are discussed with an open mind.
(Beat)
For all of you in the listening audience, our friend Kidos has just demonstrated the existence of the elusive Chaos Swords, right in our very own studio. They appear to be made of energy, or possibly a highly reflective metal, and are really quite remarkable.
Oops!
(Beat)
If my tone betrayed a note of skepticism, it was not my intent. As a fair and balanced talk show host, I make it my aim to present as many sides to an issue as I possibly can. Now, if you have issues with Kevin Shrewback stating that the Chaos Swords are ordinary, then you should take that up with him.
(Beat)
Mr. Kidos, thank you for being so kind as to demonstrate your fantastic abilities in our studio. Since you appear to be the foremost expert on the subject, I wonder if you'd care to enlighten our listeners about the secrets of these unusual blades you have displayed for us.
Not much to tell. You just have to know how to use them.
Is that all?
Pretty much.
How surprisingly anticlimactic!
(Beat)
The most legendary swords in the universe, and the only secret is to use them carefully? A sword that allegedly slices through diamond, titanium, and adamantium, a sword which experts say is guarded by a shadowy cult of assassins and fire breathing mastadon, and you're saying `it just takes a little know-how' to use them?
(Angry)
Fine. But you asked for it!
BANG! The sound of thunder.
KABLAM! BOOM! FSSSHHHHH!
Control of the shadows, to my will!
Yikes!
Wow!
Well how's that?
Impressive!
(Beat)
Our friend has just demonstrated the full power of the Chaos Swords. I have to apologize to you the listener, for it's rather difficult to describe. It appears as if Mr. Kidos has used his powers to somehow make the studio appear like it has been been destroyed, replaced by something akin to a Greek or Roman Coliseum. This feat is truly remarkable.
Ectoplasmic plexiglass. I had it put in a week after Gurak, the Destroyer of Worlds, came in the studio five years ago.
(Beat)
Now. Ahem. Mr. Kidos. Now that you appear to have gotten all of your hostilities and anger out of your system, I was hoping that you would be able to give us a verbal explanation of the Chaos Swords, or possibly tell us a story about how you aquired them. Perhaps you can even inform the average laymen in our listening audience, how to use such a weapon. Techniques, precautions, that sort of thing.
Sipping sounds.
Loud splashing as the soda passes through Phantasmo's body!
When I commented that your previous statement was anticlimactic, I was referring to the terseness. and overall vagueness of what you said. When my regular guests come on the show, they generally have a great many things to say on a variety of different subjects, and it can be generally entertaining and informative for our listening audience. Some even get so involved that I have to cut them off and go to a commercial. This is, after all, a talk show. But it appears as if you are an animal of few words. You haven't given many lectures on the subject of Chaos Swords, have you?
Sorry Phantasmo. But I got to go.
